


seeking catharsis

by radiodread



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Reunions, Slow Build, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 64,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21514141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiodread/pseuds/radiodread
Summary: None of them were the same after it happened. A year later, and the core group of Sousuke, Haruka, Makoto, Rin, and Kisumi is split up as none of them knew how to go back to living life after the accident. A year later, however, things start to change. Sousuke, however, isn't too sure he likes said change.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Nanase Haruka/Yamazaki Sousuke, Shigino Kisumi/Yamazaki Sousuke
Comments: 13
Kudos: 22





	1. the request

_He’s seen this specific sight more than just a few times before, but it always puts Sousuke at ease, makes him smile. Every time, he wonders to himself how on Earth he could have ever hated Haruka in the past, how things used to be so drastically different from how they are now. In the past, they were enemies, mostly a concept thought up and maintained by Sousuke himself. Now, they’re lovers and have been for a few years, and the past where they were the opposite seems so very far away._

_“There you are.”_

_Haruka turns his head slightly, makes eye contact with Sousuke. “Here I am, indeed.”_

_“You must really like this window, huh.”_

_“I do.”_

_“Then you should’ve argued against moving.”_

_Haruka shrugs, and looks out the window again. “We have to move on someday.”_

_“Wow.”_

_“You know I’m right. You’re just too stubborn to listen.”_

_Stubborn could just as well be Sousuke’s middle name at this point. Some say it’s a good thing he’s stubborn because it’s led to many good things in life. But some say the opposite, and Sousuke always hears about his shoulder that he destroyed in high school when swimming and working out as much as he did back then. Of course, that particular instance taught him to exercise moderation in everything he does, because he has a tendency to go overboard if he’s really passionate about something._

_“Maybe,” he says, and Haruka finally jumps down from the window, walking towards Sousuke._

_“Not just ‘maybe’, you know I’m right.”_

_“Hey, you can be stubborn too,” Sousuke jokes, and Haruka rolls his eyes. He stops right in front of Sousuke, grabbing a fistful of his shirt in the front to bring Sousuke down to his level._

_“Even though it can be bad for you sometimes… the good things about your stubbornness is one of the many aspects I love about you.”_

_Sousuke smiles and huffs a little laugh through his nose. He bends down to plant a soft kiss to Haruka’s lips, and Haruka keeps him there by placing his other hand on Sousuke’s back. Sousuke takes in everything about the moment, about Haruka; the scent, the feeling of Haruka’s smooth lips against his own chapped and dry ones, the sound of Haruka’s satisfied hum when the kiss is reciprocated and prolonged._

_A loud knock is heard on the door. That’s right, it’s just about time for him to go._

“Yamazaki!”

He turns his head to the side. “Yeah?”

“You’re up in three.”

Sousuke turns back to the sink and the mirror. He quickly washes his face, and winces when it stings around his left cheekbone. Then he dries himself off, wraps his knuckles in gauze, and exits his room. Many people have already gathered around the cage, and their cheers grow louder as he gets closer and makes his presence known. It’s funny; in anyone else’s case, they would have been cheering for the right reason. But with Sousuke, they never do. It’s alright, he doesn’t mind—that’s not what he’s here for.

His opponent towers before him, obviously trying to look even more intimidating than he already does. The man sports a tank top with some heavy metal band’s logo on it, a scarred right eyebrow, and more than a few wounds and bruises. Most of this is normal around here, though the man looks more like an ex-convict than a regular ring fighter. Sousuke’s seen him at the bar before, but this is the first time they go up against each other. Even though Sousuke won’t win this, he isn’t worried. That’s not what he’s here for.

They barely greet each other, but it isn’t really necessary, anyway. The judge steps off to the side after the very short and lacking introduction, and then he blows the whistle. When he does, Sousuke prepares to put up a fight, but he won’t win.

* * *

It’s been almost a year since Sousuke moved to Kami in Hyogo. His living standards have gone way down, but it’s still a lot better here than in Iwatobi. He isn’t far away enough from Iwatobi to get people to stop driving over to where he works and lives every now and then, but Sousuke didn’t have much time nor money to move further away when he had decided to move. It’s been over a year and people still won’t give up on trying to rope him back into their lives for whatever reason; it doesn’t matter how hard he tries, they still come back.

When Sousuke’s phone rings, one of the last people’s names he expects to see on the screen is Aki, yet there it is. He briefly considers not picking up, but he also knows she’ll keep calling if he doesn’t pick up the first or tenth time. He gets a sigh out of him before he picks up.

“Yeah?”

“ _It’s me. Can you meet up? It’s important._ ”

Sousuke hasn’t seen Aki since before he moved away from Iwatobi, and ever since, they’ve only ever spoken over the phone once or twice, messaged each other only a few more times than that. Sousuke never disliked Aki, quite the contrary—they were very good and close friends. It’s for the best this way, though; they’re better off this way, all of them.

Sousuke looks out the window. It’s dark out, and he really isn’t in the mood to get into his car right now. Sometimes he likes to go for a drive to clear his mind, but tonight isn’t one such occasion.

“I can’t, I—”

A knock on the door interrupts Sousuke mid-sentence. He knows by the sound of the knock who it is, and even before Aki responds, Sousuke’s made up his mind.

“ _I wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important. You know this_.”

“Sousuke? I, uh, talked to your boss who told me you’re here. I just… wanna talk.”

Makoto or Aki, who would Sousuke rather see right now? The answer is obvious, so he pulls his jacket off his chair, making as little noise as possible.

“Fine. Where are you?” he hisses into the phone.

“ _Motel close to Mihashira shrine. Can’t miss it, it’s on the right just before the shrine._ ”

“Be there as soon as I can.”

“Hello? Sousuke?”

“ _Is that Makoto?_ ”

Sousuke sighs impatiently, hangs up, and shoves his phone into his pocket. He grabs his car keys, and heads for the half-open window. He hadn’t locked his door after getting inside, so he has to get out of here as soon as possible or Makoto will eventually open the door and come into the room. At that point it’ll be very difficult for Sousuke to leave since Makoto will be able to see where Sousuke goes. He’d rather they don’t meet so Makoto doesn’t know where Sousuke heads off to.

He swings his leg over the window frame and takes one last look into his room before he climbs out. The car is parked nearby, so he sprints to it and gets inside, quickly starting the engine so he can drive away faster. It doesn’t matter how hard he tries, Makoto will still hear his car turn on and understand that it’s Sousuke running away again, but at least he has a head-start on Makoto.

Once he’s driven away from the bar and can see it disappear in the rear-view mirror, Sousuke exhales. He takes a quick glance at himself in the mirror and sees that the bruise on his cheekbone is changing colours; at least it’s healing quickly. It doesn’t hurt that much anymore, but it doesn’t matter, because this bruise and the others he has will be replaced with new ones soon. Wounds will heal and new ones will open.

Aki has sent a screenshot of her location, which helps Sousuke in navigating a part of Tottori he rarely ever visits. A few narrow streets and turns, but it proves itself to not be too difficult to get to where Aki is. When Sousuke sees the big, red torii by the shrine, he heeds Aki’s instructions and eventually finds the motel, too. She really could’ve picked a less sleazy of a place, but that probably isn’t even on her list of priorities.

Sousuke heads up on the walkway and knocks on the door to the room Aki told him she’d be in. He dreads seeing her again, as he fears memories of the not-too-distant past will come back and undo all of the progress he’s made in the year Haruka has been gone. He and Aki were very close, close in a very different way from how Haruka and Makoto were best friends. It was on a completely different level where they just understood each other in a way others wouldn’t understand them.

And so, of course, since Haruka died, Aki hasn’t been the same. But who has been? Sousuke hasn’t kept in regular contact with the people who were closest to Haruka for a reason, but he’s pretty sure everyone around Haruka was affected in major ways. Greatly varied ways, as he’s come to realise, but he understands that people deal with grief and death differently. He wishes that people like Makoto, Rin, and Gou would understand that, too.

Eventually, Aki opens the door. As Sousuke had expected, he finds her looking worse than he’s ever seen her before, even after all this time. Sure, he isn’t one to talk considering his frequent bruises and wounds; that used to be a thing of the past when he was still an unruly teenager, having been abandoned by his parents who prioritised other things in their lives.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi, Sousuke. Come in.”

She steps aside, and Sousuke walks into the room. It looks a little nicer on the inside, but not by a lot. It really feels like a love motel what with the décor and particularly the bedding, and it makes Sousuke feel uncomfortable just by being in the motel room. Hopefully they can keep this meeting brief; he’s sure Aki is itching to get out of here as well. He spots a very familiar orange bottle on the nightstand next to the bed, and realises that Aki is still coping like him, yet very differently.

“Thanks for being able to come over on such short notice.”

Sousuke’s gaze wanders from the pills back to Aki, and he shrugs. “Just make it worth my time.”

Aki walks over to a desk by the bed, and retrieves a heavy-looking folder from it. Then, she turns to the bed and tosses the folder onto it.

“Here.”

“What is it?”

“All of the information I’ve been gathering on Minami thanks to some… help.”

Sousuke doesn’t like the possible significance of that pause. “What did you do?”

“Nothing bad. I just went out of my way, but of course I would. It was for Haru… no, it _is_ for him.”

Sousuke looks down at the folder Aki has called him here for. “Okay.”

“I’m giving it to you, and not the police. Haru was too good for that. You can do with this information… with him… whatever you want.”

It’s not just a folder containing information, it’s a request, even if Aki doesn’t word it that way. For weeks after Haruka’s death, Sousuke had gone on a blind hunt for Minami, attempting to track the man down even though Sousuke had absolutely no idea where he should have looked, where Minami could’ve even gone after that. He had soon realised, however, that he wasn’t going to get anywhere, because Sousuke never knew anything about Minami or the people he hung out with. How would he know where to look if he didn’t know who to ask?

But now? Sousuke has all of the information he could ever want and need, according to Aki, and he trusts her on that because she would absolutely go the extra mile to make sure she had more information than necessary so she wouldn’t run the risk of having missed something. She’s done a lot to gather all of this information through someone, and Sousuke is sure that not many others would have done the same. Others would blindly trust the system to take care of it for them, but he, Aki and their friends grew up in a world where they knew they can’t always rely on the law to have their backs.

“I don’t want it.”

Aki furrows her eyebrows. “What?”

“I don’t want it. I don’t care about him, about any of it. I don’t wanna start.”

“That’s… Sousuke, that’s a lie. I know you. Even if you didn’t attend Haru’s funeral, even if you’ve never visited his grave… I know you _care_.”

Sousuke can do nothing but look back at Aki with a blank stare, and then he turns around to leave the motel room. He runs down the stairs of the building and gets into his car, starting the engine and driving away as fast as he can. It’s too much. Aki is asking for too much. He wants nothing but to forget that all of it happened, and while getting there all he can do is drown himself in guilt and anger over everything he has caused the people he once called friends and more.

If Sousuke hadn’t met Haruka, Haruka in turn wouldn’t have been introduced to the world Sousuke was once a part of. Haruka wouldn’t have met Kazuki, wouldn’t have dated him even if it was just for a short while. If they hadn’t met, Haruka would still be alive. If Sousuke hadn’t met the others—Rin, Makoto, Gou, Kisumi, Sei, Aki—their lives would have still been… normal. Now their lives are shattered, all because Sousuke came into the picture and ruined everything they once found happiness in. It’s only a good thing that Sousuke moved, and all he has to do now is make sure that everyone forgets him so that he can properly start over elsewhere. And maybe this time not fuck things up as much as he has in the past… though he certainly isn’t off to a great start.

Sousuke drives back to the bar and retreats to his room. He sits down on the bed and just stares at the wall, thinking about everything that Aki dragged back to the surface with her request, with that folder on the motel bed. There are still loose ends he has to tie up before he can properly move on from this life, and one of those threads is Kazuki. Despite that, Sousuke can’t do it. It’s one of those things he will have to live with.

He reaches in under his bed, and pulls out a cardboard box. Inside it is everything he has left that reminds him of Nanase Haruka and their life together, the years they shared. There are tons of photographs, little trinkets, one of Haruka’s old Iwatobi high school sweaters, the little toy dolphin he had once been given by Makoto when they were kids. It’s very strange to see all of these things again; it feels like Sousuke hasn’t seen it in half a lifetime though it certainly is a lot less. Time has been passing by excruciatingly slowly since Haruka died, and it never seem to get any better.

A photograph he finds depicts a festival they had been to with their friends. It was down on the beach in Iwatobi: they had lit a bonfire, brought alcohol, food, music. The two people in the foreground of the photo look happy, like they didn’t have a single worry in the world despite their history and what was yet to come. There was a time when Haruka rarely smiled, but he slowly started changing once he got out of high school, according to both Makoto and Rin, and Sousuke can with confidence attribute that to the competitive swimming that nearly destroyed Haruka’s spirit. Once he left all of that behind him, Haruka slowly turned into a better, brighter version of himself.

Sousuke puts things back into the cardboard box, and gets up from his bed. He leaves the room, exits the bar round back. He approaches the bar’s skip, looks at the contents of the cardboard box in his arms one last time. Then, Sousuke lifts it and turns it upside down, watching the contents pour down into the skip. Once the box is empty, Sousuke returns to the bar, and later that evening he has another fight in the ring that he won’t win.

* * *

In the beginning, Sousuke and Haruka were on everything but good terms. It wasn’t a mutual thing, it was just Sousuke having his own issues that he projected onto Haruka for whatever reason he forced himself to forget afterwards. It took a while, and Sousuke was surprised that Haruka _wanted_ them to be friends, but they actually became friends, in the end. They were friends, and then it turned into something else, something more. Sousuke had come into their lives like a hurricane, turning everything upside down without prior notice, but they still accepted him, befriended him, and it was more than he could have asked for.

For once, things progressed naturally, and it felt right. Sousuke had never been so open and honest with anyone, never been this comfortable around another human being. He could tell that Haruka was similar in that regard, and that made it feel that much better knowing they had found each other, in the end. Two lost souls finding their way home after having taken a few detours to get there. One thing Sousuke learnt from the moment he realised he was falling for Haruka to when they moved in together is that not every journey looks the same. Some take longer, some stop for a while on the way, some take detours. Sousuke and Haruka had a bit of everything, but they finally made it home in the end. The time it took is irrelevant, what matters is the end result.

Along with Rin and Makoto, they made a very strong core group of friends who knew each other inside out and hung out whenever everyone could make time for it. They would go on road trips or take trips further away, discovering new places, enjoying time away from home and work, and to just hang out with friends and significant others. With the sporadic inclusion of other friends, the four of them were always a given no matter what. Aki came back into their lives properly after having left Iwatobi for many years, and then Gou started spending more time with them, as well. Kisumi was one of those sporadic but good friends and additions to the group, but work made him have to move out of town.

They were a good group of friends, and the only thing that could possibly split them up, which seemed impossible, eventually did. Even when Haruka had been dating Minami and separated himself from his friends, the others stuck together. Time and time again, they had tried to make Haruka realise the error in his ways, but infatuation had made him blind to the things about Minami that even outsiders like his friends’ parents would notice from afar.

Thankfully, Haruka realised on his own after a while that his new way of living wasn’t a good way to live. Sousuke knows that the only way Haruka would have ever turned around was if he could see things for himself and have others tell him about them, but this knowledge didn’t come Sousuke’s way until way after the fact. His hindsight has always been impeccable, and he hates that it has to be his hindsight and not his luck or intuition that could have saved Haruka from dying in that car crash a year ago.

Prior to moving to Iwatobi, Sousuke’s life had been that of a delinquent. In school, after school—always a delinquent. He got into fights frequently without starting them… for the most part. Even if he didn’t start the fights, Sousuke was the scapegoat for every single fight he was involved in, no matter the reason for it. People just got used to the common denominator always being him, so the obvious thing would be to blame him for it.

His father was never home whenever he was still in Sousuke’s life, and because of that, Sousuke’s mother had to work practically all the time. She worked two jobs and only had a day off whenever it was a national holiday. In the end, the heavy workload got to her, and she sought solace in not only shady people, but liquid and powdered substances, as well. It ended up taking her life, but the official reason for her death was that she was simply overworked.

Life was never easy, but moving to Iwatobi made it easier. Sousuke finally made good friends, found love. He found a job, a nice apartment, started to finally wash away some of the reputation he had managed to build up for himself over the years. Of course, even as the reputation got better, the curse placed on him made it impossible to completely escape his past life before Iwatobi. This curse is what brought Haruka into all of it, and the curse was also what ended up taking Haruka’s life in the form of a car crash caused by a former lover seeking revenge.


	2. the (partial) reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A certain redhead elbows her way back into Sousuke's life, determined on making him do as she wants. Not necessarily because it'll benefit her; she thinks bigger than that.

Working at the bar really sucks. It’s the worst of the worst jobs, but it’s better than nothing. That’s at least what Sousuke tries telling himself, though it doesn’t really work out that well, because his motivation never goes above the level where it’s always been at. Even so, Sousuke won’t quit. This is about all he can handle and _has_ been able to handle since he moved away from Iwatobi. It’s definitely a few steps down from previous employments, but it’s doable. It helps to pay the very cheap rent he has at the bar which he mostly pays by fighting, anyway.

A guy Sousuke has never fought before approaches him and asks for a match. It’s unfortunately not much of a match, really, and the guy goes down without much of a fight. It makes Sousuke wonder if the guy might be thinking in similar ways to himself regarding these ring fights—there’s no way this guy gave it his all. It would probably offend others, but Sousuke really doesn’t care.

“Hey, good job up there,” the manager, Hiroki, says after the game when Sousuke has gotten himself cleaned up a bit. He stretches out a wad of bills. “Here.”

Sousuke looks down at the pay for the match he just won, somehow, and he looks back up at Hiroki. “Nah, you can keep it.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I don’t want it.”

Hiroki snorts, raising his eyebrows, and he shrugs. “Suit yourself. I’m not paying for your hospital bills, just so you know.”

“Won’t ask you to.”

Sousuke heads back to the bar, and comes to a brief halt just as he’s behind the counter, because a very familiar woman is sitting right in front of him. She’s looking bored, stirring a drink she’s had about half of, and she’s looking to the side, which Sousuke realises is where the fighting cage is. She cut her hair shorter since the last time Sousuke saw her, and he can’t escape the thought that it looks better than the long hair she’s sported for as long as he’s known her and definitely a lot longer than that.

How the hell did Gou find him all the way out here?

Sousuke swallows a sigh as he steels himself for what’s to come out of this. “Gou.”

Gou turns her head to look at him, and she nods once. “Sousuke.”

“You came here to talk.”

“Well, I’m not here for a drink, that’s for sure. There are certainly better places to go if I want a drink.”

Sousuke holds back a laugh as he sees Hiroki glare burning holes into the back of Gou’s head, but he doesn’t comment on it. She’s right; Hiroki just doesn’t want to admit that their drinks are overpriced and that some of the bartenders can’t mix drinks or pour a decent beer to save their pathetic lives.

“You’re not talking,” Gou continues, “fine, I get it. Great to see you, too. I like what you’ve done… with your face. It’s very colourful, if anything.”

Sousuke raises his eyebrows slightly to himself as he turns his back to Gou. He starts loading glasses off a tray into the bin that goes in the kitchen. First it was Makoto, then Aki, now Gou. It’s obvious that they’ve planned this together, but Sousuke wonders why that is. He hasn’t set foot in Iwatobi since Haruka died, and he isn’t about to anytime soon. There’s no reason for him to go back; he’s cut them out of his life, and it’s all for the better. For him, for them, for everyone.

“I don’t know what you’re expecting, but you’re gonna be disappointed.”

Gou scoffs softly. “I don’t know about that, and neither do you if you don’t even know why I’m here. I drove all the way over here—”

“I didn’t ask you to.”

“You didn’t,” Gou acknowledges. “But Makoto did, and so did Rin, and just about everyone else who you considered a friend not that long ago. I know you think that you’re protecting them by staying away and being a dick, but you’re not. You’re just hurting them.”

This time, Sousuke can’t help but sigh loudly, and he gives Gou a pointed look. “And what about you? Am I hurting you, too?”

“Not really. I don’t care as much as they do. But I do think you’re being a dick to them.”

Sousuke opens his mouth to respond, but thinks better of it. He doesn’t really know what to say in response to that so Gou can understand where he’s coming from in all of this. Not that he really cares what she thinks, but it would be a good way to get her to leave him alone. He doesn’t understand why and how the hell Makoto and Rin still care about him. Can’t they just forget him already? He’s been out of their lives for a year, for the most part, so Sousuke would assume most other people would know how to leave something behind by that point.

“Does Rin know about this place, too?”

Gou shrugs. “I haven’t told him, and Makoto’s probably too afraid of his reaction. He’s probably scared Rin will come over here and drag you into this cage so you can duke it out over whatever asinine reason Rin will come up with. Or you, for that matter. No, he doesn’t know.”

Sousuke hums. “Surprised Makoto could keep a secret.”

“What would you know about him after a year?” When he doesn’t respond, Gou raises an eyebrow and gives him a look, but only briefly so he can get the point. “Come on, Sousuke. Just take a deep breath and let me do what I do best.”

Sousuke holds back a snort. This should be interesting. “Which is…?”

“Giving orders. Just do this one last thing for me, Yamazaki, and then we’re even.”

All he has to do is humour them, he assumes. Sousuke will give them the time they need to do what they want, and that’ll be it. That might give them the closure they’ve been chasing so that Sousuke can finally get the peace he himself has been chasing. It might work out for the better for all of them, if this is really it. He hopes it is.

“This can barely be legal,” Gou comments, which makes Sousuke snort a laugh.

“Legal? I don’t think they care. I don’t, that’s for sure.”

She raises an unimpressed eyebrow and takes a sip of her drink. “I can tell.”

After his shift ends, Sousuke and Gou get into his car, and they start the drive to Iwatobi. Gou has barely said a word since she forced him to come with her to Iwatobi to see people from his past again. Aki was really about all Sousuke was okay with, but now he’s gone over the edge and knows that whatever is coming isn’t going to be good. So whatever reason Gou has for taking him back to Iwatobi better damn be worth it.

He glances at Gou in the corner of his eye, and she’s looking out the passenger window. Sousuke looks back on the road ahead of them, and clears his throat.

“So, how’ve you been?”

Gou scoffs through her nose. “Did you think I was gonna say ‘good’ or ‘great’?”

“Well, I don’t know. I haven’t talked to you in a year.”

“Exactly. You haven’t talked to _any_ of us in a year. So you wouldn’t know how all of us have been feeling since then. Which isn’t great, actually.”

Sousuke regrets asking such a trivial yet controversial question; all he wanted was to try and alleviate some of the awkward tension between him and Gou, but he really doesn’t know why. It’s not like he owes her anything… except maybe an apology. To be fair, Sousuke owes all of them an apology for just leaving like that. So maybe that’s something he can put on his list for this—hopefully short—visit to Iwatobi before he returns to the life he has now, without all of them in it.

“I’m sorry for just leaving like that, Gou.”

“No, you aren’t. You were perfectly fine with just up and leaving everything and everyone behind because _you_ were suffering. As if we weren’t, or still aren’t. Makoto, Rin and Haru were friends since they were kids. You’ve been best friends with Rin for _years_ , yet you had no problems with just leaving your grieving best friend behind because you thought you were alone in this.”

“I didn’t think that at all,” Sousuke protests, but he feels Gou’s burning glare in the side of his head, so he elects not to elaborate further, because she’s obviously not done talking.

“Bullshit. You know, Haru meant a lot to me, too. Still does. But I’m sure as hell not gonna turn my back on people because he’s gone now. In fact, now more than ever would’ve been the time to stick together, but apparently we don’t share the same opinion.”

Sousuke’s grip on the steering wheel hardens. “You know, that wasn’t actually the reason why I left Iwatobi, because I didn’t think sticking together was important after it happened. You seem to think you know a lot about me, but you really don’t.”

“So why _did_ you leave, then?” Gou challenges. “Why did you leave when you really should’ve stayed to help us deal with the aftermath, and let us help you?”

“Because it was all caused by me! If Haru hadn’t been introduced to Minami, he wouldn’t have dated the fucker. If they had never dated, then Minami wouldn’t have come after us to get his so-called closure.”

Sousuke remembers the look in Kazuki’s eyes that night when Haruka died. When their cars had been side by side, Kazuki had proceeded to ram into the side of Sousuke’s car, yelling out the window about how it was finally time to settle things. Sousuke never thought there was anything to settle, but that might have been because he was the one who ended up with Haruka in the end. Kazuki would never have gone after Sousuke if Haruka had stayed with him instead, because there wouldn’t have been a reason for it.

“You can’t be serious,” Gou says. “How the hell would you have been able to predict any of that? Do you have any idea how much your presence has been _positive_ to all of us? Hell, I don’t know what our lives would’ve been like if you hadn’t been in them. Definitely not the same, could have been worse.”

“Or better.”

“Stop _saying_ that! You’re just trying to feel sorry for yourself and think that it’s all about you. It really isn’t, no matter what you may think. The world doesn’t revolve around you, Sousuke.”

He opens his mouth to say something again, but he really doesn’t know what to say, so Sousuke shuts his mouth again and thinks better of it. Now, he’d rather not say anything than say anything he might regret. Sousuke keeps quiet, and he’s perfectly fine with letting Gou think she won this argument for now. There’s really no point in arguing with her about this, because he knows it isn’t going anywhere no matter how long they keep that verbal tennis match going.

The rest of the car ride is spent in silence aside from the music on the radio, but it’s a good thing the drive isn’t too long. For once, Sousuke is glad he didn’t move too far away from Iwatobi, because that would have made this trip so much more awful and tense. Gou was right, she really is good at giving orders, because as much as he may want to turn around and go back home, he can’t find it in him to do it. It really didn’t take her all that much to convince him either, but part of it is because he knows she wouldn’t have left until he agreed to do it.

* * *

The moment Sousuke starts recognising the surroundings, a heavy feeling starts settling in the pit of his stomach. If there was an antonym for ‘nostalgia’, that’s what Sousuke is experiencing. It isn’t quite dread nor anxiety, but something else he can’t describe. All he can think about is Haruka. Sousuke drives by the beach where he and Haruka would take walks every now and then, the restaurant where they had their first proper date, the elementary school where Haruka and Makoto went. He wonders if he’ll feel worse driving away from all of these places when he leaves Iwatobi again.

Sousuke drives to Makoto and Rin’s house, parking outside and turning off the engine. A few seconds of additional silence pass before Gou says something again.

“Trust me when I say I’ve given you the toughest treatment you’ll get out of this. You don’t have to be scared of seeing them again.”

Sousuke holds back a childish comment about how he isn’t scared, but grunts in response. He realises that he hasn’t earned his right to talk yet and has to let the others do the talking first, so that’s what he’s going to do with Makoto and Rin, too. If this is what they need, so be it.

The house looks the same way it did when Sousuke left, as does everything else he’s seen so far in Iwatobi—and it doesn’t exactly make Sousuke feel better about being back. It looks as if time has been standing still since the day Haruka died, and it perfectly emulates the state of Sousuke’s life, despite his efforts to get things moving again. Being back in Iwatobi doesn’t help, it makes things worse. It makes it more difficult to move on, move forward, get time to start moving again.

Rin is the one who opens the door after Gou rang the doorbell, and Sousuke pretends not to be affected by the obvious daggers Rin is glaring his way. It’s completely understandable, and Sousuke hopes Rin will understand his reason for leaving Iwatobi and everyone he knew, behind. In the end, everyone thinks for themselves, _of_ themselves, before anyone else.

“Long time no see.” The venom in Rin’s voice is almost physically poisonous, but Sousuke has heard and seen things like these before with Rin. The benefit of having known Rin for as long as Sousuke has is that he gets used to certain things over time. Had this interaction happened with literally anyone else, Sousuke would’ve definitely been if even just a little affected by it.

“Come on, Rin. We asked for him to come, don’t send him away as soon as he’s on our doorstep.” Makoto appears in the doorway, and his way of greeting is the polar opposite of Rin’s. He even offers Sousuke the slightest hint of a smile. “Hi, Sousuke.”

“… hey.”

Naturally, Makoto is the one who invites them inside. Rin trudges off into the kitchen while the others sit down in the living room, but he joins the others momentarily with coffee for everyone. It’s very unexpected, but Sousuke is secretly glad he’s treated to home-brewed coffee as he hasn’t had coffee at all today.

“Did you get into a fight before you got here, or what? You look like shit.”

Sousuke keeps his mouth shut, and ignores Gou who’s eyeing him from the side. “Accident at work.”

“Sure. You know, I’m not an idiot. I can tell the dif—”

“Thanks for bringing Sousuke here, Gou,” Makoto interrupts, giving Rin a pointed look.

It’s true as Gou said: Makoto hasn’t told Rin a thing about where Sousuke lives or what he does for a living and outside of work. It’s both a relief and a cause for Sousuke to feel a little nervous, because that means that either Rin will find out from someone at some point, or Sousuke himself will have to say it. They’ve known each other for so long now that Sousuke knows it’s inevitable.

Gou shrugs with one shoulder, sipping the coffee she’s just been served. It almost feels as if they’re at a goddamn funeral with how heavy the tension is in the air right now. But of course, it would’ve been wildly different had Sousuke actually stayed in Iwatobi and kept in touch. But how could he do that with everything that happened to Rin, Makoto, Gou and the others just because he moved to Iwatobi and entered their lives?

“It was nothing. About time you got shit sorted out.”

Makoto smiles a little, seeming a little uncomfortable. He’s changed a lot physically—he’s definitely a lot thinner, which Sousuke didn’t think was possible, he hasn’t shaved in probably a week, and he’s grown his hair out a little longer. In short, Sousuke sees a man who stopped caring so much about the way he looks.

It’s completely understandable that it wouldn’t be at the top of Makoto’s priority list after such a life-changing tragedy. Even though a year has passed, Makoto looks tired, but he also seems like he tries his best to keep things together not only for himself, but for others around him, too. As he always did even at a young age.

Even though Makoto has changed a lot physically, personality-wise, most of him seemingly remains the same.

“The last thing I want is for us all to be on bad terms caused by lack of communication,” Makoto begins. “I know you don’t want us in your life anymore, but I want to ask you to reconsider. Not just for our sake, for yours, too.”

In the past, whenever Makoto would talk to more than one person at once, he would often become insecure, stutter, lose his train of thought, and be generally uncomfortable. Now, Sousuke hears none of it; even though Makoto does sound downcast, he knows what he wants to say, and he isn’t afraid to say it. It’s one of the changes about Makoto that Sousuke notices, and he thinks it’s definitely for the better. Did it have to be born out of the death of his best friend? No, absolutely not. But often times you don’t get to choose.

“I just wish you had _talked_ to us,” Rin fills in. “The worst thing you could have done was to just fucking leave, and you did. I thought we meant more than that to you, after all the time we spent together.”

“Rin—”

”You don’t know shit about why I left,” Sousuke says, interrupting Gou who already knows part of the reason why Sousuke left, and he wants to think that maybe this is what she wanted to hint about to Rin. “I left because it would be better for _you_.”

As expected, Rin’s reaction is to scoff in disbelief. “For us? How?”

“Because everything went to shit once I came into your lives, and don’t even try to deny that. You all lived normal lives until I came here. I wanted to give that back to you after I caused Haruka’s—”

“Don’t you _dare_ say you were the cause of Haru’s death, because that was Minami,” Rin spits out. “So what, you tried to protect us? From what? Do you honestly believe that would _help_ more than it harmed?”

Rin is still glaring at Sousuke, but he can’t find the reason to glare back with the same intensity. In reality, Sousuke obviously has no reason to be angry with the people whose house he’s been forcibly brought to by Gou, even though he tries to be as a way of distancing himself from them. It reminds him of the hedgehog’s dilemma where if people get too close, they get hurt. If they stay at a safe distance, everything is fine.

Everything could have been fine, but then they did this.

“Sousuke, I want to show you something. _We_ do.”

Sousuke turns to face Makoto, who smiles a little before he turns his attention to the TV which he turns on. He casts his phone’s screen to the TV, and navigates through a folder full of videos and photographs before settling on one of a very small file size. The video plays, and Sousuke feels the air leave his lungs when he sees the people on the screen—one person in particular. _Haruka_.

“ _… two, one!”_

The people in front of the camera—Rin, Sousuke, Aki, Kisumi, Gou, Makoto, and of course Haruka—separate from their photo pose and loosen their forced smiles. Makoto walks towards and then behind the camera, taking it off its tripod but keeping the video going. The sneaky bastard only pretended to take a photo, and all this time, no one else knew besides Makoto and obviously Rin. The camera follows Kisumi and Gou, excitedly talking about a film they’d recently seen.

Shortly after, the view pans over to show Haruka again, and Sousuke can barely breathe as he sees Haruka moving, talking, _smiling_. He hears Haruka’s voice, not like he does in his dreams, but it’s real. It _was_ real, and then it was all taken away.

“ _Wait, you’re filming?! What the fuck, Makoto!_ ”

The last thing they hear is Makoto laughing, and then the video ends. Sousuke continues to stare at the screen, and then sees a few images scroll by on the TV in front of them. It’s too much, too difficult to see. It depicts the past which had more people in it than the present does. Another video starts playing, showing yet again how Makoto apparently liked to film his friends in secret. Sousuke and Haruka are filmed from behind, so only their silhouette backsides are showing. They’re sitting on the beach watching the sunset, and Haruka has his head resting on Sousuke’s shoulder. It’s such a cliché, picturesque scene that it normally would make Sousuke laugh.

It doesn’t make him laugh.

The video ends shortly after Sousuke turned his head to discover the creep filming them, barking at Makoto to ‘turn off that fucking camera’.

“What’s the point to this?” Sousuke asks, and only then does he realise how thick his voice has gotten. “Why’d you wanna show me this?”

“To show you how happy we’ve been, all of us. Not once do I see us being unhappy because you came into our lives. You made our lives _better_. You… you gave me the courage to propose to Rin. You made stuff happen, for all of us.”

“You kicked my ass back into gear when I got rejected from what I thought would be my dream job,” Gou continues, and there’s a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Honestly, I could’ve just given up right then and there, stupid as I was. It felt like the end of the world because I had worked so hard to get there, but you kept me going _because_ I’d worked so hard. And it took me further.”

Smiles have been such a rarity in Sousuke’s life in the past year that it feels odd and out of place, like he’s stumbled upon something he doesn’t have the right to witness or experience. It feels a little bit too personal, too much. An urge to get up and leave slowly grows within, but he’s still nailed to that goddamn couch and he can’t leave. He can, but he can’t.

“What you don’t wanna realise is that you made things possible in our lives because you lent a helping hand. I don’t wanna imagine what it would’ve been like had you not moved here all those years ago.”

Sousuke glances over at Rin, who’s lost all of that aggressive attitude he had not that long ago. He doesn’t know what to say, what to do. In all honesty, all of them helped Sousuke become a better person than he was before moving to Iwatobi. He slowly but surely got rid of his rumour as a delinquent, left his old life behind and made himself a proper life in Iwatobi. All because he made friends who supported him along the way, set his head straight when his confidence wavered, when he felt like he was just creating a spider web of lies. They weren’t lies, it was all just different from what he was used to.

A part of Sousuke wants to go back to how it used to be, but something within him tells him that it won’t be possible because an integral part of the past isn’t there anymore. They’ll never be able to get back to what things used to be, and it’s a tough pill to swallow, still.

“You make it sound like I’m a fucking saint,” he mutters. “It’s a little exaggerated.”

“That _is_ a little exaggerated,” Rin says. “But you definitely had a good impact on our lives. I’m sure Aki and Kisumi would say the same, if they were here.”

Sousuke thinks of how Aki had been when he met her in that motel room not that long ago. He realises that they’re both probably in the same state, still, but they’re just handling things differently. Sousuke takes all of his guilt and anger out by being a human punching bag at work, a job he took for that sole purpose. Aki is definitely grieving in her own way which in a way resembles the way Sousuke has been living for a year, though it’s still quite different.

He wonders about Kisumi, where he left after it all happened. Until now, no one has mentioned Kisumi and what he might be up to these days. Sousuke remembers Kisumi as the unrepentant optimist who at times showed his mature and realistic side. He, if anyone, probably could have handled it well unlike everyone else, and that isn’t to disregard the friendship he had with Haruka—that’s just because Kisumi generally has a better grasp of his emotions. It might have to do with his interest in psychology and how he studied it for so long.

When evening has come, Sousuke and Gou take their leave and head back to the car. Sousuke has agreed to taking Gou to the train station from where she’ll take a train back home. It’s easier that way since she lives in the opposite direction of Sousuke in Hyogo. Sousuke is also secretly glad he gets to spend the car ride back home alone since he has a lot on his mind he needs to sort out.

He stops right outside the station, and turns off the engine. Gou hoists her purse back up into her lap, and reaches for the door handle, but her hand lingers there.

“I know this is contradictory of how this entire thing started, but… we can’t force you to come back if you don’t wanna come back here and to us. If you do, though, you’re more than welcome, Sousuke.”

Sousuke glances at Gou, and he clears his throat. “Thanks, Gou. I, uh… we’ll see.”

“Sure. I said this at the bar earlier, but it really is nice to see you again.”

“You too.”

Gou flashes him a quick smile, and then she opens the door to get out of the car. As soon as she’s disappeared, Sousuke starts the car again and starts driving away from Iwatobi back to Hyogo. It feels strange to leave, this time, because he realises that it feels like he isn’t going home. Instead, it feels like he’s _leaving_ home. Technically, he is; Hyogo has never felt like home even though he’s only lived there for a year. Iwatobi was always home, it was where his entire life existed, and many parts still do, whether or not he wants to admit it.

What a day this has been.


	3. the motivation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke finds his motivation to fight.

_Sousuke knows where he is, but he never belonged here. He’s only been outside these school walls, never inside, yet he still knows exactly where this is. He’s standing outside one of the classrooms, and there are a few students walking by him. One of them bumps into him, and it makes him annoyed._

_“Hey,” he says. “Watch where you’re walking, kid.”_

_The kid turns around, and Sousuke flinches when he doesn’t see a face, but he sees static instead, like the kind you would see on TV when you don’t have a signal._

_“Sorry,” a distorted voice tells him. The figure bows, turns around, and keeps walking. Sousuke wonders, as he watches the kid’s retreating back, if he sees this because this person isn’t important to whatever this is. Whatever his dream is trying to tell him this time._

_It’s strange, because Sousuke knows it’s a dream, yet he can’t wake himself up. Pinching himself does nothing, it only stings a little. Not as bad as it should, but he feels it. Although, it doesn’t feel like he’s pinching himself; rather, it feels like someone else is pinching him._

_A bell rings, and Sousuke knows class is over. Classroom doors open, and slowly but surely, kids looking like the one who just bumped into Sousuke start exiting, heading to their next class. Sousuke blinks, and suddenly he recognises a figure among the TV static faces._

_“Haruka,” he says, though his voice sounds like it comes from afar. Haruka doesn’t turn around; instead, he keeps on walking, so Sousuke decides to follow._

_He’s only ever seen Haruka this young in pictures, class photos that Rin and Makoto showed him whenever Haruka wasn’t around. If Haruka had been around, Sousuke would have never been allowed to see these photos._

_The Haruka walking in front of Sousuke right now, however, looks different from how Sousuke remembers him and how he’s seen Haruka in photos. Even so, Sousuke knows it’s Haruka, because it can’t be anyone else. Those sky blue eyes and the jet black hair is unmistakably Haruka’s, but there aren’t many other features that assure Sousuke this is the right person._

_Even so, he follows._

_Haruka exits the building. No one stops him on the way, greets him, jokingly punches him in the shoulder_ — _no one seems to notice him. Haruka, however, looks like he wouldn’t care if anyone came up to him, because his steps are determined and he obviously has a destination in mind._

_Sousuke briefly realises that the bell that rang didn’t signal that school’s out for the day. Kids are still in class, having lunch. Haruka would skip class every now and then, Sousuke’s been told, but not to the point where it would endanger his grades. Maybe Haruka has a doctor’s appointment to go to. Maybe he’s been excused to go visit his grandmother’s grave._

_A graveyard. Sousuke stops in his tracks when he sees that this is indeed Haruka’s destination. Has he dreamt this before? No, Sousuke would remember. He has, however, been to this particular graveyard before, and it makes him uncomfortable. Despite this, Sousuke can’t help but pick up the pace again and follow younger Haruka into said graveyard._

_There’s no one else around at this time. Sousuke doesn’t know what time it is, and strangely enough, he doesn’t have a phone in his pocket to help him find out. Looking up at the sky peeking out between the treetops doesn’t help, because it could be morning and also afternoon at the same time. By process of elimination, Sousuke knows that at least it isn’t late evening. Oh, of course it can’t be_ — _Haruka just left school in the middle of the day._

_It’s… strange. It doesn’t feel like it’s in the middle of the day. Sousuke feels tired, like it should be late at night._

_As Sousuke sets foot inside the graveyard, a distant noise can be heard. He stops briefly to try and identify what it is, but it’s such a faint sound that it’s impossible to know what it could be. Sousuke wonders if this is the result of him listening to music too loudly in his headphones; Haruka would always reprimand him about it because it would have consequences later on in life._

_No, it doesn’t seem like that kind of sound, because it slowly grows louder as Sousuke starts walking and following Haruka again. It’s such a slow and steady increase in volume that Sousuke doesn’t notice it until they’ve been going for a little bit. He looks from side to side, if maybe he’d be able to see where the hell this noise could come from, but Sousuke sees nothing suspect. All he sees are rows of tombstones, flowers, trees, the elegant black steel fence surrounding the graveyard._

“Here.”

_The sudden sound of Aki’s voice startles Sousuke, but Haruka walking in front of him seems unfazed. He keeps walking, and so does Sousuke._

“What is it?”

_Hearing his own voice is ten times more jarring, Sousuke finds out. The noise in his ears grows louder, and so do the voices of apparently himself and Aki._

“All of the information I’ve been gathering on Minami thanks to some… help.”

“What did you do?”

 _Sousuke recognises the conversation. It’s from the time Aki had presented Sousuke with the folder containing all of the information, all of the photographs, she has collected of Minami Kazuki in the past year since Haruka’s death. The only difference is that this isn’t the motel room they met in, this is_ —

_“Nothing bad. I just went out of my way, but of course I would. It was for Haru… no, it is for him.”_

_Suddenly, Haruka comes to a stop. Sousuke walks a little faster to catch up, and as he does, he sees a headstone engraved with the name of someone Sousuke knows far too well. Or knew. He doesn’t know what it is when that person isn’t alive anymore._

_“Okay.”_

_“I’m giving it to you, and not the police. Haru was too good for that. You can do with this information… with him… whatever you want.”_

_Sousuke and younger Haruka stand in front of older Haruka’s headstone. Sousuke and Aki from the time they met in the motel are nowhere to be seen, yet Sousuke swears he just heard their voices. Now that they’re gone, the noise in Sousuke’s ears has grown loud to the point where he can definitely tell it’s the kind of noise you’d hear from a TV when you don’t have a signal._

_“It’s not worth it,” younger Haruka says so suddenly that Sousuke nearly jumps out of his skin._

_“What?” he says, and he’s surprised when Haruka finally looks up at him. Sousuke’s heart splits in half the second their eyes meet, and he’s very tempted to look away, yet he wills himself to keep his gaze steady._

_“You shouldn’t do it.”_

_Sousuke’s just about to once again ask for clarification, but to his horror, Haruka’s face slowly turns into the same face he’d seen of the kid at Iwatobi elementary not that long ago. The noise grows louder, and Sousuke winces._

_“Haruka_ — _”_

_“It won’t matter.”_

Sousuke awakes covered in a cold sweat, breathing heavily as if he’d just ran along the entirety of the dock area in Hyogo. He looks at his phone on the nightstand, finding out it’s only three in the morning. He can still go back to sleep for a bit, but Sousuke knows he won’t want to.

Instead, he gets out of bed and heads out for a cold shower.

* * *

“Hey, Yamazaki.”

“Yeah?”

Hiroki approaches Sousuke, stopping right next to him. Sousuke doesn’t have to ask what it’s about, because he already knows.

“The guy from Saturday wants a rematch if you’re feeling up to it.”

Sousuke glances discreetly over Hiroki’s shoulder to try and spot the guy in the bar, but Sousuke can’t see him, at least from where they’re standing. “Really.”

“It’s a two thousand yen pay-out… though I guess that doesn’t matter to you, huh?”

Sousuke shrugs. “I might take it if I win.”

Hiroki raises an eyebrow. “If you win? So you’ll actually make an effort?”

“Sure, whatever.”

“I don’t know what the hell changed your mind, but whatever. Fight starts at five.”

Just as Hiroki heads out again, Sousuke spots the guy who wants the rematch, and he makes a silent vow to himself that he’ll win this match. He hasn’t won many since he started working at the bar, but that’ll definitely change. He has a strong suspicion about what made him change his mind, and while he won’t admit to it, he’s definitely going to take advantage of this unusual motivation. If he wins, it’ll be the first time he’ll actually accept the prize money, even though he definitely could’ve needed it before. The money Sousuke makes just by working at the bar is enough for the lifestyle he currently has, but that isn’t going to last forever, either.

[ _thinking of swinging by you tonight if you’re close._ ]

Sousuke sends Aki the message, and goes back to finish his last work hour of the day. His phone buzzes in his pocket while he’s out clearing tables, but it isn’t until he’s back in the kitchen that he reads the response from Aki.

[ _so you’ve changed your mind. i’ll send you directions_.]

The next message Aki sends is a screenshot of where she currently is, which is closer this time than when she was at the motel near Mihashira shrine. Upon a closer look, he realises that the location she’s chosen is a graveyard, and it probably isn’t just any graveyard, either. Whatever her reason is, Sousuke’s only going there to meet her and get the folder, and then he’ll leave.

Sousuke lets Aki know he’ll be over by seven, so he can at least shower before heading out, and then he prepares for tonight’s fight in the cage. As usual, Sousuke wraps his knuckles, making sure the binding isn’t sitting too tight, and he takes one last look in the mirror before he exits the room and heads for the cage.

There’s a fairly sizeable crowd surrounding the cage inside which the fighting ring is. Sousuke’s never bothered with the crowds; never cared about how many were there to watch, who they were rooting for, or who was even in said crowd. It never mattered, nothing did. All he cared about was fighting, unleashing his anger and bitterness on someone else because the coward responsible for everything left him and Haruka by the side of the road to die. One of them died, and it was Minami Kazuki’s fault.

The image of Haruka’s last few seconds in life and the face of Minami is what fuels Sousuke’s rage, and when the match begins, he’s the first to act and jump his opponent. When he looks into the face of the guy who requested the rematch, he sees Kazuki, and Sousuke wants nothing more but to kill him. But he knows deep inside that this isn’t Kazuki, it’s just some other guy who has nothing to do with him other than here at the bar where they fight. This guy isn’t whom Sousuke is supposed to kill. He’s been practicing for his reunion with Kazuki for over a year now, and he’s getting closer every fight to where he wants to be.

Sousuke punches, hits, pummels the guy until he falls. Red blooms on his skin, skin that breaks in a few places and allows blood to start dripping. He doesn’t mean to, but Sousuke’s fist makes contact with his opponent’s nose, and he almost winces when he both hears and feels the bone crack beneath his knuckles. The man bellows in pain, but he doesn’t let it defeat him, not yet. Sousuke isn’t prepared for the fist that collides with his side, close to his kidney. It causes a hitch in his breath, and Sousuke squeezes his eyes shut briefly, but he can still keep going.

The man gets up, and the match continues. Sousuke’s managed to avoid many but not all hits, and his face and body are already aching. It seems like Sousuke’s opponent is almost like him, like he has anger to get out of him by fighting – at least he makes it feel like it. Most of the time in these fights, they are just that—fights. People do it for money, for fame, for respect, and anger is—contrary to popular belief—not what makes most people enter the ring. Anger usually clouds one’s judgment, makes one susceptible to things you wouldn’t be if you had your mind sorted out.

Sousuke at least thinks he has his mind sorted out, because now he has a clear goal in mind unlike every other fight up until now. He’s fighting with the intent of one day landing the final blow on Minami, because prison is too kind of a sentence for a man who took the life of someone whose absence has now shattered more lives than Sousuke’s. Every fight he’s been in has still been _because_ of Minami, but Sousuke never intended on going after the guy until now.

The crowd cheers when Sousuke’s opponent falls to the ground for the third time, and this time, he doesn’t get up before Hiroki has counted to ten. Sousuke is declared the winner, and as he had told Hiroki before the fight, he takes the prize money, which isn’t a life-changing sum, but still good enough to make a slight difference.

“I’ve never seen this in you before,” Hiroki says. “What the hell happened to you? I mean, I’m not complaining, I’m just really surprised.”

Sousuke lets his answer lay on his tongue for a few seconds. He watches his opponent get dragged and carried out of the cage by bar staff, and sees the damage he inflicted. He’s definitely ready for this.

“I guess I found my motivation.”

Hiroki scoffs, and crosses his arms over his chest. “It sure looked like it; you gave that guy one hell of a beating. I doubt he’ll be back in that cage anytime soon.”

Sousuke and Hiroki finish their conversation, and Sousuke heads back to his room. He stuffs the prize money into his duffel bag, and heads out for the showers. It isn’t even six o’clock, so Sousuke still has a bit of time until he has to leave, so he doesn’t have to hurry. He carefully washes the half-dried blood on his face, wincing when it stings. The cold water helps to get the swelling down, so he won’t look _too_ bad when he goes to see Aki.

The drive over to the graveyard isn’t too long, but it at least gives Sousuke a little time to think to himself about things. Where could Minami have fled after that night? Is he still in Japan, at least? Sousuke has a growing suspicion Minami left the country, because that makes it more difficult to find and arrest him. Sousuke hopes that it isn’t too far away, but even if it is, he’ll go. He can live off of practically nothing after all of this is said and done as long as he gets what he’s after, so the money isn’t an issue.

Aki gave Sousuke loose directions to where in the graveyard she is, and where Haruka’s headstone is, so when he gets out of the car, he takes a quick look around the immediate area, and starts walking. The weather is nice and warm, but no day is technically nice when you’re at a graveyard. It just seems a lot more grey because of the location, even if the sun is shining.

Sousuke hates graveyards. He’s been to one before to attend a funeral, but this is only the second time in his life that he sets foot in a graveyard, which is several years after the first. He doesn’t understand why people want to surround themselves with death like this, why people visit graveyards. Funerals are one thing, but coming back every now and then to a headstone isn’t something Sousuke would do. It’s a way of showing respect and ‘visiting’ loved ones for many people, but Sousuke doesn’t understand that concept.

He’s never been here before, but Sousuke finds Aki with relative ease. She sits in front of a headstone, and as Sousuke gets closer, he sees smoke coming from incense sticks placed by the grave. His footsteps are probably what prompt Aki to turn her head to the side, but then she turns to face forward again.

“I honestly didn’t think you’d come.”

“Neither did I, but here I am.”

Aki stands up, brushes the dirt off her knees. Unusually, she carries a backpack with her, but Sousuke understands why she does when she pulls the folder from before out of it. A folder of that size wouldn’t fit in any purse, Sousuke is sure of it. As expected, Aki doesn’t hand it over right away, but keeps the red, thick folder in her hands.

“You know, I’m here several times a week. Some weeks I come every day.”

“Can I have it?” Sousuke asks. “The folder.”

Aki looks at the headstone she’s been sitting and lighting incense sticks in front of, coming to visit so often for a year. She sighs quietly, and then hands over the folder with both of her hands. Sousuke takes it, and tucks it in under his arm.

“What changed your mind?”

This time, Sousuke dares himself to look at the headstone by Haruka’s final resting place. It’s engraved with Haruka’s name, birth and death date, and the silhouette of a bird. It’s cliché, but it fits Haruka with how he always wanted to be free. Always wanted to be so free of heavy burdens he could feel light, like he could fly. In Haruka’s mind, he was a bird spreading its wings and taking off to soar in the skies above. He used to equate his professional swimming career to him being a bird locked inside of a cage. Upon leaving it all behind, Haruka more resembled the bird now engraved into his headstone. It’s a little ironic, really, but Sousuke wonders if maybe that’s just how life is.

“I just realised I have to do it.”

“So you can _actually_ move on?”

Sousuke opens the folder, flipping through the documents inside. The others may not have known what he’s been up to for the past year, which is for the better, but Sousuke knows now what Aki has been up to. Rather, she and the person she hired for the job of gathering all of this information Sousuke is now in possession of. This private investigator person has been talking to all sorts of people; from high school, from around Iwatobi, Samezuka, other parts surrounding the prefecture.

It scares him a bit just how much information these kinds of people can actually dig up on others. Now that he thinks about it, hiring a private investigator was the obvious choice for trying to avenge Haruka, because how else would they get a hold of Minami? He could be anywhere by now. According to the documents dating all the way back to the very day Minami had Haruka killed, Minami has fled to Tokyo. Sousuke can’t help but snort at that piece of information he obtains.

It also proves to him that maybe Minami isn’t as smart as he may think he is—if he truly wanted to flee, he would’ve gone a lot further than the capital of the country they were both born and raised in. Tokyo may be big, but it’s at least in Japan, so Sousuke feels confident he’ll be able to find Minami based on Aki’s papers. Unless, of course, Minami were to go somewhere else during the time Sousuke has yet to start chasing him down. The better option would be to have all of this digitised and up to date by the minute, but beggars can’t be choosers.

“I’m guessing that’s not it, then.”

Sousuke looks up from the papers. “What?”

Aki raises her eyebrows slightly, and looks off to the side. “Never mind. Thanks for doing this.”

“How can you be so sure he’s still in Tokyo?”

“I’d tell you if he wasn’t. According to my contact, he’s been there for quite some time now. Maybe he’s done running—I mean, look at all of the places he’s already been. Poor fucker’s probably tired of moving around so much.”

“If you say so.” Sousuke turns around, but stops himself before he starts walking away. “Hey, are you thinking of coming back? To Iwatobi, I mean.”

Aki scoffs. “That was unexpected coming from you. No, I’m not. Why, should I?”

“No reason.”

“Are you?”

Sousuke shrugs. “Might be.”

“I’m guessing they got through to you finally, huh.”

“Gou did. I laughed at her when she wanted me to let her do what she does best, which is apparently to tell people what to do. Apparently she’s more capable than I thought.”

“I can see and hear that. You were never this talkative before. I guess I should be impressed.”

Sousuke shrugs. “Whatever. Well, if I don’t see you around Iwatobi, then I might see you somewhere else.”

“Yeah,” Aki replies. “You might.”

* * *

Sousuke knew from the start that this lifestyle of his wouldn’t be permanent. It’s never been like that for anyone at the bar; they all move on at some point, either to other places, or they get their shit sorted out and quit whatever self-destructive lifestyle it is they’re having. For Sousuke, there’s no point in sticking around anymore now that he has things sorted out and knows what he’s doing with his life… at least for the next little bit. He knows he won’t be coming back to this, though, so he’s probably going to get a normal job at some point soon. A job that’ll definitely pay better than this did.

It wasn’t just Gou’s impact that made Sousuke consider moving back. He’s been thinking about it every now and then for a while, but he’s never had the right reason for moving back until now. And rather than staying as far away from Haruka as possible, Sousuke wants to be close. There was a reason why he moved to Iwatobi in the first place, and that was _before_ he met Haruka. There’s just something about Iwatobi that makes it feel like home. Hyogo can be nice sometimes, but it’ll never feel like home to Sousuke.

Moving back isn’t the easiest, however. Since Sousuke hasn’t had a lot of money to save up to begin with, his current financial status rules out many promising apartments he stumbles upon while browsing the web. He isn’t too picky about where in Iwatobi he would live since he has a car and can get anywhere within a reasonable amount of time, so thankfully he’s got that going for him. Even so, there aren’t many options available that suit him despite his low standards, so after he’s been browsing what feels like the entire web even outside of housing, Sousuke leans back in his folding chair, and sighs exasperatedly. He glances at his phone next to him on the desk, and then decides to swallow what little pride he has left.

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Hey,” he says. “I, uh… hope you’re not busy.”

“ _How about that; I didn’t expect you of all people to call. What’s up?_ ”

They used to be the best of friends not that long ago, yet it feels so strange and unfamiliar to talk to Rin like this. Sousuke can’t help but feel a little bad that he has a favour to ask of Rin so soon after them having reunited, but he really doesn’t have much of a choice.

“Well, I’m trying to find an apartment in Iwatobi. Not having much luck.”

“ _Ah,_ ” Rin replies. “ _Well, you’re in luck, because Kisumi just moved back, like, two-three days ago? I think. And, you know, he’s a real estate agent and all that jazz, so he can probably help you out. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind._ ”

Sousuke furrows his eyebrows in confusion at the news literally dropped on his head like a bucket of water. “Kisumi? He moved back?”

“ _Yeah! The strangest thing, I know. Anyway, you should give him a call. Or better yet, come over and we can all hang out and talk. Probably better that way._ ”

“You’re really pushing it, Matsuoka.”

Rin laughs. “ _I have to try. Listen, Kisumi’s probably got connections he can use or he can just help you find a place to live. He’s gonna be working around here, but that’s not for a little while yet, so you might as well. Unless you wanna stay in that hole you currently live in._ ”

His heart skips a beat when the fear of Rin finding out about what he’s actually been up to this past year. Maybe Gou ended up telling Rin, after all. He still doesn’t understand just how she managed to find him, but considering it’s Gou, anything goes. Sousuke wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the person Aki hired to dig up all of the information he now has on Minami. The good thing is that Sousuke can easily rule out Makoto as being the snitch—Makoto is too nice of a person to tell even his husband about something that really doesn’t concern either of them.

“What do _you_ know about where I live?”

“ _Gou told me about some of it, and I can only imagine the rest. Living where you work is just so sad, Sousuke. A bar, too… You’ve really hit a new low, even for you._ ”

Sousuke exhales a silent sigh of relief, making a mental note to thank Gou for sparing Rin and Makoto some of the details regarding his living situation. He doesn’t remember his old friends being this insistent and nosy. A little bit, sure, but it certainly got worse over time. Despite that, Sousuke can’t really find it in him to be too angry about it. It’s actually kind of nice that the ice melted between them as quickly as it did, but it probably just proves how close they’ve always been.

“Fine, I’ll do it. When?”

They decide on Saturday, which is only two days away. Sousuke decides on shifting his focus for now from apartment-hunting to job-hunting in Iwatobi instead, which proves to be a lot easier. With a culinary background thanks to his father, Sousuke sets up a few job interviews at restaurants around Iwatobi for next week, and then comes the more expensive part of booking a hotel room to stay in for the week he’ll be in Iwatobi. It’s easier that way so he won’t have to keep driving back and forth between Hyogo and Iwatobi, and besides, it gets him away from Hyogo for a bit before he moves away from there for good.

Sousuke has never actually liked his job because it just isn’t a likeable so-called profession. But now that he’s decided on leaving, it’s a lot worse trying to endure his last few days wiping tables and serving beer. Sometimes he’s liked the monotony of it, knowing what the shift is going to look like for the most part, and not having to think too much about it. But in the end, it was a shitty job with a shitty pay, and the only good thing he got out of it was kicking ass or getting his ass kicked in a cage whenever he felt like it—oh, and there was also the free housing. Which had more drawbacks than advantages, sure, but it was still better than nothing.

It’ll definitely feel strange to move away from the bar, from Hyogo, moving back to Iwatobi and attempting to live a normal life again. Sousuke barely remembers what it’s like, how one _does_ live a normal life. At this point, he doesn’t know what ‘normal’ means, but he hopes he will remember it over time. Truth to be told, this is the right thing for him to do, even if he may want to keep distancing himself from the others. They’re doing their best to pull him back into their lives for various reasons, and while Sousuke wants to fight against it, he also doesn’t.

Even though Sousuke doesn’t have an apartment picked out yet, he still packs up all of the things he won’t need to make it easier once he gets out of Hyogo. It frees up a little space around his tiny room, too, so it’s only a plus. The last thing he has to do around the bar is to tell Hiroki that he’s quitting and eventually moving, which honestly won’t be too big of a deal. Hiroki doesn’t care much like others do, so it’s only a coincidence that Sousuke left this thing for last—it certainly won’t be the hardest.

“You know, I kinda had a feeling,” Hiroki says. “With your new ‘motivation’ or whatever, the fact that you started taking the pay you were offered after the matches instead of rejecting the money like every other suicidal idiot around here does.”

Sousuke snorts. “Are you implying I’m suicidal?”

“Trust me, you’re not the first person to walk into this bar with the same intentions as you had. We’ve been around for a while. In fact, this has become kind of one of those places people come to when they’re running away from something. To get distracted, or whatever.”

It takes him a second too long to respond, which Sousuke hates. “That’s really none of your business.”

Hiroki shrugs. “I’m not saying it is. I never ask people about it, because it ain’t my business. You do you, really; I’m just employing people and kicking ‘em out if they do a bad job. Which you didn’t, and that’s why you got to stay.”

“Well… thanks for that. And for putting up with me.”

“I put up with people for a living, Sousuke. It was nothing. I’m honestly glad you finally realised you’re better than this.”

It’s not that Sousuke knows he’s better or that he _deserves_ better, but he knows it’s time for a change and that he can’t keep treading water. At some point, he has to move forward and try not to look back on what once was. He’ll always carry what happened with him, and while it’ll probably slow him down sometimes, at least it shouldn’t hold him back from living. Continuing to live is what Haruka would want him to do; Sousuke knows it, but isn’t too keen on admitting it just yet.

Before he can do so, however, Sousuke has one last thing to do in order to get his closure, not to mention to get his revenge.

On Saturday, Sousuke picks up Gou from the train station, and drives over to Rin and Makoto’s house. The very second Gou sits down in the car, Sousuke already senses a difference in the air between them from the last time they were here. He wonders if it all progresses so quickly because he’s easily impressionable, or because of another reason he can’t think of. Sousuke usually thinks of himself of stubborn, and others tell him that he is, but it seems that people from Iwatobi are a lot more stubborn than he is. Impossibly so.

“Quit my job the other day.”

“Huh. Should I say congratulations?”

“Nothing to celebrate.”

Gou scoffs. “It’s a little celebratory, admit it. You got away from a destructive job and environment and made the better decision to move back here.”

“Hm.”

“Trust me, soon enough you’ll agree.”

Sousuke parks his car on the driveway outside of Rin and Makoto’s garage, and he and Gou get out of the car to approach the front door. There are a lot of weird déjà vu-moments happening already, Sousuke realises; first with him and Gou in the car, and then as Rin opens the door to greet and let them in. The common difference is that the atmosphere is actually friendly this time around, instead of tense or hostile.

The second they step inside, a scent wafts through the air from the kitchen that makes Sousuke raise his eyebrows and hum in surprise. Rin flashes him a grin.

“You didn’t think we invited you over here again just to sit and talk and be uncomfortable? Of course we had to throw in some food to alleviate some of that. That, and because I just grab any opportunity I get to cook.”

Sousuke huffs a quiet laugh, shaking his head. “Smells great.”

“It better. Come on inside; we’ll have dinner once Kisumi comes. Habitually late, of course.”

While they’re waiting for Kisumi, the others sit down in the living room and open a bottle of red to drink whilst making conversation. They talk about work, mostly, which makes Sousuke realise how relieved he’s going to be once he can actually _talk_ about work without having to hide anything about that aspect. While both Gou and Makoto already know, Sousuke occasionally getting into fights in a cage at work probably isn’t the best subject to bring up at gatherings in general. One day, though, he’ll have to tell Rin, and he knows he might have to prepare for a potential fight after such a reveal.

Getting an apartment isn’t all that Sousuke has to figure out before moving, he also has to find himself a job. As for what he wants to do, he really doesn’t know. He has a university degree to base his career path on, but Sousuke really doesn’t want to, at least not right now. He needs something that keeps him busy physically, so Sousuke has a few options all around Iwatobi he could go for, like construction or working for a moving company. The tricky part is finding a good place that won’t screw him over, and also making sure that the job won’t bore him to death after a few weeks.

Finally, Kisumi arrives about half an hour after Sousuke’s sat down in Makoto and Rin’s living room. It’s strange, because there’s no tension when Kisumi and Sousuke greet each other again after all this time of not having been in contact at all—very different from when Sousuke met Rin, Gou, and Makoto again. What probably explains it all is that Kisumi doesn’t harbour the same kind of bitterness towards Sousuke that the others used to. Likewise, Sousuke can’t say he feels any different about Kisumi than he did before they both moved away from Iwatobi.

“Really, I didn’t think you’d be coming back here ever again,” Kisumi says. “No offence, of course. But I thought I’d seen the last of you.”

Sousuke shrugs. “I used to think I’d seen the last of Iwatobi, myself. But, well… you can probably see what dragged me back.”

“Or _who_ , you mean. Honestly, you guys were part of the reason I moved back as well. I guess you just can’t escape friendship such as the one we have.”

Rin snorts. “That sounds so cheesy.”

“But you can’t deny it. Anyway, I’d gladly help you find a place to live. In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s a few flats available in my building, still. They go for a pretty reasonable price, too.”

“As long as it’s cheap and there aren’t holes in the walls, I’m fine with whatever.”

Kisumi smiles, shaking his head. “You’ve gotta up your standards a bit. You should talk to Sei, too—he has contacts all over the place.”

“Sei? He’s still in town?”

“That guy would never leave even if you paid him to,” Rin says with the smallest hint of a laugh. “He works as an attorney downtown. You know, Sei probably wants to see that you’re still alive and well, so I agree with Kis. Talk to him, see if he could find a place for you to live.”

Sousuke doesn’t like relying on people too much; it makes him feel uncomfortable and like a burden. He knows Kisumi will insist on this not being a problem for him at all, because that’s just how Kisumi is, but Sousuke’s already asked too much of the people in this living room, and he only got back in contact with them mere weeks ago.

Kisumi sends over a few apartment ads to Sousuke that he looks through after dinner when they’ve returned to the living room with a new bottle of wine. There’s a lot to think about when relocating, which makes this whole thing a little daunting. Sousuke finds a few apartments he’s interested in, so Kisumi offers to go with him to see them. There’s going to be a lot of going back and forth between Hyogo and Iwatobi, but he hopes that it’ll be with it in the end.

Along the same line, Rin calls Sei and lets Sousuke’s first interaction with him in over a year be over the phone. It’s a little stiff at first, but Sousuke is surprised by how short-lived the awkwardness is between them. It might be because they aren’t standing face to face talking to each other, but it might also be because Sousuke and Sei weren’t close in the same way Sousuke was with most of the others. Sei is only a year older than the rest, but he was mature beyond his years. Sousuke thinks that this might be the easiest reunion out of all of the ones he’s had, and he’s glad Sei was saved for last for that reason.

“ _In any case, it’s good to hear you’re back. If you can swing by the office after four on Wednesday, I can arrange for a few viewings through a friend of mine._ ”

“Thanks, Sei. I really appreciate that,” Sousuke says, and he means it.

It’s still strange asking people for favours, but if he’s already gotten started, he might as well go all the way through with it. Hopefully he’ll have found a place to live and a workplace soon, and once he’s taken care of all the business he’s still got left on his list, he can finally settle down again.

“ _Nah, don’t worry about it. Say hi to the others for me._ ”


	4. the move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke quits his job and moves away from Hyogo back to Iwatobi. He also, like _her_ , wants this to be over with.

As the new week begins, so does Sousuke’s apartment hunting. The very first apartment he views is slightly above his budget. It’s located near the beach, which might explain the higher rent, and it’s a very open and bright flat. The biggest problem isn’t that it’s out of his budget, it’s that it just doesn’t feel like ‘him’, so in the end, Sousuke ends up taking it off his list. There’s still a few left to go, and he hasn’t even seen the places Sei told him about on Saturday.

“This one’s nice, isn’t it?”

Sousuke shrugs. “It’s fine. We still have a few places left, so I’ll just keep ‘em all in mind at the end of this week to make a decision.”

“Yeah. You still have Sei’s apartments to look at, too. I’m sure you’ll find one you like this week.”

For most people, apartment hunting takes weeks, maybe months. Sousuke is really lucky to know people who have contacts in real estate, because if he didn’t, it’d take him that amount of time as well, if not longer. The only thing that sucks about all of this, regardless of how he started apartment hunting, is the fact that he has to move. He may not have many possessions these days, but that’s the thing—he’ll have to start shopping for furniture and other things again. Everything about moving is a pain, but Sousuke knows that it’ll probably be worth it in the end.

One of the apartments really sticks out to Sousuke, and it’s one located near the Uradome coast. The coast area is famous among the Iwatobi locals for being an expensive area to live in because of the views you’ll have no matter which floor you live on or where your windows are facing. Even in winter, it’s a pretty area to be in and around. The apartment Kisumi has managed to fix him a viewing for is bright, spacious, and the rent is surprisingly affordable even to Sousuke. He has yet to view Sei’s apartments, but now that he’s seen this one apartment, his standards have subconsciously been raised quite a bit.

“The kitchen is the best part of the apartment, in my opinion,” Kisumi says. “I bet any chef would be inspired to cook here. I’d be inspired to _eat_ here, because I love food.”

Sousuke snort-laughs at that comment. “It _is_ a nice kitchen. Now get out of it; I have to take a few pictures.”

The kitchen is very modern, and it sticks out a little from the rest of the apartment. The layout is designed in a very smart way that makes the kitchen seem a lot bigger than it actually is, and the big window facing the ocean also helps to make it feel bigger. Sousuke also really likes the bathroom; it has a nice, deep bath tub, and it also comes with a washer and dryer combo.

Following the viewing of one of the apartment, Sousuke heads for his first job interview he’s had in a few years. He doesn’t count the short conversation he had with Hiroki at the bar an interview, because there were basically no questions and just him getting hired faster than he could think twice about the job.

This time, Sousuke is interviewed at a little restaurant down by the beach where, of course, they specialise in seafood. It’s a fairly small place, so the little ‘office’ he meets the manager in for his interview could easily be mistaken for the broom closet. Either way, his first impression is a fairly good one, and he hopes he makes a decent impression on the manager as well. She seems to at least consider him for the position, so that’s at least a step in the right direction. Still, Sousuke has a few other interviews scattered across this week and the next, so he can’t slow down just yet.

All of this socialising is still a little odd to him, though. For having worked at a bar, one would think Sousuke’s job was a social one, but Sousuke rarely ever talked to the patrons or even the staff around there. All he cared about was getting his mind off things while occasionally getting into an arranged fight and for the most part rejecting the cash pay-out because he wasn’t in it for the money. Now that he’s mostly left all of that behind, Sousuke hates his past self for being such an idiot when rejecting the money—because now he could’ve really needed all of it, and then some.

On Wednesday, Sousuke drives back to Iwatobi to be by his office around four, as he’d agreed on with Sei. All of this driving back and forth makes it feel like the two towns are his parents and they’ve got shared custody. Soon enough, though, he won’t have to go back to Hyogo, and for as cosy as Hyogo can be, Sousuke will be glad to leave it behind. Even though Iwatobi reminds Sousuke of everything he left his hometown for, Hyogo certainly doesn’t carry better memories with it.

He parks outside the law firm, and gets out of the car. It occurs to him that he probably looks really suspicious just standing around outside of a building like this, but he tries to look busy by scrolling through his phone while waiting. Thankfully, there’s barely anyone around, so he probably doesn’t have much to worry about.

A few minutes past four, Sousuke finally sees the familiar face of his old friend Seijuurou. Sei lifts a hand up in a lazy wave, walking up to Sousuke. He nods once, and it’s so very different from how energetic and enthusiastic Sousuke remembers him to be. He wonders if maybe that’s a bad sign.

“You’re really here,” Sei says. “Almost thought Rin was telling a fib.”

Sousuke rolls his eyes. “I think he’d try to trick you into believing literally anything else if he did.”

“He probably would, yeah. So, what changed your mind?”

“Can I say that all of them did?”

Sei laughs. “Did they? I’m impressed. You might’ve been back sooner if Kisumi had been, too, going by that logic.”

Knowing Kisumi, Sousuke doesn’t doubt the possibility of Sei’s assumption. Sousuke wonders, though, if it had been so easy even _if_ Kisumi had come back sooner, if Kisumi had been one of those to reach out. The reason why it was so easy for Gou and the others to convince Sousuke to come back was probably because Sousuke was mentally ready for it by that point, even if he didn’t think he was. Even now he wonders if he is, if maybe all of this is a bad idea.

“No offence,” Sei continues, “but your face has really seen better days. You holding up okay?”

He doesn’t know why, but suddenly Sousuke feels almost embarrassed by all of the fading bruises and scars he’s amassed in just a year, and Sei’s only seeing the ones on his face right now. Makoto’s worry made Sousuke roll his eyes, Rin’s comments didn’t faze him, but Sei somehow gets through to Sousuke in a way he doesn’t like.

“’m fine,” he mutters. “Just clumsy.”

“Did you walk into a door several times?” Sei laughs. “Fine, I won’t pry.”

As expected following their phone call the other day, reuniting with Sei is a rather quick and painless process. By the time they arrive at the first apartment to meet the real estate agent, they’re already talking as if no time has passed at all since the last time they met. It’s nice, because it’s a first out of all the people Sousuke has met again following his escape from Iwatobi.

This apartment is located closer to downtown Iwatobi, and it’s a little cheaper than the one Sousuke had seen in Uradome. It’s cosy, but maybe a bit too cramped for Sousuke’s taste. He doesn’t require much space, but he wants to at least try and raise his standards a little considering how he’s been living for a year now. After all, this next place he moves to should be a permanent place, and not like the room he has at the bar which is more like a substandard motel room. Nevertheless, it’s still definitely liveable, so Sousuke won’t cross it off his list just yet.

Houses would definitely be an option, too, but Sousuke doesn’t want to commit to a house. Even if he could rent one, it’d still feel like such a waste of space with only him living in it. Apartments suit him better; they’re more flexible, if he rents one he won’t have to worry about gigantic loans, and some even include things like electricity or internet connection in the rent. It’s a whole lot cheaper and more convenient, so Sousuke really hasn’t considered anything but apartments. It shouldn’t limit him that much, though, because Iwatobi still has many vacant apartments out there—it’s just a matter of finding one he can see himself living in for at least a year.

“I can tell what you’re thinking,” Sei mumbles next to Sousuke as they’re leaving the building. “And I agree. Sorry, I really thought this one was bigger.”

Sousuke shrugs. “They can’t all be perfect; it’s fine. My current living situation is worse, so I shouldn’t complain.”

“So I’ve heard,” Sei says. “Let’s go eat and then head to the next place.”

At the end of the week, Sousuke would still say Kisumi’s apartments were better in general. Sei’s were very much affordable and located in areas not too far away from downtown Iwatobi, so he can’t really complain about the apartments Sei had managed to book viewings for. Even so, it _is_ supposed to be a place Sousuke will want to live in for quite some time—mostly because moving is such a pain—and if he thinks along those lines, he ends up thinking about Kisumi’s apartments again.

Sei isn’t too bummed out, it seems, but Sousuke still feels a little bad enlisting the help of someone whose hand he didn’t end up taking. On the same day that he has his fourth job interview, Sousuke signs the contract for his new Iwatobi apartment. He isn’t completely out of the woods considering he has yet to find a job, but at least he has a proper place to live now.

It feels… strange. Moving to Hyogo on his own had felt strange, but back then he had been completely overtaken by grief and anger. Some of it still lingers, but as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, his grief is a lot more manageable now. Now that Sousuke is moving back to Iwatobi, some of that grief is reminding him of its presence. Iwatobi without Haruka isn’t Iwatobi. Even if Rin, Makoto, Gou, Sei, and Kisumi is there, Haruka isn’t. Sousuke has a feeling this is why Aki won’t come back to Iwatobi, because Haruka won’t ever come back. In a way he’s still there, but he also isn’t. Aki was closer to Haruka than most, so Sousuke can’t blame her if she hasn’t made it far along the stages of grief.

Sousuke calls Kisumi once more to let him know his decision regarding the apartments. In the end, Sousuke chose the one close to the coast of Uradome because it’s convenient and, for the price, the best one out of all the ones he’s seen. He doesn’t have the patience to wait around for the perfect apartment, mostly because he just really wants to leave the bar and Hyogo behind. But this isn’t a bad apartment, not at all—he just really has to hope for a job to come his way soon after all of these interviews so he can afford rent and everything else.

For the last week of living in Hyogo, Sousuke does barely anything but work at the bar and taking any opportunity to get in a few rounds in the cage. An old opponent whom he once lost to wants a rematch, which gathers a big crowd and also a big price pay-out. Sousuke doesn’t have to guess to know that people are betting against him, but that only fuels his motivation to win even more. Now he needs the money more than ever, so aside from getting extra practice before he does Minami in, Sousuke also needs the money for other things people would call ‘actually practical’.

He doesn’t care that he’s going to be bruised and battered tomorrow, or the next day. Sousuke fights because it’s one of the few things he knows how to do, and he also knows he can earn good money on it. He shuts out everything else, which definitely helps to numb the pain brought on by punches and kicks. His opponent isn’t holding back, and that’s the way Sousuke prefers his fights to go. Every once in a while, a guy comes into the cage who clearly wonders if this is okay or not. They tend to hold back, be less aggressive, miss punches on purpose. This guy’s been here quite a few times, and he’s already passed the stage of having any kind of remorse or morality.

It amazes Sousuke how long they’ve managed to keep this place open considering the illegal practices going around. There’s certainly drugs going around, but the most glaringly obvious is the fighting cage in the very centre of the bar, around which a lot of people gather to watch. Many other establishments get shut down because of illegal gambling going on around the back or downstairs, but this one place Sousuke wandered into a year ago has managed to stay open since several years before his arrival. It probably just proves how little law enforcement seems to care about what goes on.

After a longer fight with a very stubborn and resilient opponent, Sousuke gets what he went into the cage for. He ignores the booing of the crowd that just earned him more money than ever before, takes the price money, and heads back to take a shower before going back to work.

* * *

The last day at work is fairly uneventful. He serves customers, wipes off tables, loads and unloads the dishes, just barely wins another match in the cage. Just before he’s about to head back to his room from the showers, however, Hiroki approaches him not only with the money he won, but also to say the most undramatic farewell. Because this really is farewell; Sousuke has no plans on ever returning to Hyogo once he’s moved. He doesn’t tell Hiroki this, but Sousuke’s sure the manager understands that without being explicitly told the words.

“You’re one hell of a fighter,” Hiroki says. “Probably ain’t many people out there who dare pick a fight.”

Sousuke rolls his eyes. “Oh, I can think of a few. Well, I’m heading out. It’s been a good ride.”

“Yeah, it has. Take care, Yamazaki.”

With the very few possessions Sousuke has, he finally leaves Hyogo and drives to Iwatobi, to the new apartment he’s just gotten the keys to. It’s still empty, and he’s going to have to sleep on a mattress on the floor tonight, but it’s only temporary. Soon enough, he’ll hopefully be able to turn his apartment into somewhat of a home. First of all, though, he needs money in order to do so, and to earn money… Sousuke needs a job. Somehow.

He’s surprised by the fact that he has mixed feelings upon leaving Hyogo behind. It’s been a good way to get away from everything and hide from reality, but at the same time, Sousuke knew it wouldn’t last very long. He’s actually glad he’s quit the job at the bar and that he’s now moving away from Hyogo, because it probably means his life is going in the right direction again. All it took was a strange intervention by his old friends, and he was on his way.

Thinking about said friends, Sousuke’s mind wanders to Aki, and subsequently to the promise he made her. He knows he has to act soon and fast, because Minami may be getting ready to flee elsewhere again. Sousuke decides to call Aki as he’s just finished setting up his temporary sleeping arrangements on the floor.

“ _Yeah?_ ”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“ _Indeed it is. So, how’s it feel to be back?_ ”

“Strange,” he says. “Might get used to it, though.”

“ _Good luck with that. Why’re you calling?_ ”

“I think you know. Have you heard anything about him recently?”

“ _Seems he’s still in Tokyo, but at a different address. I’ll text it to you. When are you gonna deal with him? He might not be there much longer, you know._ ”

Sousuke sighs. “Soon. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon. It’s difficult.”

“ _I know_ ,” Aki says. “ _You’ve just gotten back in touch with everyone and you don’t wanna fuck that up. At the same time, you don’t wanna wait much longer because, like me, you want this to be over with_.”

“I’m not even surprised you know all this. Hey… you should come back. See everyone.”

Aki’s response lingers on her end of the line for a bit, but Sousuke expected it to. “ _I don’t think so. Things are fine the way they are._ ”

“At least think about it. They miss you, you know.”

This time, she laughs a little, and it’s the first time Sousuke’s heard Aki laugh in over a year. “ _What about you?_ ”

“I saw you the other day, I don’t count.”

“ _Fair enough._ ”

Sousuke knows how this is going to sound, but he doesn’t much care. “Won’t you at least consider it?”

Aki exhales, and she sounds almost exhausted. “ _If I move back, then what? We go back to things being normal? You know we can’t do that._ ”

He knows it all too well, because he’s reminded of it every single day, ever since the first day he woke up knowing Haruka wasn’t around anymore. The left side of his bed was empty and cold for too long, and he only stayed there for a few days after Haruka’s passing until he packed his stuff and fled to Hyogo. Haruka is always in his dreams, he’s always on Sousuke’s mind as if he never left. The toughest thing about it is that Sousuke still doesn’t know whether to see that as some sort of comfort or the complete opposite.

“I know,” Sousuke says. “But we can at least try and live on… for his sake.”

“ _So you want me to move back._ ”

“Sure.”

Now, Aki snorts. “ _That’s reassuring_.”

“I mean, in the end, it’s all up to you. But if I had a say in it, I’d be glad to see you come back.”

They’ll never be whole again, but at least they can pick up the pieces that are left and try to assemble something new that might still work. It’ll never be the same, but it’ll at least be something other than a bunch of scattered pieces. Sousuke didn’t want to admit it at first, but he knows they’re all better together. It took him a little over a year to get to this point, but at least he got there.

“ _I’ll think about it. Don’t tell anyone else, I… I don’t want all sorts of attention because of a ‘maybe’._ ”

“Gotcha.”

“ _Deal with Kazuki first, and then we’ll talk_.”

“Was planning on it whether you’re coming back or not, but sure. I’ll update you soon. Gotta get my flights sorted.”

“ _Good. Talk soon._ ”

Sousuke starts looking at flights to and from Tokyo, and finds himself a good deal a little less than two weeks from now. The tricky part is going to be making up a reason as for why he has to leave Iwatobi again so soon, because Rin and the others will certainly be curious. Sousuke is a terrible liar, so he’ll have to think of something believable or they’ll be able to tell right away that he’s hiding something. They don’t need to get involved, nor should they. Sousuke’s confident he can take care of all of this by himself.

“I’m really glad you got out of that job, Sousuke.”

“ _You_ are? How’s so?”

Makoto gives him a look that says he should know the answer already. “Because it obviously wasn’t good for you. Just look at the permanent scars all over your face.”

“Oh, it made me less pretty?”

“You know what I mean,” Makoto says and lightly kicks Sousuke in the shin under the table. “Now, I still haven’t told Rin about it, obviously, but I think you should.”

“Why do I have to? It’s in the past.”

“Not so distant past,” Makoto says with a light snort. “If he finds out somehow, he’ll be pissed that you didn’t tell him.”

Sousuke raises his eyebrows at Makoto’s choice of word, one he would usually find unpleasant had it been said by anyone else. “Fine. Gotta find the right moment to say it, though.”

“Don’t let it take too long.”

“Are you threatening me? I’ll talk to him, Makoto. Jeez.”

Makoto tries to look sternly at Sousuke, but he only manages to keep it up for a second or two before he smiles. “I might’ve finally found a way to get you to spring to action. Good to know.”

“That’s unfair, Tachibana.”

“I will be if I have to.”

Despite the light scolding, it’s nice to hang out with Makoto alone for once. If he’s being judgmental, he’s doing a good job of concealing it with kindness instead, and Sousuke likes that. He knows it probably isn’t good for him and that it most definitely won’t last, but for now, he’s glad to get a little bit of a break. Makoto knows it’s been Sousuke’s own way of grieving to move away, distance himself, and to distract himself from everything by punching away at strangers inside of a cage. Sousuke always knew it certainly wasn’t a healthy way of dealing with it, but it felt _right_. Took him back to his roots for a bit, that’s for sure.

Finally the following week, Sousuke lands himself a job at the seafood restaurant down by the beach. For the first little bit, he’s working the less busy lunch hours, which he’s fine with. His hopes are to climb the ladder and become a head chef in the kitchen which would give him more freedom and something he really wants to do for a living. Cooking is fun, and he won’t mind the stress that’ll come with it, because it’ll keep him busy. Dull jobs aren’t for him, he needs to keep his mind and body busy as much as he can or his mind will start drifting off.

This whole ordeal of living a double life is certainly interesting and taking a toll on Sousuke in a way he’d never expected it to. For the most part, he’s gone back to being friends with everyone: spending time with them, talking, having fun, joking. But the other side of it that none of them see is his mental preparation for the closure he’s sought for over a year now, the closure he’s only gonna get if he puts Minami six feet under. He’s prepared for it for so long and he’ll stop at nothing to finally reach his goal. Nothing else matters until this is over and he can put it behind him.

[ _leaving tomorrow. texting u when i arrive._ ]

[ _send him my regards_ ]

[ _oh, i will. tell me ASAP if you hear anything from your guy if this fucker moves_.]

[ _don’t worry, he won’t. you’re giving him too much credit, lol_ ]

“Who’re you talking to?” Rin asks. Sousuke looks up, and he shrugs before putting his phone down on the coffee table in front of him.

“The boss, just some general information before I start working.”

Rin raises his eyebrows slightly. “Well, congrats on finally getting a job. That’s a good place which we tend to frequent, so don’t act too surprised if you see me or Kis there more than once a week.”

“It’s true,” Kisumi confirms. “They pretty much know us by now.”

Sousuke and Kisumi are at Rin and Makoto’s place for the afternoon, with Makoto being at work. Rin _should_ be at work, but he’d prioritised otherwise today for some reason Sousuke’s completely missed out on. Kisumi’s the only one who can move his schedule around as he pleases as long as he puts in enough hours every week. It really makes Sousuke think about how very different all of their career paths are, and how they’re still making things work with their often clashing schedules, even now when Haruka isn’t around anymore.

Speaking of work, Kisumi’s phone rings while they’re in the middle of a somehow heated argument about TV shows, so he excuses himself to go somewhere a little more quiet to take his phone call. While he does that, Sousuke takes the opportunity to use the restroom, which it feels like he hasn’t been allowed to do while Rin and Kisumi have been having a verbal tennis match about something really trivial. It reminds him of what once used to be, and how he misses those times. Things were less complicated when they were younger, when there seemed to be no troubles on the horizon.

When he comes back to the living room, Kisumi has yet to return, but Rin has turned on the TV and is lazily watching it whilst tapping away at his phone.

“Who’re you talking to?” Sousuke fires back at Rin from earlier. Rin rolls his eyes, still looking down at his phone.

“Makoto. He’s on his way home soon.”

“Guess I will have left by the time he comes.”

“Hm. Hey, you up to anything tomorrow? Sei wanted to meet up for a race, for old times’ sake.”

Sousuke hasn’t gone for a swim since long before Haruka passed away, and he’s honestly almost forgotten about the fact that he used to be a swimmer once. He, Makoto, Rin, Sei, and sometimes Haruka would occasionally do a few laps or a race around the pool at which Makoto would later get his first job. It was fun and a good way to let off some steam, but again, not something Sousuke’s been thinking about since he moved. Even if he did, he does have other plans the next day.

“Sorry,” he says. “Heading into work to sort stuff out.”

“Even though you haven’t started yet? Fine, I’ll race him on my own. But I’ll tell him you forfeited out of fear.”

Sousuke laughs dryly at that. “Fear of who?”

“Well, either myself or him.”

“I’m allergic to chlorine.”

“Funny.”


	5. the intrusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke learns the importance of having a screen lock on his phone.

Early the next morning, Sousuke gets out of bed and packs the last of his necessities in his backpack. He’s glad the travelling portion of the day is going to be short, because he’s prone to getting restless if he has a set destination and has a long way to get there. This time especially, he knows he’d grow restless incredibly fast if he had to spend a long time waiting to get there. By tomorrow, Sousuke hopes that this is all over and that he can finally get some closure.

The last thing Sousuke does is write down the possible addresses where he might find Minami on a piece of paper. Most of the folder is full of photos of the fucker that Sousuke didn’t want to see anyway; candid photos taken in various places and from different angles. Physically, Minami hasn’t changed a thing, judging by those photos, which Sousuke finds reassuring. He hopes that Minami’s IQ hasn’t gone up by much since they last met, because that could prove a problem for Sousuke coming to get him. If Minami moves, no one will know where he’s headed to. The information Sousuke has is current as long as he doesn’t take too long getting to Tokyo.

Shoving the note into his back pocket, Sousuke turns off the lights, exits the apartment and locks the door behind him before jogging down the stairs. His car is parked just outside; thankfully, Sousuke had been able to nab the last spot right outside of the apartment building the night before. He knows it’ll be difficult to get good parking spots when he refuses to pay for the indoor car park, but he hopes to afford doing so very soon, mostly because of the weather.

When Sousuke exits his apartment complex, he sees the car, but what makes him stop in his tracks is that he sees Rin standing by said car. He frowns in confusion as he walks closer.

“What’re you doing here? I said I can’t race today.”

“I know,” Rin replies. “I’m coming with you instead.”

Sousuke huffs a little laugh. “You don’t even know where I’m going.”

“Tokyo. So, I’m coming with you.”

“What the f—who told you?”

Rin rolls his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “No one told me directly. I had to find out why you’ve been so secretive, so I took the opportunity yesterday. Why isn’t Aki coming if she’s as hellbent on killing Minami as you are?”

Sousuke curses himself for having left his phone unattended. He really needs to put a PIN-code on that stupid thing, though he hadn’t really needed to until yesterday. He wouldn’t ever need to if people just minded their own damn business. He wonders if Rin got concerned and looked through his phone because Sousuke’s just _that_ transparent and can’t keep a straight face. If so, a PIN-code on his phone won’t make much of a difference.

“That's got nothing to do with you. I’m going alone because I just wanna talk to the guy. We don’t have to be two for that.”

“Can you stop _lying_?! Trust me, Sousuke, I know you. Even if I don’t know what you’ve been doing for the year you weren’t in Iwatobi, I know what kind of person you are. And I know you’re not just going to ‘talk’ to Minami. You probably told Aki to stay out of it so she won’t get hurt, which I’m all for, but don’t fucking lie about it now that I already know what’s going on.”

“What are you gonna do about it, Rin?” Sousuke asks, and he takes a step closer to Rin, leaving them mere inches apart. Rin, however, doesn’t flinch nor budge, and he keeps his angry gaze steadily locked with Sousuke’s eyes.

“I’m coming with you, like I said. And no, you can’t stop me from going.”

Sousuke tries so hard to get Rin to back out by just staring him down, but he already knew beforehand that Rin is stubborn enough to stick to his word no matter what. So instead, Sousuke sighs in resignation, he unlocks his car, and the two of them get in.

Most of the car ride to the airport is spent in silence. Sousuke doesn’t even bother asking about how Rin is going to get to Tokyo, because he knows Rin had more than enough time to book a flight ticket yesterday after Sousuke and Kisumi had left. He wonders if Makoto knows, and also if Kisumi does at this point. If Rin is coming with Sousuke ‘for his own good’, then it wouldn’t be dumb to assume Rin told their friends and his sister about it all.

Sousuke braces himself for an argument, and opens his mouth. “Who have you talked to about this?”

“What?”

“You must’ve told someone. Makoto, at least.”

Rin shrugs. “I told him, yes. He’s my _husband_ ; he should at least know where the hell I’m going and what I’m doing.”

“What _you’re_ doing? So not what _I’m_ about to do.”

“You make it sound like you’re gonna kill him.”

This time, Sousuke doesn’t respond. He sees Rin’s facial expression in the corner of his eye, and it makes him want to punch Rin in the face. Unfortunately, he’s driving and he normally considers himself a good driver. That’s not gonna change for something like this. At least it didn’t turn into a heated argument like he’d almost expected, that’s something. He remembers so many of their arguments and fights in the past; fights that ended with them not only being bruised but severely beaten up, too. For two people who considered themselves to be best friends, they sure fought more than regular best friends probably do.

“Fine, if you’re not gonna respond to that, answer me this. Did you already get a room sorted for your stay? ‘Cause I don’t doubt you’d wing it for such an occasion.”

Sousuke sniffs. “I did, actually. Can’t guarantee a comfortable spot for you to sleep in, though, because I was obviously planning on going alone.”

“Eh, I’ll manage. Since I was the one to intrude, it’s only right if I figure that out myself.”

“Definitely.”

Sousuke hasn’t been on an aeroplane in ages, let alone in an airport. He probably does a terrible job of hiding this, because security is giving him really weird looks as he passes through. It’s not that he has anything to hide—he’s not dumb enough to bring sharp or explosive in a carry-on like apparently _some_ people do, but it still makes him uneasy for some reason he can’t explain. Luckily, he doesn’t get stopped and the scanner doesn’t go off as he goes through security, so he’s safe for now, at least.

As they exit security and have retrieved their belongings, Rin insists on going through the tax free shops for a bit, so Sousuke lets him while he himself heads off to sit and wait outside the gate. It’s not going to be a long flight, so he doesn’t really need to buy anything on the way to or even from Tokyo.

Souvenirs were never his thing, it was Haruka’s. Many of the surfaces in their house were littered with things they’d picked up during travels, and they all existed because Haruka thought they needed to buy something as a way to remember where they’ve been. It’s funny, because they always took tons of photos wherever they went, so Sousuke never saw the need for souvenirs when they still _had_ those memories Haruka insisted on attaching to meaningless souvenirs that did nothing but take up surface space around their house.

Sousuke doesn’t remember where it all went, and he barely even remembers what happened to the house when he fled Iwatobi. Knowing their friends, they’re probably the ones who took care of all the paperwork following Haruka’s death when Sousuke’s solution to all of his problems was to run away from everything.

It hits him that, even though Sousuke’s moved back to Iwatobi, he has yet to go back to the house he and Haruka shared. The house which Sousuke moved into when he and Haruka started dating, the house that Haruka always thought was far too big for only himself. A house they made into their home, that Sousuke ran away from in the end. It was never his house, it was _theirs_. It wouldn’t feel right to keep on living alone in that big house when he was supposed to share it with Haruka.

A voice leaks out over the loudspeakers announcing that their gate has just opened. Sousuke gets up from his seat just in time for Rin to come join him with a plastic bag in hand. Sousuke raises an amused eyebrow, to which Rin rolls his eyes.

“Before you say anything, I actually bought necessities. Chewing gum for the flight so we don’t blow our eardrums out, and water because it’s way more expensive on the plane. Oh, and a few snacks both for the flight and after.”

“Snacks,” Sousuke repeats, now more amused because Rin felt the need to explain his purchase. “Whatever, it’s your own money. I’m not gonna judge.”

“But you are.”

“A little.”

They get in line to board the flight, and soon enough, they’re navigating the narrow hallways of the plane towards their seats. Rin is seated further up ahead than Sousuke, which Sousuke is a little relieved about since it gives him a little privacy during the short flight to Tokyo. Now that Rin decided on tagging along without permission, he has to do things completely on Sousuke’s terms if he doesn’t want Sousuke to abandon him somewhere.

Which, honestly, he still might do since Rin has nothing to do with this in the first place.

For the entirety of the flight, Sousuke sits with his eyes closed and listens to music, but he doesn’t sleep. It’s a very short flight, so he knows that he’d only feel worse if he fell asleep since he’d have to wake up in no time whenever they have to get off the plane. Besides, he did get a few hours of sleep last night, so he should be good to go for the rest of the day. As for whether or not he’ll catch up to Minami today is another issue, but first, he has to get his bearings around a city he’s never been to.

It all starts in a taxi they take from the airport towards the hotel. Rin’s been to Tokyo several times, so to him, the scenery is very familiar. Sousuke, however, looks out the window at everything they drive past. Tall and elegant skyscrapers, blinking neon signs, giant shopping districts seemingly going on forever. It’s a little much, Sousuke has to admit, and he’s glad Iwatobi is the way it is. It also makes him realise just how difficult it’s going to be to pin down Minami in this huge metropolis, despite the list he’s got that Aki compiled for him.

The hotel they’re staying at is definitely nicer than the shabby room Sousuke lived in for a year in Hyogo, but it still makes Rin wrinkle his nose in poorly-disguised disgust as they enter the room.

“You can always try and find some other hotel,” Sousuke says as he throws his duffel bag onto the floor by the bed. “I told you before—”

”It’s fine. I can get by; we won’t be here long, anyway.”

Sousuke hums. “First you didn’t want me going after Minami, now you want me to get it over with quickly. Mixed signals there, Matsuoka.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Rin retorts. “I know I can’t change your mind, so I’ve sort of given up. I’m just gonna make sure I won’t be around when you punch his face in, or however you plan on offing the guy.”

“How about that,” Sousuke replies. “No, I’m not planning on staying here long. I want this over with sooner than you want to go home, trust me.”

“I wonder about that.”

They order takeout and watch terrible films on TV for the rest of the evening. As they got into Tokyo late, Sousuke wouldn’t have wanted to spend the entire evening going out looking for a guy who’s most likely not anywhere close. He does, however, give Aki a status update per text message when Rin has fallen asleep on the couch.

[ _arrived. still think he’s around?_ ]

[ _i_ _haven’t heard anything else, so he should def still be in tokyo._ ]

[ _great. talk to u tomorrow_.]

Sousuke puts his phone on charge and heads into the bathroom before he goes to bed. He doesn’t bother waking Rin, because he knows Rin will get up on his own accord to at least brush his teeth before properly going to sleep.

* * *

_The ocean spreads out in front of him; wide, endless, terrifying yet calming. It smells like salt, like seaweed, and strangely enough, it almost smells like home. Sousuke never knew what home smelled like until he moved here, until he met Haruka. It’s been so long now, but sometimes he feels like they met and fell in love just a week ago. At times it all still feels new and fresh, like they’re in a semi-constant honeymoon phase._

_Sousuke leans against the railing, and he exhales a long sigh. Next to him, he hears a silent huff, a laugh. He turns his head, furrowing his eyebrows slightly._

_“Why are you laughing?”_

_“I’m not,” Haruka says. “Though I’m not sure what that was.”_

_“Then it was a laugh.”_

_“Not quite.” A pause. Sousuke doesn’t know what it means. “You must really like it here.”_

_Sousuke raises his eyebrows slightly, and he shrugs. “You’re one to talk.”_

_“This isn’t my dream, it’s yours. You often take us back here.”_

_Why does he? Sousuke doesn’t know. He would like to say that it’s because Haruka loved the ocean, loved how calming it was to just listen to the waves crashing back into shore, hearing seagulls in the distance, not having another care in the world for just that moment._

_But in reality, Sousuke doesn’t know. Or if he subconsciously does, his mind won’t bring it up to the surface to have it be known even to Sousuke himself. He wonders if maybe that’s his brain’s way of protecting him, or maybe the opposite._

_“What do you expect to accomplish, Sousuke?”_

_It’s almost an accusatory question that makes Sousuke look back at Haruka, but this time with a confused expression he can’t hide. “What?”_

_“Kazuki,” Haruka says, and the way he says it makes Sousuke shudder with discomfort. He hates remembering that Haruka and Minami had a past together, however brief it may have been. “What do you expect to accomplish by finding him?”_

_“I want closure,” Sousuke says. “And I want him to pay for what he did to you.”_

_“Not just to me, but to everyone else as well, right?”_

_Sousuke doesn’t look away. “Yeah.”_

_“And once you’ve given him what he deserves, then what?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_Haruka sighs, impatient. “You know what I mean, Sousuke.”_

_The reason why Sousuke hasn’t thought this far is because he doesn’t think he can. How can he possibly imagine what things will be like once all of this is over? He’s been dreaming of killing Minami for months, making him pay for ending a life that was important to so many people other than Minami himself. None of it ever made sense. Why would Minami go so far as to crash into their car when he should’ve known death was a possible outcome?_

_Maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe that’s what Minami wanted, to make sure that if he couldn’t have Haruka, no one else could, either._

_“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “But I won’t find out until I’m there.”_

_“What if you don’t?”_

_“I’ll have to. For your sake, if nothing else.”_

_Haruka laughs, but his laugh is completely void of humour. “I can’t change your mind, can I?”_

_“No. Not after all this time. Not when I’m this close.”_

_Everything around Sousuke starts to brighten, as if someone’s turning the dial of a dimmer slowly. He looks at Haruka, who’s taken a step back from the railing._

_“I doubt this is the last time you’ll see me,” Haruka says. “Undoubtedly, we’ll be back here again soon.”_

_“You sound like you don’t want that.”_

_“I’m dead, Sousuke,” Haruka says with his signature bluntness in full display. “I don’t have a say in any of this.”_

_Before he’s able to say anything, Sousuke’s vision becomes completely white, and the ambient sounds from the ocean die out as if someone turned off the radio._

“Haruka…!”

Sousuke sits up in his bed, out of breath and drenched in sweat. His vision is still blurry, so he allows his eyes to readjust to the environment he’s in. It’s dark, but he recognises the hotel room he’d arrived to not that long ago. Judging by how dark it is in the room, Sousuke would say it’s still in the middle of the night. He turns to pick up his phone from the nightstand, and sure enough, it’s only just past three in the morning.

“You talk in your sleep.”

He turns his head so fast he hears a cracking sound in his neck. On the couch lies Rin, eyes still closed, but he’s clearly awake. Sousuke lies back down, sighing quietly.

“Hm.”

“So… do you wanna talk about it?” Rin asks, almost hesitantly as if he doesn’t want to. Sousuke, however, knows he doesn’t.

“No,” he says. “Sorry for waking you. Go back to sleep.”

Sousuke turns to lie on his side with his back turned to Rin. He feels Rin watching him, but it isn’t going to make him budge. He instead focuses on getting some extra sleep before morning comes proper, because he intends on making the day count. The longer it takes Sousuke to find Minami, the bigger the risk is that Minami will leave Tokyo and head elsewhere. As much information as Sousuke had gotten from Aki, none of it mentioned if Tokyo is the place where Minami has finally decided on settling down.

That wouldn’t make sense, of course, because even if Tokyo is big, it’s too damn easy for _anyone_ to track him down around there if they only know where to look. Right now, Sousuke doesn’t know, but it probably won’t take him long.

* * *

Despite his list of bars, restaurants, hotels, motels and other establishments likely to house Minami Kazuki, Sousuke doesn’t know where to start. It’s a little overwhelming, both knowing he’s really close and knowing he has more than just a handful of places to visit. Luckily for him, Rin has been to Tokyo several times before, and he also has a better sense of direction, so he maps out their course for the day based on which places are closest and follow a logical route.

The tricky thing is that they can’t just go up to anyone and ask about Minami, because if they ask the wrong person, they could chase Minami further away, maybe even out of Tokyo. With Sousuke’s limited social skills, that presents yet another issue. Honestly, he has no idea what the hell he was thinking going into this. More than dangerous, this Tokyo trip could just turn out a complete failure because Sousuke botched something through an awkward conversation or they completely lose track of Minami.

“Honestly,” Rin says with his mouth halfway stuffed with takoyaki, “you’d do best in letting me do most of the talking.”

Sousuke glares at Rin. “And why’s that?”

“Because you’re clumsy, and I know you’d love to dive headfirst into something without thinking.”

“Thinking is a waste of time.”

“It really doesn’t have to be. If you’re smart about it, it could _save_ you time, not to mention trouble. Hey, if you don’t wanna catch this guy, then fine. I’m just making a suggestion.”

“I already let you set our course.”

“So?”

Sousuke wants to win this stupid argument, he really does, but he quickly realises he can’t. So instead, he does what a wise person would do, and drops it right there. Surrendering, Sousuke agrees with Rin that maybe it’s better if he does most of the talking when they try to find out where the hell Minami is.

Their first stop is a motel in a shady part of Ueno. It’s quite far away from where their hotel is, but it doesn’t matter. Sousuke scopes out the area, and Rin is quick to start talking to people standing outside smoking or hanging out by parked motorcycles. It’s such a stereotypical scene he’s seen in films so many times it makes Sousuke want to laugh, but he’s smarter than that.

“Hey, tiger.”

Sousuke turns his head. A scantily clad woman has stopped by him, and the way she’s looking him up and down makes him feel like she’s trying to undress him with her eyes. Unfortunately for her, she isn’t going to make money on this guy.

“Keep walking,” he mutters. “Not interested.”

She clicks her tongue. “Then why’re you even here?”

“Tourist,” he says. “We got lost.”

The prostitute laughs. “Adorable. Well, I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

As she walks away, Sousuke replies with a ‘Likewise’ under his breath.

Soon enough, Rin catches up with him again, and he shudders. “God, I wasn’t prepared for this. I’d feel better if I found something out.”

“I already told you—”

“I know,” Rin snaps. “But now I’m here, so we might as well continue.”

And so they do. They continue to travel by taxi through the areas Sousuke’s marked down on his list, each place quickly becoming a let-down as they can’t seem to find out anything useful. The closest they get is a woman at one of the clubs Minami used to frequent, but she hasn’t seen him in weeks, so her testimony might as well not have mattered in the first place. Sousuke doesn’t even know if they’re getting closer or the opposite, all he knows is that it might take them a _long_ time to track this guy down at this rate.

Bit by bit, Sousuke gets to see more of what Tokyo is _really_ like, the side of Tokyo that they probably don’t want you to see. And of course, this isn’t new to him, per se, because he’s been in areas like these in other parts of the country. Every prefecture has their flipsides that ‘normal’ society desperately tries to hide or forget about. The good thing about this is that Sousuke knows them, so while he doesn’t necessarily _want_ to visit these places, he knows how to get around and not stand out. Rin, on the other hand, is good with directions but terrible at acting like he belongs where he is if he really doesn’t belong.

Day blends into evening, and by the end of said evening, Sousuke still hasn’t found any valuable information. The last bar of the night that they visit is in Roppongi, which looks like one of those touristy areas on the outside, but of course, when you look closer and turn the corner, you’ll find places that both tourists and locals avoid. The bouncers are big and muscular, they’re rude, and they’re obviously trying to keep the wrong people out.

“I know I shouldn’t be surprised that you look like you feel right at home here, but I can’t help it,” Rin says. “It’s… very unsettling.”

Sousuke shrugs. “Used to work in a place like this, it’s not that bad.”

“You did?”

“Yep.” Sousuke decides on only handing Rin the easier pill to swallow now, and saves the tougher part for later. “You quickly learn to not be surprised by the shit that goes down around here.”

Rin scoffs, and he shakes his head in disbelief. “I don’t think I could, like, ever.”

“I know. You’re like an innocent puppy, but you’ve already gotten your fangs, so you look scarier than you actually are.”

“Wow.”

“I hit the nail right on the head, don’t lie.”

“Sure.”

“If you dare, you can go on up ahead. I’m just gonna go make a phone call.”

Rin lifts his hand in a lazy wave, and starts walking off. Surprising to Sousuke, who thought Rin would be more apprehensive to the suggestion.

“Tell Aki I said hi.”

Sousuke watches Rin enter the club, and he bites back a grin as the bouncers eye Rin suspiciously as he enters. As soon as Rin has disappeared inside, Sousuke calls Aki.

“ _Yeah?_ ”

“Last stop,” he says. “We haven’t found shit, Aki. He must be elsewhere.”

“ _What?! But the info I gave you is current. Like, there’s no way he’s left._ ”

“Obviously there _is_ a risk that he’s gone. Who knows, maybe one of the people we’ve talked to today alerted him, telling us they didn’t know.”

Aki falls silent for a second. “ _We? Who’s there with you?_ ”

Sousuke closes his eyes briefly, cursing internally as he realises he never told Aki that Rin tagged along without his permission. “Rin’s here. He found out.”

“ _How the fuck did you let him find out?_ ”

“I didn’t let him!” Sousuke protests. “Idiot got suspicious and went through my messages.”

“ _… How much does he know?_ ” Aki asks slowly, and Sousuke is really glad she isn’t anywhere near him right now.

“Well, he’s obviously here in Tokyo. I’m not gonna let him come with me when I see Minami.”

“ _What if you’d already run into him while Rin’s there? God, Sousuke_ — _you could’ve been a little bit more careful, you know._ ”

He rolls his eyes and sighs exasperatedly. “I know, okay? Anyway, what do I do now?”

“ _I’ll have to contact my guy again. I’ll text you soon. If I find out where he is, don’t fuck up again_.”

Sousuke doesn’t have time to reply before Aki hangs up on him. He runs his hand down his face, exhales slowly and relaxes his shoulders, realising that he was naive to think it was going to be this easy.


	6. the betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin and Sousuke start going down Sousuke's list of possible locations to track down Minami Kazuki in Tokyo. It doesn't take them long to realise how daunting and difficult this is going to be; however, Rin gets unexpected help.

> _Rin_.

He won’t admit that he’s scared, but Rin is definitely scared. He’s walking around among people who are either drunk or high, some are both, in a club somewhere in Tokyo. All because he desperately wants to stop Sousuke from making a mistake Rin _knows_ he’ll regret making. Minami Kazuki isn’t worth the time Sousuke will spend in prison for killing him. Minami isn’t worth any of it, but at the same time, Rin understands Sousuke’s sentiment and agrees that they can’t just let the man walk free.

The music is loud, and the bass is so deep it rattles Rin’s bones. He wonders how the hell anyone can find this sort of thing fun and enjoyable—though to be fair, most people around him are probably just there to get high and commit crimes.

(He’ll only ever think this to himself and barely admit his feelings on the matter, because he knows it makes him sound like he’s old and grumpy.)

In the hopes of becoming a little bit more brave if he’s had a drink or two, Rin orders himself a beer from the bar, and drinks it while standing by the bar and checking out the area and people around him. To someone who’s just passing by, this bar looks like any other bar you’d find just about anywhere. Maybe Rin thinks of it differently because he and Sousuke are on a mission to find someone who obviously deals with a lot of underground stuff, but to him, this isn’t the regular old bar.

The good thing about the silver band on his left ring finger is that it seems to keep people away from him, men and women alike. He’s seen people look his way, eye him from head to toe, but then as their eyes get stuck on the ring he displays on purpose while holding his beer, they look elsewhere or walk away. He doesn’t know what it is, but both he and Makoto have been approached by people interested in ‘getting to know them’ more than once since they got married. This, however, is the last place Rin would want to hook up with someone from, if he ever _wanted_ to do such a thing.

Who knows if he’d even come home alive after such an encounter?

Minutes pass and become half an hour, but Sousuke is still nowhere to be seen. Rin orders his second beer, and finally musters the courage to start talking to various people around him. The bartender _knows_ of Minami, but he hasn’t seen Minami around in a while. Rin slowly realises that this seems to become a trend, as other people say the same thing. Either they’ve seen him around and don’t know where he is anymore, or they don’t even know who Minami is.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, so Rin steps off to the side to see who’s contacting him. He breathes a little sigh of relief when he sees Sei’s on his screen.

[ _Where in Tokyo are you? Have you found him yet?_ ]

[ _some shady part of roppongi. no luck. where r u?_ ]

Rin knows Sousuke’s going to be pissed. He knows it, and he’s almost ready to sacrifice their friendship over this, because it’ll ultimately mean Sousuke’s safe and sound, and not in jail for killing Minami. Or worse, dead because he found the guy who killed Haruka.

[ _Just landed. Try and keep Sousuke from killing the guy tonight if you can._ ]

[ _that’s, uh, gonna be a little difficult. i don’t know where he is rn and he’s not answering his phone._ ]

Before Rin knows it, his phone rings, and the surprise nearly makes him drop his phone. He knew that revelation of his would cause Sei to call instead, to properly express his reaction. Rin quickly makes his way outside of the club so he can actually hear what Sei is saying.

“ _How’d you get separated?_ ” Sei asks, sounding borderline bewildered.

Rin sighs. “He went off to make a phone call, and I went inside this bar to look for Minami.”

“ _Who the hell is so important that Sousuke would call them now? Isn’t it a little bit fishy to you?_ ”

He can’t mention the fact that Aki is the reason why they’re in Tokyo in the first place, and not looking blindly all over Japan. Sei would get absolutely furious, and the others would know within a heartbeat. Rin hasn’t seen Aki since the funeral, so he doesn’t feel like he has the right to judge her. She was closer to Haruka than even he and Makoto were, but Rin also knows by now that grief affects people very differently.

“I don’t know, a little, probably,” he says uselessly.

“ _Alright, it’s fine. No point in arguing about this. He’ll probably return to your hotel tonight, so I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll text you where to meet up_.”

Rin puts his phone back into his pocket, not feeling all that much better about the whole situation. Even though he doesn’t know where Sousuke is, he knows Sousuke is shit at finding his way around, and like Sei said, he’ll definitely return to the hotel when he’s tired of running around in circles. For now, Rin focuses on trying to find Minami where he’s at, and if he doesn’t have any luck, he’ll go back to the hotel.

For the most part, it seems that Minami’s certainly made himself somewhat infamous around these parts. It’s strangely impressive, considering it’s only been a year since he fled Tottori, and Rin assumes Minami’s probably been elsewhere before coming to Tokyo. It’s quite a distance to cover between Iwatobi and Tokyo if you’re running away from an impending punishment for murder.

It hits Rin that maybe Minami’s gotten himself a new identity and changed his appearance. It wouldn’t be all that surprising considering everything, but Rin hopes that Minami wasn’t that smart to consider such a thing. That would make this whole thing a lot more difficult for Sousuke. Rin doesn’t know how he’d feel if it would come down to them having to give up on trying to find Minami. Haruka was one of his best friends since childhood, and his death definitely changed Rin as a person, impacted his life in the worst way possible. Rin definitely wants Haruka’s murderer to get the worst possible punishment, but he also doesn’t want one of his other best friends to get in trouble because of it.

When the air starts getting stuffy and the music is way too loud, Rin exits the bar to get some fresh air. He calls Sousuke, who seemingly never entered the bar in the first place, but Sousuke doesn’t answer his phone. At least it’s still on, but Rin starts getting worried. What if Sousuke found out where Minami is through Aki? He’s bound to have gotten pretty far away in the amount of time Rin and Sousuke have been separated.

“Hey.”

Rin spins around, his heart skipping a beat at the sound of an unknown female voice calling for his attention. She’s more properly dressed than most other women around here, and it makes Rin realise she isn’t there for the same reasons as they are. He just wonders _why_ she’s there, in that case. This part of Roppongi seems to be where sex workers and their clients roam about, and it certainly isn’t all that friendly to outsiders.

“Yes?” he says.

“Heard you were looking for Kazuki.”

Rin narrows his eyes at the mention of Minami. He tries to recall if he ever used Minami’s first name with anyone he talked to inside the bar, but he doesn’t think he did. This woman definitely overheard his conversation with Sei; there’s no other way she would’ve heard him talk to someone inside the bar.

“I am, yeah. Do you know him?”

“Is it true?”

“What?” Rin asks.

She looks to their sides, and Rin can’t help but glance both left and right, as well. Still no sign of Sousuke.

“Is it true that he killed someone? I heard your friend on the phone earlier.”

“Do you know where he went?”

“Is it true?” she asks again, and Rin’s confusion only grows. Who _is_ she?

“Yes,” he replies. “He killed my best friend.”

The woman holds his gaze for a moment, as if trying to check just how trustworthy Rin is. It makes him annoyed, thinking it really should be the other way around when she’s the one who approached him with these questions.

“I know where he is,” she says, and Rin’s heart stops. “Give me your phone.”

Dumbfounded, Rin can only do as she tells him to. She types away on his phone briefly, and then hands it back.

“That’s where Kazuki works. He works nights, but you’re better off going there tomorrow since he’s not there tonight.”

Rin looks down at the address written down in a message draft on his phone, and recognises that it’s quite far away from where he is right now. He looks up again at the stranger woman, and she nods at him.

“Why’re you doing this?” he asks. “How do I know what your intentions are?”

She sighs, seeming impatient. “Look, he’s a dickhead who most of us can do without. Your friend had better hurry, because my boyfriend wants Kazuki dead, too.”

It still doesn’t exactly explain why a stranger would give this information to Rin, but he’s willing to take it since he and Sousuke obviously don’t have any other leads. Maybe Aki’s already found out and given Sousuke the same information, Rin doesn’t know. For now, he hopes for the best and returns to the hotel so that they can deal with this tomorrow instead.

Sousuke isn’t in the hotel room when Rin returns. He’s too mentally exhausted to really care, so he instead decides to just go to bed. There’s a very small risk of Sousuke actually finding Minami tonight considering neither of them know where the guy lives, and Minami doesn’t work until tomorrow night. Rin knows Sousuke can handle himself, and even though Sousuke’s apparently really eager to tempt fate, he’ll survive their trip to Tokyo.

* * *

Sousuke doesn’t return until the next evening, almost a full day after he and Rin had last seen each other. Rin is in the bathroom just having finished up when the door opens, so he steps out into the room again to greet Sousuke, who obviously hasn’t slept at all in the time he’s been gone.

Meanwhile, Rin met up with Sei and hung out for a while, both having lunch and walking around Ikebukuro. Despite the worry gnawing at him from the inside, Rin tried his best to at least have a little fun while he’s still in the capital, and thankfully, Sei is the perfect person to make Rin forget most of his worries and enjoy what’s going on right then and there.

But now he’s been back for a little while, it’s just starting to get dark, and Sousuke is back. Rin tries not to look relieved as Sousuke walks in, but he puts a little grin on his face at least.

“Hey. You look dead.”

“Thanks, I try.”

“Oh, was that a joke? Must be the first time I’ve heard you joke in a long time.”

Sousuke gives Rin a glare that tells Rin to knock it off before he’s knocked out cold. “Not in the mood.”

“Clearly. So, did you kill him?”

Sousuke sits down on the bed, and he exhales a long sigh. Clearly, he’s exhausted, but as stubborn as Sousuke can be, Rin doesn’t expect him to even take a nap at this point. The most he’ll probably do is take a quick shower before they head out again on a fruitless hunt for Minami.

Last night when he’d gotten back, Rin had googled the bar where Minami works, and to his horror he’d fount out that Minami works right in the middle of a red-light district in Kabukicho. Infamous among tourists and Tokyo locals alike, Rin learnt more of what goes on around there when the sun has set, and he really doesn’t want to have to go there. But, of course, Rin has to go, for Sousuke’s safety. What idiotic things wouldn’t Rin do in order to keep his best friend safe?

“What?”

“That was the plan, wasn’t it? And not the lie you told me about how you just want to talk to Minami.”

Sousuke lowers his eyebrows slightly, and he averts his gaze. “Look, you don’t understand—”

“The guy killed Haruka, and you loved him. What part don’t I understand? It’s really not that difficult to figure out.”

“What made you come here?”

“You think I _want_ to be here? I run the risk of getting my ass killed every second we go to one of these places Aki has told you to look for Minami in. I could be home, safe, in Iwatobi instead of doing this.”

“Then go home.”

“That’s not the point,” Rin says. Sousuke looks at him again, almost glares, and Rin holds that gaze. He knows he’s really pushing things, and while it’ll definitely be detrimental to his friendship with Sousuke, it’s what has to be done in order to prevent Sousuke from getting killed, or jailed for killing someone who escaped his punishment for murder.

Sousuke looks back at Rin for what feels like minutes. Rin has no idea what Sousuke is thinking right now, and considering Sousuke most definitely hasn’t slept, sleep should be the first thing on his list of priorities, even above killing Minami.

“I didn’t find him.”

“Okay. Then let’s just go home and pretend like this never happened.”

“I’m not gonna do that.”

“Oh, yeah? Then what’re you gonna do?” Rin asks. “Stay in Tokyo, build your life back up again, or down—whichever you prefer—and generally not move forward with your life?”

When Sousuke doesn’t answer, Rin sighs. “You know what, fine. If I tell you where he is, will you promise not to kill him?”

Sousuke gets up from the bed, and stops just a step away from Rin. “Huh?”

“The bar we were at last night. Some woman came up to me, told me she knows where he is. Apparently, she and him—”

“Where is he?” Sousuke interrupts—voice calm, facial expressions still unreadable. Rin finds him incredibly intimidating right now, already feeling his heartrate go up slightly.

“Do you promise not to do anything?”

Sousuke narrows his eyes, and makes himself look, impossibly, more intimidating. Rin lifts his hands up in a surrendering motion, and he proceeds to pull a little note out from his back pocket with an address he’d written down the night before, just before going to bed. “Here.”

Without a word, Sousuke takes said note from Rin, and then he’s out the door again. Rin gives him a few seconds to properly get out of earshot, and then he takes out his phone to call Sei.

“ _Seijuurou speaking._ ”

“Hey,” Rin says. “Sousuke came back not that long ago.”

“ _Ah, Rin, hey. Good thing he didn’t get himself killed, I suppose_.”

Rin snorts. “Not likely, since he has no idea where Minami is. He just left again; he’s on his way to the location I wrote down yesterday.”

“ _Good, good. You going after Minami now, then?_ ”

“Not that I particularly want to go to the most dangerous part of Tokyo, but yes.”

“ _Just remember to stay alert about your surroundings, and move among groups of people if you can._ ”

Rin can’t help but laugh humourlessly. “Easier said than done; none of us have even been there before. Obviously.”

“ _I know_ ,” Sei replies. “ _Give Minami my business card, and hopefully he’ll take me up on the offer. If he’s smart, he will_.”

“You think too highly of him.”

“ _Even though he was on my team once, the second he let anger cloud his judgment and he ended up killing Haruka, all of the respect I had for him flew out the window._ ”

Rin scoffs. “Any sane person would say the same.”

“ _I suppose so. I’ll head on over to meet Sousuke, you go take care of Minami. Good luck_.”

“Likewise. Talk to you soon.”

They hang up, and Rin takes a deep breath to prepare himself for what he’ll possibly find in Kabukicho. He knows it’s useless to worry about things he doesn’t know anything about, but he also has to be aware of the risks in going to a place such as Kabukicho. With most establishments owned by yakuza, there’s bound to be all sorts of people roaming about at night. Couldn’t Minami had worked day shifts instead?!

He calls for a taxi, and is almost hesitant to tell the driver where he wants to go. Unsurprisingly, the taxi driver gives him an odd look, but Rin hopes he doesn’t come off as someone who would hang around those parts. He’d be willing to be mistaken for an innocent tourist who’d been told to go to Kabukicho for the shops and entertainment around the area.

The only ‘entertainment’ Rin is going to find there is adult-oriented, and he knows Makoto would go crazy if he knew. Good thing Makoto _doesn’t_ know where he’s headed.

* * *

As expected, Kabukicho looks flashy and cool on the outside, but the further down the streets Rin walks, the more of the suburb’s ‘true side’ he gets to see. He sees love hotels, soap land businesses, bars and pubs, and pachinko parlours litter the streets, and all sorts of people visiting these places. It’s scary to think that just about any person could go here, anyone from a high-ranking official to alcoholics and substance abusers—you would never know because they don’t show it on the outside.

Rin heads on over to the bar where the stranger woman had directed him towards. He tries to keep a level head an a steady pulse as he walks inside, pretending like he knows exactly what he’s doing and where he is. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to be attracting suspicious glances his way, so he must be doing fine so far.

The bar is dimly lit and has dark décor to obviously create some kind of creepy atmosphere. Had it been literally anywhere else, Rin would have assumed this was done for Halloween, but it’s not anywhere close to Halloween yet, and this definitely goes on all year round. There’s a few patrons sitting on stools by the bar; one of them is arguing with the bartender, and the bartender—

The bartender is Minami. Rin’s heart stops briefly when he sees his former teammate behind the counter, mostly changed but still recognisable. He’s gotten a few tattoos over his arms, has an eyebrow piercing and has one side of his head shaved. If it wasn’t Minami and if the circumstances had been different, Rin would’ve laughed loudly at the sight of someone who ticks so many boxes of a certain stereotype.

But Rin doesn’t laugh. Instead, he feels himself freeze up, but he immediately thinks to himself that he has to do this, that he can’t screw up and that he can’t stand and look like he’s just gotten hit by lightning.

Though it certainly feels like he has.

Rin forces himself to keep walking up towards the bar. Someone walks past him with long strides, grabbing the rowdy person at the bar by his jacket. Rin recognises the person as one of the bouncers. Said bouncer yells at the drunk guy to ‘get the fuck out’, which he didn’t really have to do as he drags the guy out of the bar, anyway.

With a stool now free, Rin sits down, and tries not to stare a hole into the side of Minami’s head. Instead, he looks at the many bottles of spirits lined up on the shelves, the blackboard listing beers and the prices. He’s not here to drink, he’s here for something, _someone_ else, but Rin has to look like he’s there for the same reason everyone else is.

“What the fuck are _you_ doing here?”

Rin turns his attention to Minami, now looking right at him. He lifts a hand in a lazy greeting.

“Here to save you from getting killed.”

In the corner of his eye, Rin sees the guy next to him stare at Rin like he just confessed a heinous crime. Minami, however, looks at Rin like he’s just fallen through the roof down onto the stool he’s sitting.

“Save me? From who?” Minami asks, laughing mockingly.

Rin sighs. “Sousuke’s out looking for you.”

Immediately, almost as if someone flipped a switch, Minami’s sarcastic expression is wiped off his face, and he looks almost like Sousuke had done earlier, before Rin had handed him the note with the fake address. It’s a very good thing Minami didn’t have anything in either of his hands at the moment Rin told him about Sousuke, because there could’ve definitely been an accident with shattered glass or something similar.

“Did you let him know where I am?”

“Thought about it, but I decided against it. I gave him a fake address to which he’s headed right now.”

“Good. Then I’ve nothing to worry about.”

Now, Rin is brave enough to snort. “Maybe not now, but Sousuke won’t stop looking, you know. He’s been at this for a year now.”

Minami raises an eyebrow. “So, what do you want me to do? Run away?”

“Haven’t you done enough of that? How about turning yourself in?”

“Now there’s an idea,” Minami says, and he laughs again. “No, I’m not gonna do that.”

Normally, them talking so openly about this wouldn’t go unnoticed by the people around them, and an outsider would’ve definitely said something by this point. But this is a shady bar in the very shady suburb of Kabukicho, where anything and everything can happen and _does_ happen. People are probably used to conversations like these, and it’s likely they treat it like as if Rin and Minami are just talking about what they read in the newspaper this morning.

“So what? You’re just gonna keep running and let Sousuke chase you until, best case scenario, the end of your lives?”

Minami shrugs. “Until I’m tired of running, yeah.”

Rin slides forth Sei’s business card. “You should call Sei, let him help you out.”

“Mikoshiba?” Minami asks. “The hell’s he up to?”

“He’s a lawyer, and he already knows I’m here to talk to you. He’s agreed to help you.”

Minami regards Rin for a moment. He completely ignores a new customer to Rin’s right who wants to order, so another bartender walks over instead to take care of it. Rin knows Minami is going to say no, that he’s not going to do as he says—but only if Rin acts like himself. Instead, he tries to think of how Kisumi would handle the situation. Kisumi could make anyone agree to whatever he wants them to do with little effort, and he’s revealed some of his tricks to Rin over the past few years.

Maybe, just maybe, Rin could make it work on Minami. It’ll be a tough first try, that’s for sure, but Rin really has no other ace up his sleeve.

“Why are you helping me?”

“Because I don’t want Sousuke to get in trouble for kicking your ass or killing you.”

“Sweet of you. Well, I’ve heard your offer, and I’m turning it down.”

Rin shrugs. “Fine. You know, I was trying to be nice, even though you killed my best friend. But now that I think more about it, maybe you deserve it. I can’t keep Sousuke from chasing you down, but maybe I’ll have Sei help Sousuke get out of trouble for killing you instead.”

He gets up from his stool and leaves the bar, trying not to have his legs tremble on his way out. Reversed psychology is an old trick Rin never really understood until Kisumi told him _how_ to do it and in which situations it works the best. Rin knows Minami doesn’t want to die; he would’ve killed himself a long time ago if he’d been consumed by the guilt of killing someone he used to love. Obviously, that didn’t seem to affect him in the way it would most others, so he must have another reason to want to keep living. That’s why Rin is fairly certain Minami is going to change his mind and actually use the information on Sei’s business card, left on the countertop inside the bar.

As Rin leaves the bar, he calls for another taxi to take him back to the hotel. Luckily, he didn’t have to spend too much time in Kabukicho, and it went a lot better than he’d first expected it to. He made it out alive, and he’s planted the seeds of persuasion in Minami to make him contact Sei. Hopefully it goes the way Rin wants it to, mostly because he just wants all of this to be over, but also because he really hates having gotten himself involved with this in the first place.

Like earlier, Rin is the first one back at their hotel room. He knows he might as well wait until Sousuke comes back, both because it won’t be long before he _is_ back, and also because Rin doesn’t want to risk getting strangled in his sleep by Sousuke who just got betrayed by his best friend. Rin also knows it’d be impossible for him to fall asleep when he’s worried about their impending argument over this.

Instead of just sitting around and waiting, Rin decides to call Makoto. He knows it’s late, but Makoto’s always been a night owl and is probably not asleep though he’s working tomorrow. Since they got together, however, Makoto started slowly adjusting his sleep schedule to match Rin’s, but Rin knows Makoto will stay up longer if he isn’t around.

“ _Rin! I’ve been so worried!_ ”

Rin winces at the loud volume greeting him, but he knows he deserves it. “Hey, Makoto,” he says sheepishly. “I can’t explain everything now, because that would take a while. All I’ll say for now is that Sousuke and I are in Tokyo, we’re fine, and we’re most likely heading home tomorrow.”

“ _Tokyo? Wow, that’s far. Well, I’m glad you called, finally; I’ve been worrying sick. Kinda difficult to sleep when I don’t know what you’re up to._ ”

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just wanted to call and let you know I’m fine. Miss you.”

Makoto huffs, and Rin smiles when he hears the smile in Makoto’s voice. “ _I miss you, too. See you soon, okay?_ ”

“Promise.”

Rin feels guilty for keeping the call short, but he doesn’t want to risk Sousuke walking in on him talking to Makoto, because that will not only initiate their impending argument sooner, but probably also worsen it. Sousuke would most likely think Rin would tell Makoto anything and everything right then and there on the phone. Sousuke would mostly be right, of course, but not entirely this time, since Rin knows it’s only a matter of time before Sousuke comes back.

His mind wanders to Aki instead, and Rin wonders where she is, what she’s doing these days. He hasn’t seen her since the funeral, which she actually attended unlike Sousuke, and considering how Sousuke changed in a year, Rin expects a similar thing to have happened to Aki. Death _would_ change a person; Rin can’t really say he’s changed all that much, but people around him might very well disagree. He still thinks about Haruka a lot, and even though he tries to force the happy memories to the surface, sometimes it can’t be helped that he thinks of the night he and the others received the news of Haruka’s death.

Haruka’s passing also made Rin realise just how big of an influence Haruka had on their entire group. That isn’t to say Rin didn’t value Haruka’s presence or anything like that, but he could’ve never imagined just how, and how _much_ , it would affect them if one of them passed away. The whole thing sheds light on the fact that life can be short, that it’s unpredictable, and that things really shouldn’t be taken for granted. Because before you know it, it might be gone.

Rin’s thoughts are interrupted when the door to the hotel room opens, and he nearly jumps out of his skin. Sousuke walks in, and the way he softly closes the door behind him makes his heartrate skyrocket. He inhales slowly, and prepares himself for the worst fight of his life.


	7. the reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke sees the result of Rin's betrayal. He also gets a very weird 'gift' that requires him to show restraint.

The second Sousuke forced open the door to the room that Rin had directed him towards, he knew Rin had lied to him. Seeing Sei stand inside said room made Sousuke wonder briefly if it was a bad dream. It only got worse when Sei revealed that he and Rin had worked together to protect Minami. Fucking _protect_ him. Now, every single piece of information Aki had compiled in her folder, everything else she found out after the fact—all of it is rendered obsolete because these two had to barge in and ruin everything.

Sei keeps trying to talk to Sousuke on the way back to the hotel in the taxi, but Sousuke isn’t keen on making conversation with this man ever again. Not him, not Rin, not anyone else in Iwatobi, for that matter. All they do is meddle, they force themselves into his life, they try to change who he is as a person. The thing Sousuke hates the most about this is that he allowed it to happen. If only he’d refused letting Rin come with him to Tokyo, things would’ve been so much different.

“I’ll see you in Iwatobi,” Sei says. “Trust me, this was for your own good. Not his, _yours_.” Sousuke can’t even bring himself to scoff in response, but Sei continues, anyway. “One day, I’m sure you’ll get that.”

He exits the taxi Sei insisted on paying for, and then he heads back into the hotel towards his room. Rin is still up by the time he enters, but Sousuke doesn’t even dignify Rin with a look his way. Instead, Sousuke heads off to bed without another word, and falls asleep not too long thereafter.

Had he been petty enough, Sousuke would’ve kicked Rin out of the room with the excuse that it’s, in fact, _his_ room to begin with, and now Rin has wasted his chance to stay in it. That takes too much effort, however, so Sousuke just lets it slide. One thing’s for sure, he definitely isn’t travelling back to Iwatobi with Rin as his uninvited company.

When he wakes up the next morning, Rin seems to have taken the hint and left earlier. Sousuke then allows himself to take a little time to gather his things, eat breakfast and then head towards the airport where he’s confident he won’t run into ‘Brutus’ before boarding his flight. Before he does board his flight, though, Sousuke makes a call to Aki he’s been dreading since the night before when he realised he wasn’t going to be able to do what he came all the way to Tokyo for.

“ _Sousuke?_ ”

“Hey,” he says. “Listen, I’ve… got bad news.”

“ _… What did you do?_ ”

Sousuke drags a hand down his face, sighing. “Okay. Remember how Rin invited himself to tag along? He put a stop to everything last night with the fucking help of Sei.”

“ _What do you mean they ‘put a stop to everything’? Where the fuck is Minami, Sousuke?_ ”

“I don’t know,” he snaps. “They told him to run again. Now I’ve got no idea where he’s headed—for all we know, he could be headed to South Korea, or literally anywhere else in the world.”

The whole thing just makes him so angry he’s nauseous, and he doesn’t dare think about how Aki must feel. She spent so much time and effort into making sure they’d catch and kill Minami for what he did to Haruka. It took a long time to compile all of the information Aki gave Sousuke, and now he’s basically thrown all of her efforts away by allowing Rin to come with him to Tokyo. Now, they have no idea where Minami is, and they basically have to start over trying to find out where he could’ve gone, and where he could be headed next.

Because one thing’s for sure: now that Minami knows for sure that Sousuke is breathing down his neck, he won’t stop running. He’ll keep being on the move, and that’ll make it more difficult to track him down.

“ _What did they say to you?_ ”

“Who?”

“ _Rin and Sei, dumbass, keep up_.”

Sousuke winces at her biting tone and impatience, though he definitely understands and deserves it. “The only thing Sei told me was that this is for my own good. Not his.”

Aki snorts. “ _Bullshit, of course_ — _what else did I expect?_ ” She lets out a long sigh. “ _Well, there’s nothing else to do but start over. I’ll see what I can do._ ”

“Tell me if you need—”

“ _I’ll call you when I’ve found the fucker_ ,” Aki interrupts curtly. “ _I don’t trust you to help find out where he’s at; you should be real fucking glad I’m letting you have another go at killing him. But you know the drill_.”

Sousuke briefly closes his eyes. “Don’t let anyone know.”

“ _Good boy_.”

Aki hangs up, and Sousuke heads for the baggage check. He doesn’t know how long he’ll be back in Iwatobi before Aki contacts him again, but he doesn’t expect it to be anytime soon. The worst thing about it is that anything can happen in the time he spends doing absolutely nothing of worth while waiting for Aki to find out where Minami’s run off to. Minami could travel halfway across the world to a country where it’ll be even more difficult to find him. Sousuke doesn’t even want to think about how he’ll manage navigating a foreign city like he did Tokyo.

One short flight later, Sousuke finds himself back at the airport outside Iwatobi, and he’s never been so glad to see his car before. He hates to admit that it now feels a little strange to drive back home without someone in the passenger seat, because whenever he’s driven longer distances recently, a Matsuoka has sat beside him. Things are constantly changing, suddenly, and it’s a little discombobulating, but Sousuke will manage. He’s managed for the better part of a year, so he’ll do just fine now, too.

Coming back to the apartment feels good but strange. It’s good in the sense that Sousuke just really wants to be home again, but it’s also strange considering these last few, very eventful, days. The worst thing about this whole thing is that he now has to go back to trying to live a normal life again, all while knowing a murderer is still walking free who knows where. Sousuke hasn’t even started his new job yet, so that’s definitely going to be interesting. It’s funny, because Sousuke doesn’t remember what it’s like to live a normal life now that he’s spent an entire year doing something completely different. Now he’s living in an actual apartment, has a decent job with decent pay, and his friends have barged their way back into his life. Readjusting to that is going to be tough, but now that he’s come all this way, he knows he can’t turn back.

Work orientation starts Monday, and Sousuke learns his way around fairly quickly as the week goes on. The menu is thankfully not all that intricate, so he’s not all that worried about starting to cook for customers soon. He meets his new co-workers, makes their acquaintance. The atmosphere is easy-going, relaxing, but despite that, Sousuke still manages to keep his mind distracted all day at work. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea, after all.

He also learns to love cooking more, as one probably should’ve expected. Sousuke obviously cooks for himself most of the time, which isn’t as fun as it is to cook for others. It’s fun to cook for people even if they’re strangers he doesn’t see, because he spends all day in the kitchen, and not out in the restaurants like the waiting staff and the hostess responsible for seating guests.

Gou and Makoto come over to visit a few times. Rin calls, but Sousuke doesn’t answer. There are also unread text messages from Rin that Sousuke doesn’t open. On a rare occasion, Sousuke hangs out with Kisumi at his place, per Kisumi’s request—but Sousuke finds that he doesn’t mind. It’s nice, they get to know each other again slowly but surely like Sousuke’s been doing with the others for a while. Things are, however, completely silent on Sei’s end, which Sousuke is absolutely fine with.

Things go well at work, and time passes. Before he notices it himself, Sousuke’s already worked at the restaurant for a few weeks, and he has yet to grow tired of it. In fact, his interest in cooking keeps growing, which is a welcome surprise. He learns new techniques, his plating skills improve—which his boss particularly likes—and he’s gotten a few compliments regarding the food, relayed to him from guests via the waiting staff.

“ _Thanks for lunch, by the way; it was great as usual_.”

Sousuke briefly lowers his eyebrows in confusion before he realises. “What’d you order?”

Makoto laughs. “ _The arrabbiata. Shame you barely get time to come out and see the people ordering your food._ ”

“You were one of the few to order that pasta today, glad you liked it. I like the anonymity of not getting to show my face to the restaurant’s guests.”

“ _I bet you do._ ”

When he’s at a stoplight, Sousuke leans his head back against the headrest briefly. He’s had a hectic lunch shift and now he’s really looking forward to a nap rather than going to sleep early. If he does, he knows he’ll just end up waking up way too early and ruin his sleep schedule, so a nap will have to suffice.

“So anyway,” he says, quickly readjusting his in-ear headphone. “How’s your day been?”

“ _Oh, the usual. Fairly… uneventful. But it’s nice_.”

“Nice every once in a while to not have to bust your ass all day, yeah; I can imagine.”

“ _I wouldn’t put it that way,_ ” Makoto says, and Sousuke can tell he’s trying to sound serious bordering on scolding, but he’s failing spectacularly.

“I know. Well, who knows, maybe—”

A car drives by his left side, and by chance, Sousuke looks in its direction. He locks eyes with Seijuurou briefly, and then notices the passenger.

 _Minami_. In Sei’s car.

“Makoto, I have to go,” Sousuke says. His voice comes out stilted, robotic, and he doesn’t even think about waiting for Makoto’s response before he hangs up their phone call. Sei’s side gets a green light first, so they disappear faster than Sousuke had the chance to register what he’d just witnessed.

Suddenly, the entire end to his stay in Tokyo makes sense. Rin’s behaviour and Sei being able to pinpoint where Sousuke would go. Rin must’ve been in near-constant contact with Sei when he and Sousuke were in Tokyo, orchestrating this big fucking bluff Sousuke would fall for.

As soon as he gets a green light, Sousuke nearly stomps his gas pedal and drives in the same direction Sei had gone in. Sei’s car is nowhere to be seen despite the fact that it’s been mere seconds since they turned onto this road, and it all starts feeling like a bad dream. Sousuke wonders if he imagined the people sitting in that car were Sei and Minami, just because it’d be convenient. Minami in Iwatobi is too good to be true, not just for Sousuke but for Aki, as well.

Did he imagine it?

Sousuke keeps driving while calling Aki. He almost doesn’t want to just in case this turns out to be his mind playing tricks on him… but that can’t be the case. His weird dreams and nightmares are one thing, but seeing things whilst mostly wide awake and in broad daylight? It has to be true. How would it be, though? How the hell would this happen?

“ _Yes, Sousuke?_ ”

“He’s here,” Sousuke says, and he realises he sounds almost out of breath. “In Iwatobi.”

Aki’s brief silence nearly drives Sousuke up the wall, because he doesn’t know how to interpret it. Only a few seconds pass, but they feel like hours. “ _Are you sure?_ ”

He laughs dryly. “Unless I’ve completely lost my mind and just imagined seeing him sitting in Sei’s car, then yes, I’m sure.”

“ _Sei?_ ” She falls silent again, thankfully it’s another brief pause. “ _Fuck. He’s a lawyer, right?_ ”

 _Trust me, this was for your own good. Not his, yours_.

Sousuke’s heart skips a beat. “He’s turned to Sei for help. Fucker’s trying to take the easiest way out.”

“ _Don’t go after him now_ ,” Aki says quickly, as if she’s expecting Sousuke to drive around Iwatobi and look for wherever the hell Sei lives. “ _It’s probably like you said. And if so, he’s not gonna run away again. Now, why he’s finally decided to turn to a lawyer is beyond me, but there has to be a reason behind it. Just… wait. I’ll try and figure something out. Whatever you do, don’t follow. It’ll only get you in trouble_.”

Sousuke snorts, offended. “So what, I’m just gonna sit around and do fucking nothing?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Aki snaps. “ _That’s exactly what I need you to do. Don’t raise suspicion. You need to let the others think you’ve given up on this now that the whole Tokyo thing went to shit._ ”

Every ounce of energy gets sapped out of Sousuke so fast he hardly has the time to think about it. He feels like whatever deities are up there are looking down at him; spitting at him, laughing, mocking him—ever since the day Haruka died. He’s spent so much time trying to track down Minami, training to get himself strong enough to make sure their fight would be the last Sousuke would ever have to see of the guy. An entire year has passed and then some, and every day has brought a different kind of setback or struggle.

And now that he’s so close, all he can do is _wait_.

“Fine,” he sighs irritably. “Call me as—”

” — _soon as I know anything. Yes._ ”

Aki hangs up in his ear, and Sousuke yanks his in-ear headphone out of his ear with another sigh. He drives back home, but doesn’t stick around for too long. Instead of just staying at home and pacing around his apartment like an idiot, Sousuke get changed and heads out again for a run around the park. Adrenaline is still pumping through his veins and his pulse is thundering in his ears, so Sousuke figures it’s best to try and think of something else and try to calm down. It definitely won’t be easy, but he knows Aki is right in the fact that it’ll only be detrimental to their whole plan if Sousuke goes out looking for Minami now that he’s in Sei’s protection.

It makes Sousuke feel sick to his stomach to think about Minami reaching out to one of his closest friends, or at least what _used_ to be a close friend, for help. Is Minami making fun of him, is that why he’s gotten so close? Iwatobi isn’t big, so Minami probably knows it’d be easy for Sousuke to find him, but then that probably also means Minami knows Sousuke _can’t_ hunt him down. How much does Minami know? Obviously, Sei and Rin have told him things because they’ve been in contact with Minami since Tokyo, so Minami probably knows everything Rin managed to find out. Rin was, after all, the one who found Minami in Tokyo.

Sousuke shakes his head, trying to rid himself of these thoughts for now. It won’t do him any good until he’s allowed to take action. For now, he’ll begrudgingly just have to follow Aki’s advice.

* * *

“Little bit to the left… almost… okay, that’s good.”

“Don’t nail me to the wall, please.”

Sousuke snorts. There's a dirty joke just asking to be made here, really—a perfect opportunity. But, Sousuke passes it up in favour of god knows what. Their friendship, maybe. “Now, why would I do that?”

“I don’t know how good you are with tools!” Kisumi protests. “Speaking of, have you put anything up in your apartment yet?”

“… Besides, like, furniture?”

Kisumi laughs dryly. “That’s exactly what I meant, yes.”

“Does an orchid in my kitchen window count?”

“Wait, you have an orchid?”

Sousuke raises his eyebrows slightly to himself as he carefully but properly hammers the nail into the wall where Kisumi’s framed painting is going to sit. “A moving-in-gift from Makoto.”

“Of course; I’d be surprised if you said you’d bought it yourself.”

“Then maybe I should’ve said that I did.”

Kisumi huffs. “Nah, I wouldn’t have believed you.”

“For god’s sake, Kisumi.”

Sousuke had gotten a call from Kisumi earlier that morning about coming over to help get some stuff organised around Kisumi’s still unfinished apartment. He doesn’t have much left, though, but he definitely has a lot more things around his place than Sousuke does, so that explains why Sousuke’s been moved in and done for weeks now.

He’s also gotten calls from Rin every now and then, still, but Sousuke still won’t answer those calls. Sousuke sees Gou every now and then, but thankfully she’s smart enough to not bring up Rin and the whole thing about Tokyo. Now that Rin knows, everyone else most certainly does, too; he doesn’t have to ask to know that.

“So…” Kisumi says hesitantly, and Sousuke briefly closes his eyes. “How was Tokyo?”

“Fine,” Sousuke replies.

“It’s a nice city. Little bit too big for me, though. Kinda why I moved back.”

Sousuke hums. “Right, you lived in Tokyo.”

“I did. Thought it was gonna be easier to find a job there, which it kind of was, but it’s… still easier to work in smaller towns.”

“I can imagine.”

Sousuke hears a soft laugh behind him. “I’m just glad you came back safely.”

“Yeah.”

Surprisingly, Kisumi leaves it there. It’s clear he wanted to know more, but Sousuke’s glad he didn’t pry. Somehow, Sousuke doesn’t really mind that Kisumi knows, strangely enough, mostly because of how that short conversation went. In a way, Rin handles it all better than Sousuke had expected—the Rin whom Sousuke knows would’ve normally come over to his apartment, barged in, and refused to leave until he got what he wanted out of their argument. Maybe Rin has changed in that regard, too.

Sousuke and Kisumi continue organising things around Kisumi’s apartment, and then they go out for lunch which Kisumi insists on paying for as thanks for the help. Even though it’s a day off, Sousuke’s glad to have gotten to take his mind off things for a bit by staying busy. It’s been pretty nice to slowly see Kisumi’s apartment transform into something that better suits his personality. Comparing Sousuke’s apartment to Kisumi’s would be very unfair because it would just make Sousuke’s look like the little room he had at the bar in Hyogo, when really it’s a lot better than that. At least he has his own bathroom again.

“You know, we should do this again sometime soon.”

Sousuke raises an eyebrow, amused. “What, decorate your apartment?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Kisumi pouts. “I meant we should hang out more often. Now that we’re both back in town and all.”

“Sure, that’s a good idea.”

Kisumi laughs. “You know, I’d definitely volunteer to help get _your_ place together and a little more decorated. I’ve seen your apartment, and I know it needs some improvements.”

“You didn’t even know I have an orchid, what do _you_ know?”

“I know enough to say, with confidence, that’s the only decorative thing you have in your apartment.”

Sousuke huffs a sarcastic laugh. “I prefer it that way. Decorations are impractical.”

“That’s what they’re _for_ ,” Kisumi replies and rolls his eyes. “They’re there to spruce up your surroundings and make it look a little bit more colourful.”

“I still don’t want any of it in my apartment.”

Kisumi sighs, shaking his head. “Fine.”

It feels weird coming back to his own apartment where the colours are more muted and it’s a lot more bare. It feels like someone turned off the music Sousuke hadn’t noticed was playing up until now. Strange. Maybe Kisumi is right, maybe Sousuke does need a little bit more colour around his place, after all. A few decorative furniture pieces to lessen the echo that somehow exists in an apartment that really isn’t that big.

Sousuke prefers being alone. It’s quiet, he can focus better, he’s able to do whatever he wants to do. Now back in Iwatobi, he prefers solitude more than ever, because it’s all been very overwhelming, having them all back in his life. Despite that, Sousuke would be lying if he said it was all a nuisance to have his friends come back.

In some ways, it’s comforting knowing they, for the most part, haven’t changed much. Gou cut her hair, Makoto lets a swear slip every once in a while without apologising for it. Rin is still the same fiery hothead he used to be, but in a different way, and maybe a little bit more mature. Kisumi is mostly the same, but he’s changed in such a subtle way Sousuke hasn’t been able to put a finger on it yet.

Aki… is Aki. Sousuke is the only one who’s seen her recently because she wants to keep it that way, but Sousuke may have just caught whatever virus or condition that his friends have, because he almost wants to intervene and get her back on the right track. He knows it isn’t within his right to do so, but what he wants and should do are completely different things. It would be foolish of anyone to think she can come around on her own, because she won’t. Someone will have to bring her back, and that’ll have to be Sousuke. All he knows that now isn’t the time because she definitely isn’t ready.

* * *

A new week begins, and so, work resumes. Some days are a lot busier than others, and Sousuke finds he doesn’t mind it all that much. It’s actually nice, and he still feels like there’s enough happening around him that prevents him from getting bored and thinking of getting another job.

All of the waiting Sousuke has to do while attempting to maintain a normal lifestyle is starting to make him restless. Work keeps him busy during the day, but then Sousuke comes back home to nothing. He sees friends on occasion, but then he comes back home to nothing, again. He wonders if Minami is still in Iwatobi, if Sei sent him off somewhere else where finding him would prove to be more difficult than Tokyo was. At this point, Sousuke has no idea.

At this point, Sousuke has had enough of waiting around for nothing to happen.

For once, Sousuke doesn’t tell Aki. Instead, he drives downtown, and starts going to every single motel and hotel he can see. If Minami is in Iwatobi, he’s most definitely staying at one of these places. There’s no way Sei would let a criminal stay with him, despite their past friendship, despite the fact that Sei might’ve become Minami’s defender or something like that. If that were the case, that’s all the more reason why Sei wouldn’t let Minami stay with him.

“No one registered here by that name,” a bored-looking guy covered in tattoos tells Sousuke. Without thanking the man, Sousuke exits the motel, and drives towards the next. As he stops at another motel, he picks up his phone to keep track of time, and notices he has two missed calls from Sei, of all people.

“How about that,” Sousuke mumbles. He puts his phone back down and gets out of his car to head inside the reception of the next, slightly better-looking, motel closer to the beach than downtown.

As expected, this place turns out to be another bust, so Sousuke leaves and keeps looking. Now he’s got a hotel next on his list that makes geographically more sense to visit before the others, and while he doesn’t think he’ll have any luck there, he still enters through the automatic double doors and heads for the reception.

“Good afternoon. May I help you?”

Sousuke holds back a snort at the greatly different ways he’s been greeted at the places he’s visited so far. At the last motel, the bubble-gum chewing girl behind the counter barely acknowledged him with a slight nod before he asked her about Minami. Here, they’re definitely a lot more polite, not to mention well-dressed.

 _There’s no way he’s here_.

“Hey,” he begins awkwardly. “I’m, uh, I’m wondering if a man by the name Minami Kazuki lives here. I’m supposed to meet him here, but he’s yet to come down from his room.”

The man hums, lowering his eyebrows ever so slightly. “I’m sorry, sir, but we are not allowed to give you information about whether or not someone is a guest here, for security purposes.”

Sousuke swears to himself. If Minami were to stay here, he’s really lucky Sousuke isn’t allowed to find out. Funny how motels don’t seem to give a damn about that… unless they’ve just been lying to him. It’s definitely possible, but Sousuke tries to keep his paranoia at bay. Considering how the motels are operated and how they generally look in comparison to hotels like this one, Sousuke wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t care about giving out guest information.

“I see,” he says. “Thanks, I’ll just have to call him again.”

“Please do. Have a great evening.”

Sousuke can tell the receptionist is suspicious of him as he leaves, but now he doesn’t care. He’s got a few more places to knock out before he has to think of other places Minami could be hiding in. He won’t deny that he feels like this won’t give any results, but he also doesn’t want to just sit around and think this isn’t a possibility. He won’t ever know unless he tries to find out.

As he’s about to stop outside another motel, he sees a familiar car outside, and briefly closes his eyes, sighing. Now he knows why he’s got those missed calls. Sousuke prepares for yet another lecture, parks further down the street, and gets out. As soon as he gets close, the door of Sei’s car opens, and he exits to meet Sousuke outside the motel.

“Close,” he says when Sousuke approaches the entrance. “But he’s not here.”

Sousuke shrugs. “Then I’ll just keep looking.”

“Why don’t you come with me?”

“And then what?” Sousuke scoffs. “So you can take me somewhere pointless and give me a lecture?”

Sei laughs a little. “Oh, we’re beyond that.”

“Okay, so where are you taking me?”

“Come and find out, hmm?”

Sousuke narrows his eyes, but Sei isn’t budging. So, Sousuke gives in, and he hops in Sei’s car, leaving his own car behind. He’ll just demand Sei take him back later so he can take back his car in time before it gets towed.

Sei starts the car, and drives down the road back the way Sousuke came from. It’s only after a little bit that Sei turns down a different street, to a neighbourhood Sousuke hasn’t driven past at least today. It looks like many other neighbourhoods he’s seen, so he might as well have been around here before, though he doesn’t remember it.

Finally, Sei stops outside one of the motels Sousuke’s already been to. He glances at Sei without turning his head, raising his eyebrows slightly.

“I’ve already been here.”

“I know,” Sei replies. “I told ‘em not to tell anyone he’s here. But I’m letting you know now.”

Sousuke laughs humourlessly. “Is this a trick?”

“No. Room 515, that’s where I’ve put him. Told him I needed time to set up charges, so I put him here in the meantime. You should go while you still have the chance.”

“You make it sound like I want to.”

Sei lets out a sigh. “I know you don’t, but you clearly need this.”

Sousuke looks out the window, up at the doors to the different rooms. When he sees 515, his heart skips a beat. “I do.”

“I trust you. Go.”

Trust? It still sounds like he’s being tricked, but Sousuke might as well go. So far, he hasn’t done anything illegal, so it isn’t as if there’s a group of policemen waiting for him behind that door. Maybe Sei _is_ telling the truth. Sousuke won’t ever know unless he tries to find out.

So he leaves Sei’s car, walks the few stairs up to room 515. A brief moment of hesitation keeps Sousuke on the threshold, but then he lays his hand on the handle, and pushes downward. Surprisingly, the door is unlocked, so he’s free to go in. This would make him all the more suspicious of Sei and this whole thing, but then Sousuke sees Minami Kazuki sitting on a bed, as if he’s just… waiting. He obviously is, but for what? For an easy way out?

“Bet you’ve waited a long time for this,” he says, and it’s the first time Sousuke hears the voice of his boyfriend’s killer in a year. It makes him nauseous with anger.

“You have no idea.”

“Then what’re you waiting for?”

Minami’s words are like a flame travelling along a trail of fuel towards a pile of dynamite. The finishing vowel is what sets off the explosion, what makes Sousuke take two long strides forward, clench a fist, and ram it as hard as he can into Minami’s face. It hits him right on the side of his nose by the cheekbone, and the way it hits leaves a very satisfying, cracking sound.

A really bad sense of tunnel vision makes Sousuke unable to really reflect on what he’s doing for a few long seconds, and by the time he comes to, he has a broken bottle in his right hand with the broken end pointing at Minami’s throat. He’s got Minami pinned to the floor, and the idiot isn’t even resisting, he’s just… lying there. Turns out, when Sousuke looks up, that Minami’s been drinking by himself in this shitty motel room probably feeling sorry for himself, and it just makes Sousuke grin mockingly.

“Do it,” Minami whispers, but the next time he opens his mouth, he raises his voice. “Just fucking kill me! I just… want this to be over.”

That, surprisingly to Sousuke, is all it takes for him to lose all motivation to kill Minami right then and there. His grin flattens out, his lips forming a thin, straight line instead. A year later, and he’s here, they’re both here. Sousuke has all the power in his hand right now to end this once and for all. And yet… it would be too easy. Sousuke doesn’t want to give Minami the satisfaction of basically having told Sousuke what to do.

A broken nose and bruised cheekbone is not the way Sousuke had originally imagined this to end, but that’s how he’ll leave it. He sets down the bottle on the floor and gets off Minami, sitting down right next to the man who killed Sousuke’s boyfriend over a year ago. Sousuke suddenly feels empty, and it’s a strange feeling. He hates that Sei’s words about trust echo in his head, still, as if Sei is his goddamn conscience, the angel on his right shoulder whose voice overpowers that of the devil on the left.

Silence falls, and Sousuke breathes. His eyes stare out into nothing, and he feels his heartbeat slow down. For a split second, he thinks he hears Minami sob. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t—it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. It’s too late for anything to matter.

“Why did you do it?” Sousuke asks, finally, when he’s managed to compose his thoughts. “You didn’t even try to help, fuck—you just… drove off. Left us there. Left _him_ there, to die.”

“I don’t know,” Minami replies. With a groan, he slowly sits back up, leaning against the nightstand.

“You can’t say that. Not now. ‘I don’t know’ is _not_ an answer to that question.”

Sousuke still remembers it all so vividly. How a car had suddenly appeared at their side, how Minami had rolled down his window, yelling something that Sousuke couldn’t hear because of the heavy rain. He and Haruka were on their way to see Aki, but neither of them made it there. One of them didn’t survive the night.

“I got scared. I freaked the fuck out when… I just—I couldn’t stop.”

Sousuke narrows his eyes briefly, and he clenches his fist. He takes a deep breath, and unclenches it again. “So you just left him there to die.”

“I think about that night every day, Yamazaki, I really wish I could take it back. I—”

“I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. Tell me why you did it.”

Minami laughs humourlessly, quietly. “Does it matter?”

“It matters to me.”

“I don’t know. I just… I was coming after _you_. You got Haruka, I didn’t. That was tough for me to handle. I just wanted you to pull over.”

Sousuke feels numb. He’s not even sure this is actually happening; maybe this is just a dream, and when he wakes up, he has yet to find Minami. Anything could be possible at this point.

“So what?” he asks, looking up at the ceiling as his eyes start to burn. “He was just collateral damage?”

“I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. It doesn’t change anything. So if you wanna finish this… I’m not gonna fight back.”

Now, Sousuke’s absolutely sure this is happening. For the first time since he walked in through door 515 however long ago, Sousuke looks at Minami. “I’m not doing you any favours. You have to live with what you did.”

So he gets up from the floor, and exits the room while Minami is still sitting on the floor, leaning against the nightstand with a broken nose and bruised cheekbone. Sei is standing outside, still, but he’s also got two policemen as company who immediately head for Minami’s room as Sousuke leaves it. He walks up to Sei, and he doesn’t know why he does it, but Sousuke bows his head ever so slightly to his old friend.

“Sorry,” he says. “And thanks.”

“Sure. You know, it really doesn’t hurt to put your trust in your friends every once in a while.”

He knows it involves Rin, too, and Sousuke makes a mental note to try and make amends with Rin. It can’t have been easy being in his position, that’s for sure.

“Yeah,” he says. “I know.”

“Good. You hungry? Let’s go get something to eat.”

That’s probably the best thing Sousuke’s heard all week.


	8. the new problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke attempts to build his life back up again. Some things go well, some... not so much.

Sousuke’s journey back to something resembling his old self begins with Rin. A few days after Minami got his nose broken and he got taken away by the police, Sousuke finally reaches out to Rin. It takes a few moments of hesitation, but Sousuke finally manages to press the green phone button to call Rin. A few long signals go through, and then Sousuke hears a familiar voice.

“ _Yeah?_ ”

It’s obvious Rin didn’t look who called him, or he definitely wouldn’t have answered his phone that way. Sousuke swallows hard.

“Hey Rin, it’s me. Sousuke.”

Then, a moment of dead silence. It’s almost deafening. “ _Oh… Hey._ ”

“Listen, I’d hate to take all of this over the phone, are you free?”

“ _Sure, I can wriggle free, I suppose. I can come over if that’s okay with you_.”

“Is Makoto home?”

“ _He is_.”

Sousuke takes a quiet breath. _Kill two birds with one stone_. “In that case, can I come over to you guys instead? I think that’s better.”

“ _Sure. Yeah, that’s fine_.”

Thankfully, their awkward phone call doesn’t have to last that much longer. Sousuke really hates talking about things like these, but he knows he has to. This is only one of the things he has to do in order to even _attempt_ to move on. He thought holding back while in the same room as Minami was going to be the toughest part—turns out he doesn’t know which part will _be_ the toughest just yet.

Sousuke gets into his car and drives the short distance over to Rin and Makoto’s place. He doesn’t know how to start this thing, but what definitely helps is knowing that it’s all over now and that there’s no need to keep any of it away from his friends. He doesn’t have to filter himself, doesn’t have to think about what to say. That, thankfully, will probably make things easier, but it still won’t be easy.

There’s a strange kind of relief that washes over him when Makoto opens the door. It gives Sousuke that extra little moment to prepare himself for facing Rin again after these weeks of radio silence between the two, imposed by Sousuke himself.

“Hi, Sousuke,” Makoto says. “Come in.”

Sousuke does as he’s offered to, and kicks his shoes off in the hallway. When he enters the house, a familiar redhead peeks his head around the corner, and then properly shows up to lift a hand in a lazy wave from the living room.

“Hey.”

Sousuke looks at Rin, and he nods. “Hey, Rin.”

“It’s good to see you.”

“You too,” Sousuke replies, and he manages a little smile.

The three of them get seated in the living room, and Sousuke takes a deep breath, relaxing his shoulders before he starts talking. The whole scene reminds him very much of the first time he came here when Gou forcibly brought him to Iwatobi for the first time in a year for the talk that would start this entire rollercoaster that led to Sousuke living here again.

To think that was merely months ago.

“I wanna start by saying I’m sorry. I know you did what you did because you wanted me to be safe. And I appreciate that, I really do. But I didn’t then.”

Rin shakes his head. “It’s fine. I knew I was way out of line, from the very beginning when I read your messages from Aki.”

“Aki?” Makoto interrupts, and Sousuke looks over at Makoto instead. He realises that maybe he should’ve started with Makoto first, and then gone over to Rin. It doesn’t matter, but it would have probably been better.

“Aki contacted me a while ago,” Sousuke explains. “She… had obtained information on Minami’s whereabouts ever since the night Haruka died. Aki asked me to meet her, and she presented me with a folder packed with info on Minami. She wanted me to… well, take care of it, get rid of him.”

Makoto’s eyes widen, but all he does is nod, allowing Sousuke to continue.

“Shit started happening, and then Rin—”

“I got suspicious because Sousuke was acting really strange,” Rin interrupts, which Sousuke’s actually glad for. “I read Aki’s messages on his phone, and that’s how I found out. That’s why I went to Tokyo on such short notice.”

A lot is left out, but all of that is still implied in what Rin says. It makes Sousuke feel even worse about how he’s treated Rin even though it certainly felt justified at the time. Things could’ve definitely gone worse in Tokyo had Rin not come along, and there’s no guarantee it would’ve ended the same way it did, either.

“So you found him,” Makoto says, and Sousuke nods.

“Rin did. He did the right thing and sent Minami away so I wouldn’t… you know. And then we came back home.”

“But I assume you still saw him here.”

Sousuke looks at Rin, and the look he’s given is completely neutral; not judgmental, not disappointed. Maybe this is going better than he’d expected it to.

“I did. Sei called, had him holed up in a motel room.”

“So where’s Minami now?”

Sousuke shrugs. “Police took him away with a broken nose the other day. Haven’t heard anything since, but I don’t really care. I know he’ll get what he deserves.”

Makoto winces. “Broken nose? Did he fight the police?”

“Oh, no, that was actually me. I broke his nose before they showed up.”

Rin lets out a laugh, which immediately helps lighten the atmosphere in the room. “Would’ve paid to see that.”

Punching Minami in the face didn’t make any difference. Sousuke isn’t even sure if their short talk made any difference, either, because he didn’t learn anything he couldn’t have figured out Minami would say, anyway. The difference between then and now is that Minami has stopped running, he’s going to be locked up soon and get what he deserves.

A year ago, Sousuke would’ve said Minami deserved to die, without hesitation. Now, Sousuke knows death is the easy way out for someone like Minami Kazuki. This way, Minami will have nothing but time to continue thinking about what he’s done, how much irreversible damage he caused, and what kind of consequences some impulsive actions will have.

“Anyway,” Sousuke says. “I’m sorry for being an idiot, Rin. And I’m sorry if I caused you worry when Rin was with me in Tokyo, Makoto.”

Rin shakes his head. “I take full responsibility for going with you to Tokyo. I don’t regret it, because it led to what I hoped it would. I was actually expecting us to never speak again after this whole thing because of what I did to you.”

“How come?”

“Because I lied to you.”

It certainly made Sousuke angrier than he’s been in a while, knowing he’d gotten so close but in the end gotten robbed of what could’ve meant closure for him. In hindsight, it wouldn’t have _been_ closure, it wouldn’t have made that much of a difference. Even if Minami died, Haruka would still be dead, and Sousuke would’ve probably regretted having let Minami get away so easily.

He smiles a little, and he sighs. “For once, it was a good thing you did. I prefer this outcome.”

“… Good. Same here.”

It’s nice to hear the relief in Rin’s voice as he says that.

* * *

There’s a shift at some point, a negative one, but Sousuke doesn’t notice when it actually happens. What happens is that he gets less and less sleep; he has trouble falling asleep, and if he does manage to fall asleep, he doesn’t get to sleep for very long before he wakes up. Eventually, Sousuke just doesn’t sleep, for the most part. In a week, he counted to having gotten five hours of sleep.

It’s probably not a good thing, he reasons, but it isn’t yet to serious he’d consider getting help.

Many times, dreams and nightmares aren’t what prevent Sousuke from sleeping. He honestly can’t figure out what _is_ keeping him up during nights when he hasn’t had a dream, or at least that he can remember. He learnt a long time ago that he shouldn’t get out of bed if he can’t sleep—say, to get a glass of water—because that’ll just ruin his chances of falling back asleep.

It’s safe to say grown up Sousuke has thrown out that rule a long time ago.

Instead, Sousuke goes out and jogs along the beach. Even though the sky is pitch dark, there are lights illuminating his path enough so he won’t have to fumble around. It’s nice, because there’s no one else awake at this hour, and it feels like Sousuke has the entirety of Iwatobi all to himself for a little while. Even though he’s just running along the beach.

Sometimes when he can’t sleep, Sousuke heads out into the living room, plants his ass on the couch, and turns on the TV in the hopes that he’ll find something so boring it’ll put him to sleep. Unfortunately, nothing ever does. He ends up flipping through his channels until he’s come full circle, and then he just gives up and tries to do something else. Which normally results in him going outside for a nightly run.

It’s a good way to clear his head, if anything. If it won’t help him fall asleep, then at least it’ll make his mind feel less cluttered with thoughts about everything and nothing. Important things he can’t do anything about right now, anyway, or things he really doesn’t know why he bothers thinking about. But he still does, somehow. Sometimes he doesn’t even have to think about things, he still can’t fall asleep. If he _does_ fall asleep and wakes up in the middle of the night, it’s the same thing. Sleep has become somewhat of a foreign concept.

So far, it doesn’t affect him all that much, but it does confuse him a little that it’s only gotten worse since he saw Minami. The days and few weeks following Haruka’s death were about the same as right now in terms of Sousuke’s lack of sleep, which he doesn’t understand. This should’ve helped him sleep more than anything, because now he’s managed to deal with a big part of what came out of that night when Haruka passed away in Sousuke’s arms on the side of the road. Instead, this didn’t seem to change a lot, as it should have.

Coffee helps a lot, though. One thing Sousuke’s discovered is how much his day improves after just having some coffee by his kitchen window in the morning before starting his day. The coffee machine was something Gou insisted he get instead of constantly going out to buy coffee from Starbucks or some other place that ends up being more expensive than Sousuke making his own.

In the end, Sousuke’s coffee even tastes better than what he buys at Starbucks on his way to work. The coffee they make at his restaurant isn’t bad, but he’s discovered that there’s not a lot that beats home-brewed coffee.

“This isn’t good, Sousuke.”

“Get out. My coffee is awesome.”

Rin sighs in annoyance. “I’m not talking about the coffee, I mean your sleeping habits. Or lack thereof, I should say.”

Sousuke rolls his eyes. “No shit.”

“Well, are you gonna do something about it? Not sleeping is gonna affect you in the long run. It’s probably gonna make you perform poorly at work, too. And you handling knives all day… I don’t think it’s gonna end well.”

“Thanks for the concern, _Mum_ , but I’m fine. Coffee helps.”

Rin snorts incredulously. “You mean it helps you stay awake. It doesn’t help you _sleep_ , which is what you need.”

“Makoto’s rubbing off on you too much,” Sousuke snaps. “Quit worrying so much about me, I can take care of myself.”

“I really doubt that, but fine. I still think you should see someone about that.”

He really hadn’t planned on telling Rin, but as with most other things, Sousuke can’t keep things secret. Rin had been pestering him, as always—somehow, creepily—knowing something’s up. And if Rin now knows, Makoto will, too. As always, with the people around Sousuke who care too much but are still his best friends. For some reason.

It takes a lot of effort to somewhat placate Rin and get him to actually leave Sousuke alone, but it works, in the end. Rin does, however, leave with the ominous promise that he won’t leave this be, and Sousuke now has an actual reason to not wanting to sleep now, because it’d bring him closer to whatever Rin has planned.

It’s not that Sousuke doesn’t want to sleep, because he wants to, more than anything. Which is why it’s so frustrating, every damn night, when he can’t fall asleep. If he does, he always ends up disappointed when he wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep. At which point he usually gives up and goes out for a run along the beach. All of this exercise Sousuke’s getting when he’s not sleeping is good, of course—but it’s not born from a good reason.

Despite his sleeping issues, Sousuke manages work just fine. It’s really not all that difficult, all he has to do is cook. Make sure presentation is up to standard and that it tastes good. Which it usually does; though he doesn’t like to brag, Sousuke is becoming a better chef by the day. The lack of sleep he’s having isn’t bothering him all that much when he’s constantly moving about in the kitchen, but it does once he comes home and it’s getting dark out.

So maybe he _does_ have a problem, after all.

* * *

As he’d promised, Kisumi comes over to help spruce up Sousuke’s apartment a bit—with emphasis on ‘a bit’. Sousuke still tries to keep some level of control over the situation even though it means a trip to some store which name Sousuke doesn’t commit to memory. Kisumi insists that this’ll only do him good and that it’ll make it nicer to come home every day, especially if it’s been very busy at work.

“Now, it’d defeat the purpose if I pick things out _for_ you,” Kisumi says. “Just… don’t think too much about the details. Pick something you think is nice. A plant, a wall decoration, whatever.”

“Uh, okay.”

“You don’t have to sound like that. I promise, you won’t regret having a few decorations around the place even if you think they’re a waste of space.”

Sousuke puts up a hand. “Alright, I get it. I’ll go around and have a look.”

He gives up on the plant section faster than he can blink, because the orchid is about as much as he can handle with his black thumb. Orchids don’t require much attention; apparently, all they need is a good spot to sit in and water every once in a while and it should be fine. So far, for a few weeks, it’s been fine and Sousuke’s orchid hasn’t died, so he assumes he’s doing an okay job of keeping it alive.

There’s an abundance of cliché and embarrassing quotes in the posters section which makes Sousuke regret coming to this store stronger than he did before they walked in. It’s the kind of stuff he’s seen some younger women have as tattoos on their arms, which to him is very contradictory because tattoos are generally seen as things cool and tough people get—but when the tattoo is a cliché quote like “ _live, laugh, love_ ,” it defeats most of its purpose. They obviously want it permanently inked onto their skin as some sort of reminder to live, laugh, and love, but that’s another thing Sousuke finds wasteful.

Thankfully, Sousuke finds posters that aren’t just cluttered with cliché quotes and hipster art, even some he considers buying. Posters like that are in general very unoriginal, but if he’s going to put things up around his apartment to make it look more like someone _lives_ there, these will do fine. He feels like an idiot who never knew what purpose decorations have until just a few minutes ago with the way he’s thinking about it all. Kisumi did, after all, tell him to not think too much about the details.

So he gives in, and picks out a poster with a frame, a doormat, and actually returns to the plants to get himself a cactus—that requires even _less_ attention than his orchid—and then heads on over to Kisumi who’s perusing the kitchen section, specifically plates and bowls.

“Oh hey, you managed to find something! Impressive.”

“You say that as if you’d let me leave if I hadn’t found anything.”

Kisumi laughs. “Wow, you make me sound like an awful person. Admit it, it’s not that bad.”

“Maybe. Are you done here or are you looking for anything else?”

“No, I’m good. We came here mostly for you and your boring apartment.”

Sousuke raises an eyebrow, not offended in the least. “You just _became_ an awful person for saying my apartment’s boring.”

In all honesty, it wasn’t all that bad. When Sousuke’s framed and hung the poster up on his wall over the side table in the hallway, he realises it actually makes it look a little bit more homey in his apartment, and the doormat will actually be _practical_ in the sense that it’ll catch whatever gravel or other things may get stuck under his shoes. His place will never look like Kisumi’s, but at least it looks a bit more inhabited now.

When he’s put his stuff up and placed his new cactus out by the living room window, Sousuke takes photos and sends them to Kisumi because he knows it’ll definitely placate Kisumi.

[ _see? it looks a lot brighter and happier now_.]

[ _glad you think so. maybe now my apartment won’t be so sad when i’m at work_.]

[ _you’ll thank me soon enough, sousuke_.]

Sousuke snorts before replying. [ _if you say so._ ]

For now, he’s okay with it. Sousuke made sure to buy something he wouldn’t get tired of seeing on his wall within just a few short weeks. Whether or not he’ll thank Kisumi for the idea is still very much up in the air, but he leans more towards not having to.

Sometimes, he thinks back to his previous workplace, his previous life which isn’t that long ago. It makes him realise that change can happen fast, and it can also be a slow process. Everything between Hyogo and his return to Iwatobi feels like a fever dream, like it was over in the span of a single night. Some days when he wakes up, Sousuke is still perplexed by the fact that he’s sleeping in a normal bed instead of a crummy old bunk bed in a tiny, poorly insulated room.

This change has, for the most part, been good. In the beginning, he’d been terrified and also annoyed by it, by the fact that it was forced upon him by people other than himself. But now Sousuke’s starting to realise that it would never have happened if his friends _hadn’t_ intervened and sprung to action. Sousuke would’ve still been stuck in Hyogo, chasing revenge and the ever so elusive catharsis hopefully following him getting his closure.

On a rare occasion when they’re both off work, Sei calls Sousuke and suggests they go jog along the beach together. Sousuke never pinned Sei as the type, but he doesn’t mind the company this one time.

They meet up outside one of the hotels downtown, and from there begin their run down to and along the coastline. The sky is blue but shows a few clouds that allow the sun to hide every now and then, so the weather is perfect for running. The cool breeze that fans across Sousuke’s face occasionally really helps.

“Do you come down here a lot?” Sei asks. “Rin said you go out for a run every now and then.”

Sousuke thinks about his nightly runs around the beach when he doesn’t sleep, and is glad Sei doesn’t work night shifts so he’d be able to see Sousuke avoiding having to deal with his insomnia by doing everything else instead.

“I do. Good to get in some exercise when I can.”

“Hm. I should do this more often, I think. Sitting around all day mostly doing paperwork can be really dull, so this could help.”

“Yeah.”

Sousuke sees a little boy sneaking up behind a flock of seagulls near the water as they run past. Sousuke can’t help but want to see the outcome of what’s obviously a stupid idea, and when he sees the birds fly up and back in the boy’s direction as he scares them, Sousuke can’t help but grin to himself. Sure, many kids do the same thing and learn the same lesson that you just don’t mess with birds or they’ll shit on you—and Sousuke was one of those kids—but it’s always fun to see kids keeping the tradition alive.

Otherwise, the beach area is relatively calm and quaint aside from the seagull screeching. A long time ago just before Sousuke and Haruka started dating, Sousuke didn’t understand Haruka’s love for the ocean. Now, more than he ever has, he understands it. He likes the quiet, likes hearing the waves come crashing into shore, seeing the ocean stretch out far and wide. It’s calming in a unique way other things and places can’t quite come close to.

“You know,” Sei says as they’re nearing the end of their run, having come back to where they started. “The one thing that keeps coming back to me is how you managed to find Minami in the first place.”

Sousuke briefly closes his eyes, sighing. “Sei, I don’t wanna—”

“You don’t have to,” Sei interrupts. “It’s not that hard to figure out that it would’ve taken a private investigator to do this. Right? Which costs a fair amount of money. And any way I think about it, from whatever angle—it always leads back to one person.”

“What do you want me to say? It’s all over, anyway.”

Sei smiles and shakes his head, and there’s something about that smile that sends a chill down Sousuke’s spine. He hasn’t seen Sei this angry before, and they’ve known each other for many years at this point. Sousuke makes a mental note to send Aki a warning message so she’s at least prepared for Sei’s scolding.

“She sent you to Tokyo to commit a murder, you know. I could have her arrested for that.”

“But then you’d get _me_ arrested, too.”

Sei huffs a laugh. “Not if she’s the one who sent _you_. After everything we’ve been through, Yazaki would do _this_. Now that’s a completely new low, even for her.”

Thankfully, this is where Sousuke and Sei go their separate ways. Sei lifts his hand in a wave, and Sousuke watches him leave. When he’s sure Sei has completely left the area, Sousuke gets out his phone.

[ _sei knows u tracked down minami & he’s not happy about it_]

He jogs the short stretch back home, and by the time he’s just about to get into the shower, Aki sends Sousuke her response.

[ _i don’t care. i’m not scared of him_ ]

[ _if you say so. just a heads up_ ]

Sousuke raises his eyebrows slightly, and then heads into the bathroom. It’s all over and done with, why would Sei want to continue this by chasing Aki? In the end, she wasn’t the one who knew where Minami was. She had someone find out a lot about Minami which definitely helped, but ultimately, Rin was the one who found Minami. And even if Aki _did_ ask Sousuke to go kill Minami, it was ultimately his decision to make.

If only Sei knew Sousuke initially refused but changed his mind on his own accord.


	9. the insomniac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke's sleep problems continue, and a friend decides to intervene. A friend who won't take 'no' for an answer.

Not being able to sleep makes Sousuke wonder if at least boredom will kill him at some point. He works and spends time with people when the sun is up, but once it has set and normal people have gone to bed, Sousuke can’t sleep. And because he can’t sleep, he stays up. He goes for a jog, watches a few films, listens to music, considers picking up another hobby he can waste time doing at night if he can’t sleep. Even _knitting_ sounds tempting at this point. All Sousuke wants is to be able to sleep. He isn’t tired, or at least he doesn’t _think_ he is, and he obviously manages to function normally, still, because no one’s seemed to notice. Well, no one but Rin.

“How many hours of sleep did you get last week?”

Sousuke hums. “Uh, maybe four. I’d consider those naps more than anything, though.”

The truth, however, is that he doesn’t _remember_ how much sleep he got. The wise choice is to not tell Rin this because it’d just cause an argument.

“Do you at least _try_ to sleep?”

“For god’s sake, Rin, _yes_ ”, Sousuke barks louder than he means to. He regrets it, and lowers his voice to normal volume again. “You have no idea how much I just want to be able to be a normal person again. Sleep would be awesome, but I don’t _get_ to sleep.”

Rin shrugs, and he sighs. “I’m not being a pain in the ass because I want to be. I worry about you, that’s why.”

“I know, and you worrying makes you a pain in the ass. Listen, I’m fine.”

“You’re not _fine_. You should really consider seeing someone about this. There _is_ help to get if you want to become a normal person again, like you said.”

So what’s he gonna do, talk to a stranger about how he doesn’t sleep, and say ‘I don’t know’ when he’s asked _why_ he can’t sleep? It all sounds like a waste of time _and_ money, and there’s only one of those things Sousuke’s sort of fine with wasting, one which wouldn’t dig a hole into his wallet.

Besides, this is probably just a temporary thing that’ll go away by itself at some point. If it doesn’t cause Sousuke any problems physically, mentally or in his social life, he doesn’t mind having this ‘problem’ of not being able to sleep. If anything, it could be a good way to stay productive if only he had something he could do even at night. Maybe he’s chosen the wrong profession to have suddenly become an insomniac.

Sousuke rolls his eyes. “I’m not gonna do that.”

“Fine,” Rin replies and throws his hands up. “I’ve tried, but you won’t bite. You’re stubborn and you won’t change and I should’ve known that before I got started. Again.”

“Thanks.”

“Oh, that wasn’t a compliment, Sou.”

“I know,” Sousuke says, and Rin lets that be the end of that conversation Sousuke feels like they’ve had before. They kind of have, but this time there was only a slight difference. The outcome is still the same, however, which is the way Sousuke prefers it.

Sometimes, Sousuke kind of hates how stubborn he is because of how it can hinder progress in his life. Getting help would definitely solve his problem, he knows that, but it’s the principle of having to _ask_ for help that he absolutely loathes. He’s never really believed in getting help from a therapist because it all seems like mumbo jumbo to him, and he’s not interested in getting help unless the pay-out is instant.

It’s a really stupid way of thinking and he knows it, but change takes time, and even longer if your name is Yamazaki Sousuke.

So, as Sousuke has always done, he keeps ignoring his problems and lives on life like normal. Sure, it isn’t normal as he for the most part doesn’t _sleep_ like others do, but he keeps working, socialising, and attempting to go back to a normal life. A life that won’t ever be normal like it was two years ago, but it can still come somewhat close if he tries.

Sousuke tries calling Aki after their text-based conversation the other day, but she keeps rejecting his calls. They haven’t talked since he was in Tokyo, and they haven’t properly talked about how the entire Minami situation came to an end. Even though Sousuke’s pretty happy with how it turned out, considering Minami’s getting his punishment for what he did, Sousuke’s fairly certain Aki feels different about it.

Maybe she just needs more time, he thinks. It’s understandable she wouldn’t want to talk to anyone from Iwatobi, least of all Sousuke, if she’s trying to process it all and leave it behind. He could very well be hindering her from getting over it, so Sousuke gives up his attempts at coming in contact with Aki. If she wants to talk to him, she will; he knows that much.

Night approaches once more, and Sousuke lies in bed, staring up at the ceiling. It’s pointless and he knows it, but something prompts him to keep trying. At least that way he can say he’s tried to fall asleep, even though he almost always fails. And if he manages to actually fall asleep, it doesn’t last long.

This night, like many others, Sousuke has to give up on trying to fall asleep before he punches a hole through his wall or something. He gets out of bed, puts on a tank top, shorts, and his running shoes, and then he heads out the door equipped only with his phone and keys. His neighbours have most certainly heard his door open and close this late at night many times, and it’s a wonder they haven’t reported him to the landlord or anything like that with how suspicious it has to be. Anyone who regularly leaves their apartment late at night for an hour would be suspicious even to Sousuke.

With music playing in his ears, Sousuke takes a slightly different route than usual starting from the beach but then continuing towards the docks. There’s always something very calming about being alone out at night. Iwatobi is asleep, even the little minimarts that don’t close until eleven or midnight, there are no cars driving along the roads. Occasionally, Sousuke spots a stray cat or two, but other than that, he’s got Iwatobi all to himself. Even though Iwatobi is a calm town even during the day and when there are tourists visiting, it’s still very different at night.

The funny thing about this is that Sousuke didn’t choose to waste his nights away by running to get in some exercise, though it’s definitely still a good thing to do. He got in a lot of exercise punching people and working out at the bar while living in Hyogo, but since moving back to Iwatobi, working out hasn’t really been on Sousuke’s schedule. This way, he kills two birds with one stone by both getting in a little exercise and also doing something about his insomnia.

Maybe he isn’t doing what Rin wants him to do, but it’s better than nothing.

Sousuke flinches and nearly runs into a lamppost when his phone suddenly rings, pausing his music. He frowns in confusion and slight irritation at the reason for his raised heartbeat, and takes his phone out of his pocket to see who on Earth would call him _now_. When he sees the name on his screen, he’s kind of relieved it isn’t Rin or Sei. Instead, it’s Kisumi.

“Yeah?”

“ _Hey, Sousuke. Where are you?_ ”

Sousuke snorts so softly he knows Kisumi doesn’t hear it. “For all you know, I could be at home right now, and you may have just interrupted my sleep.”

“ _Sleep, yes, about that. No, I know you’re not sleeping. That’s why I called._ ”

“You should be asleep, Kisumi. Go to bed.”

“ _Let me help you._ ”

Sousuke bursts out laughing shortly. “What? I’m fine.”

“ _You’re not fine. Will you let me help you? I want to try and help you sleep_.”

Rin’s talk about Kisumi having studied psychology comes to mind. He doesn’t want help.

“No. Did Rin tell you?”

“ _He did, because he’s worried. Rin tried to help, but you rejected him. So now I’ll try_.”

“You don’t have to.”

“ _No. But I want to. Tell you what: you let me at least try, and if it doesn’t work, none of us will bother you about it again._ ”

It’s a tempting offer, he has to admit, but Sousuke wonders what’s worse—getting help from a friend or from a stranger. There are definitely advantages and disadvantages to both, but the struggle is in trying to figure out which outweighs what.

In the end, he supposes he might as well give it a shot. Sleep is something he misses quite a bit.

“Fine,” he mutters. “What’s your plan?”

“ _Well, for starters, I need to get to the root of your sleeping problems to figure out how to get rid of them. Meet me at Starbucks down the road from your restaurant tomorrow at six. And I won’t take no for an answer. Oh, and Sousuke?_ ”

“Yeah?”

“ _Good night_.”

Sousuke shakes his head. “Good night.”

* * *

During the transition from night to morning when dark is overtaken by sunlight, Sousuke binge-watches a mystery series on Netflix. Then he gets up from the couch to make himself some coffee and toast. Had he not opened his blinds, Sousuke wouldn’t ever know what time of day it is. That’s probably the worst thing about all of this; Sousuke has lost mostly all concept of time. Sometimes it feels like a day has gone on for three days. He thinks what happened yesterday actually took place last week.

He’s really damn lucky it hasn’t affected his job yet, but it’s close. Sousuke knows it’s only a matter of time.

Kisumi sits with a big tea mug between his hands, pensively looking out the window when Sousuke arrives at the coffee shop. Unusual to this particular Starbucks, there aren’t many people here today, which Sousuke appreciates. He’s sure this ‘session’ will be weird and feels like it’s better if as few people as possible witness the whole thing. Not that Sousuke knows what’s going to _happen_ , but he knows he has to expect anything.

Sousuke orders himself a black coffee, the second he’s had today, though this mug is bigger than the one he had at home. He then heads on over to join Kisumi by his table, sitting down on the opposite side. Kisumi acknowledges Sousuke with a nod and a little smile.

“Didn’t think you’d actually show up,” he says.

“Why not? You told me to come.”

Kisumi shrugs. “I’m just glad you’re willing to fix this. The first thing would’ve been to order something other than a caffeinated drink, but we’ll take it step by step.”

Sousuke looks down at his mug of coffee, and he scrunches his nose a little. “But I live on coffee.”

“Maybe that’s part of the reason why you can’t sleep. If you’ve got nothing but coffee running through your veins, you can’t be too surprised you don’t sleep.”

“… That’s fair.”

Kisumi raises his eyebrows, saying ‘ _I told you so_ ’ with a simple look. “Okay. When did you notice you had trouble sleeping?”

Sousuke hums, and tries to think back. Hasn’t he always had at least _some_ difficulty in getting to sleep? Haruka was for the most part the one who struggled more, but even he managed to fall asleep at some point. His sleeping habits only improved during their relationship, and now that Sousuke thinks about it, so did his own. But, obviously, sometime down the line, Sousuke straight up stopped sleeping and only got to take the occasional nap. But why?

“I don’t know,” he says after a while.

“How much of this is related to Haru?” Sousuke looks up, and Kisumi immediately lifts his hands in a peace-offering gesture. “I—I’m sorry, it’s just… important to know.”

Sousuke sighs. “It’s fine, don’t worry. I don’t think most of it is related to him. It probably started around the time we got back from Tokyo.”

“Oh. Okay. Wait… right after the thing with Minami Kazuki?”

Sousuke looks up and meets Kisumi’s gaze. “Yeah, I think. Why?”

“Listen, I’m just brainstorming for now. But… this is the guy you wanted revenge on for so long. Right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“So you probably went to bed every night with the motivation that you’ll ‘get him tomorrow’, or something along those lines. Something that kept you going, made you go to bed and get _out_ of bed every morning.”

Sousuke furrows his eyebrows slightly. “Maybe?”

“I’m just saying… now that it’s all over, your reason for going to bed and getting out of bed is completely gone, if my theory checks out. This could be why you can’t sleep, Sousuke.”

People say it’s like a light that comes on in one’s head when something just _makes sense_. It’s not quite like that in Sousuke’s case, but it’s close. He’s impressed, and also a little scared of Kisumi’s psychology knowledge.

“Huh,” is what comes out of his mouth at this revelation. “That’s… that makes sense.”

Kisumi breathes out a laugh. “I knew I could do it. So? Will you give me a chance to help you sleep, now that we’re already off to a good start?”

It can’t hurt, and most importantly, it can’t get worse. If it doesn’t work, then at least they’ve tried. Sousuke doesn’t see the harm in trying, especially since he just really wants to be able to sleep again.

“Sure,” he replies. “Whatever you have in mind.”

“I won’t force pills down your throat. It’s perfectly possible to cure insomnia without the help of pills. I’ve always had an interest in sleeping disorders, and this—don’t take this the wrong way—this is a good way for me to try some of these things on someone else, for once.”

“Someone else?”

Kisumi waves a hand dismissively before taking a sip from his tea. “Oh, it was very minor, didn’t last long. I imagine all of us went through it at some point.”

Of course. Sousuke is once again reminded of the fact that every single one of his friends were close with Haruka and that they all probably dealt with things in very different ways. Luckily for Kisumi, he could solve at least some of his problems on his own thanks to what he’s studied, but for the others, it obviously wasn’t that easy.

“Right,” Sousuke replies, feeling bad about requiring clarification. “Well, I’m all ears.”

Kisumi then stares pointedly at Sousuke’s now half empty mug of coffee. “ _That’s_ the first step. Eliminate caffeine from your daily routine. That’ll only keep you up longer.”

Sousuke makes a face, and then empties his cup. That might’ve been the best coffee he’s ever had, though he knows he’s biased because it’s probably his _last_ coffee in a while. “Fine.”

“Tea is fine, though. I have a few recommendations I can bring over for you to try.”

“I’m not big on tea.”

“You’ll have to endure until we can get you sleeping again,” Kisumi says sternly. “It’s not that bad, I promise. Tea comes in different flavours.”

Sousuke sighs. “I get it. It’s just gonna be tough to adjust.”

“You’re actually gonna go through with this, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Sousuke replies with slight exasperation. “I mean, I guess I have to. If I wanna sleep.”

Kisumi nods, looking satisfied with an answer he wasn’t gonna leave without, anyway. “Even if you may at some points think I’m just messing with you, I’m not. It’s for your own good.”

It’s not that Sousuke is against the whole thing; he _can_ say no if he wants to, even if Kisumi is one who rarely takes no for an answer in situations when he knows it’s for someone’s own good. Like this time. The thing Sousuke finds difficult is that this whole thing is going to take time, and it’s going to take effort. He wishes it’d just been a short period of some sort of sleep therapy and then he’d be falling asleep in no time. At least he won’t have to take any pills and run the risk of getting addicted.

Briefly he wonders to himself if one could get addicted to tea like he is to coffee.

“Right. Well, if you don’t have any interjections, I’d say this time and day every week for a bit is good to meet up.”

“Sounds good.”

“Great! I’ll head by your place tomorrow to drop off the tea. For tonight, no coffee. Okay? Absolutely no coffee at least two hours before you normally go to bed. And try to lie down in bed at around the same time every night. Even if you can’t sleep, just lie down; that at least ensures your body gets to rest.”

Sousuke nods as he takes mental notes of the things Kisumi wants him to try to combat his insomnia. “Got it.”

“Good. That’s a good first step, at least.”

* * *

He never really thought he was addicted to caffeine before Sousuke now experiences his first caffeine headache. It came way sooner than he’d like to admit, and it’s very difficult to get rid of. Sousuke is really tempted to just have a cup of coffee at break, but Kisumi’s words echo in his mind the very second he thinks about it and sees a tray of coffee cups come into the kitchen. Kisumi is scarily good at making sure Sousuke doesn’t cheat, and he doesn’t even have to be in the vicinity.

But, as he really wants to get rid of his sleeping problems for good, Sousuke follows Kisumi’s advice. Kisumi had dropped by the day after their first so-called therapy session with the tea he promised to bring Sousuke. So far, he’s only tried the lemon balm and the lavender tea, and the aforementioned is a lot easier to stomach. Lavender just tastes like soap in Sousuke’s opinion, so he’s not really looking forward to his next cup. Or, really, having to finish all of it.

While sleep is still mostly absent apart from the less than occasional nap he’s lucky to get, work is keeping Sousuke busy, steadily learning, and improving. One more thing has managed to ground Sousuke to Iwatobi more than his friends, and he’s relieved to have found a job that seemingly won’t bore him out like his previous ‘occupation’ did. Looking back, Sousuke wonders how the hell he managed to keep it going for an entire year. The restaurant job is busier, actually exciting, and his co-workers are nice. Hiroki was nice, but that was because he only cared about the money Sousuke made him. This feels more genuine, in a way.

Kisumi’s sleep therapy continues as well, and one particular evening, he sends a message with a very strange idea.

[ _people tend to sleep better with someone by their side, actually. i mean, you don’t have to say yes, but it’s an idea_ ]

[ _um, ok. so, like, tonight?_ ]

[ _if that’s okay with you?_ ]

Sousuke shrugs, and gives Kisumi the thumbs up to come over and do whatever his sleep therapy program entails. So far, Sousuke hasn’t noticed any progress as far as sleep goes. He’s cut coffee out of his life, he’s finished half of the tea Kisumi gave him, he goes to bed more or less at the same time every evening. And yet, nothing. The longer it goes on, the more desperate Sousuke gets. Almost so desperate that, if Kisumi’s tricks won’t work, Sousuke heavily considers contacting someone and getting sleep pills prescribed.

Now that it’s gone on for a while, Sousuke has noticed how his memory isn’t the way it usually is; he forgets some short-term things like if he locked the door this morning or even what day it is. Tension headaches come and go, but he wouldn’t see that issue as pressing as his memory failing him. He can get rid of headaches—temporarily—with pain relieving pills, but he can’t improve his memory that way.

Kisumi rings his doorbell around nine. He walks inside the apartment with a sports bag, which makes Sousuke lower his eyebrows, confused.

“What’s with all the stuff?”

“I didn’t bring anything I don’t think I’ll need,” Kisumi says, and demonstrates by taking things out one by one. “I’ve got scented candles that’ll help calm you down, my pyjamas, toothbrush—”

“Alright,” Sousuke interrupts. “I get it. But I’ll blame you if the apartment burns down because of your candles.”

Kisumi snorts. “I’m not an idiot, Sousuke.”

“Didn’t say you are, I just don’t wanna get kicked out.”

“You won’t. So, let’s begin! This’ll be like a sleepover, sort of.”

Sousuke raises his eyebrows slightly. “I haven’t been to a sleepover since I was, like, six.”

“Humour me.”

“Just kidding.”

Kisumi looks miffed for only about less than a second before he returns to his cheery self. He puts out his scented candles on Sousuke’s desktop and chest of drawers, safe away from things that could easily burn, like a curtain Sousuke doesn’t own. Sousuke lets Kisumi have fun while he instead goes into the bathroom to wash up, and when he returns, Kisumi has already gotten into his pyjamas and is sitting on Sousuke’s bed.

“Don’t tell me you’re suddenly scared to get in my bed when you’ve already made yourself at home literally everywhere else in my bedroom,” he says, and Kisumi looks up, actually looking slightly surprised or even shocked.

“Of course not,” he says, and recovers his usual facial expression as if he’d literally dropped it on the floor. “Just waiting for you to be done, ‘cause I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.”

“Oh. Well, be my guest… I suppose.”

Kisumi huffs a quiet, short laugh, and then he exits the bedroom. Sousuke undresses down to his boxers and crawls in under his duvet, sighing. Getting into bed these days is more than just that, it’s also a gamble that usually ends up with him losing. He wonders if his lingering slivers of scepticism towards the effects of sleep therapy are a contributing factor to why he still can’t sleep. Does it work that way? Only Kisumi among Sousuke’s acquaintances would know, but Sousuke might not believe the answer regardless.

He’s just got to stop being so cynical, really.

Sousuke’s mind is somewhere else when Kisumi returns. He scoots over a little to the side to make room, and only when Kisumi gets in under the covers with him does Sousuke realise the awkwardness of their situation.

“You know, this… uh, is a little weird. Not gonna lie.”

“Oh, relax,” Kisumi says with a ‘ _psh_ ’. “This is completely non-sexual, Sousuke. Just me wanting to help you, and having an interest in sleep disorders. That’s it. Besides, I’m sure you’ve been in worse situations with men, seeing them naked in changing rooms and such.”

Sousuke rolls his eyes. “Sure, yeah. Well, if you say so. But you don’t… like, you know… _like_ me, do you?”

Kisumi gives him a confused look for a long second, and then he bursts out laughing. “Oh! No. _No_ , no. We’re friends.”

“Right, of course.”

“So!” Kisumi says. “Keep that conversation in mind for this—I want to try and sync your heartbeat and breathing with mine. Deep breaths and a slower heartrate really helps you fall asleep faster, and in general improves your sleep quality.”

“Okay.”

“So we have to sleep really close to each other. Like, really close. Otherwise it won’t work. Also, people tend to sleep better with another body against theirs. Just extra steps to try and get you to sleep.”

Like Kisumi had advised him to, Sousuke keeps their little conversation from a minute ago in his mind. If Kisumi says he doesn’t feel anything that way, Sousuke will have to take his word for it. It’s just sleep therapy, and it probably won’t go on for too long, either. Well, _hopefully_.

“Right. Well, whatever you want to try that doesn’t mean drugging me is fine. This seems harmless enough.”

Kisumi snorts. “Oh, it’s harmless alright.”

It’s definitely strange, Sousuke isn’t going to lie. He hasn’t been this close to anyone since Haruka, and as he realises that, Sousuke pushes the thought away faster than it had come to him. It feels nice, though; now that it’s starting to get colder outside, it’s nice to have another warm body up against his own. But Sousuke doesn’t notice anything different happening when it comes to Kisumi’s psychology mumbo. Sousuke’s always breathed deeply in general, much like Kisumi described himself, and he doesn’t think his heartrate is that high, either.

What Sousuke _does_ notice, after a while, is that Kisumi has definitely fallen asleep. He’d just kept quiet since they _were_ going to sleep, and keeping a conversation going wouldn’t help. Sousuke, however, feels tired but can’t fall asleep despite keeping his eyes closed. He tries, like always, but sleep doesn’t come.

Funny how Kisumi, who was going to help Sousuke fall asleep, was the one who actually fell asleep first.

Come morning when Kisumi jolts awake, Sousuke’s watching a series on Netflix on his phone using in-ear headphones. Kisumi turns around in bed, and Sousuke looks down at him.

“Hey,” he says.

“Did you… did you sleep at _all_?”

Sousuke shrugs. At least he didn’t go out for another run, but he _has_ gone back and forth between his bed and the couch during the night. He’s so thankful things like Netflix exists.

“Nope.”

“God,” Kisumi exhales. “Did I snore? Is that why you couldn’t fall asleep? ‘Cause I tend to snore if I’m _really_ out of it, like if I’m in a deep—”

“You didn’t snore,” Sousuke cuts Kisumi off. “It’s fine.”

“It obviously isn’t if you still couldn’t sleep, Sousuke.”

Sousuke sighs. “Listen, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and you’re probably right about the Minami thing. But I think this is something I need to work out on my own.”

“… Oh. Okay.”

“Alright.”

Kisumi looks almost like a puppy who’s been denied its favourite toy, but like many other times, said expression only stays briefly until it’s replaced with Kisumi’s usual facial expression again. “I’ll go freshen up; you probably don’t want me around all day. ‘Sides, I’ve got errands to run.”

“Yeah. You—” Sousuke manages to say, just before the doorbell rudely interrupts. He gives Kisumi a confused look. “I’m… gonna go get the door.”

Sousuke jumps up from his bed and heads out into the hallway. At the door when he opens, he finds Rin.

“Hey, Sou. I assume I didn’t wake you.”

“You didn’t. What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if you wanna go out and get some breakfast. We haven’t really—”

“Rin?”

Sousuke turns his head as Kisumi comes out to join them by the door. Wearing his pyjamas. Realisation hits him, and Sousuke barely dares look Rin in the face.

“Kisumi? What are you doing here?”

Kisumi smiles. “I’m Sousuke’s sleep therapist.”

“… So you spent the night?”

Sousuke clears his throat. “Rin, it’s not what it looks like.”

“It isn’t?”

Kisumi huffs a laugh. “No. Well, sort of. We _did_ sleep in the same bed. Well, _I_ slept, which wasn’t the point.”

“Yeah… I didn’t sleep. Listen, Rin, I’m gonna head into the shower quickly, and then we can go out for breakfast. Okay?”

“Sure,” Rin says, and then Sousuke heads back into the bathroom. He knows Rin well enough to let himself in, and also that he and Kisumi will easily slip into a conversation of their own while they’re waiting.

He thinks Kisumi’s therapy-stuff is working, definitely. Well, not that he’s necessarily _sleeping_ , but at least he’s on a regular, consistent schedule now and eliminated coffee from his life. He _will_ definitely start drinking coffee again once he starts being able to sleep, just not as many cups a day as he used to. Never again after lunch, that’s for sure.

Following his very hot shower, Sousuke dresses himself in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans, and heads out into the hallway again to get Rin.

“… not okay, Kis, and you know that.”

“Hey, everything okay?”

There’s a strange tension in the air when Sousuke joins the others; both Rin and Kisumi look a lot less cheerful than they were before Sousuke left. They’ve obviously talked about something serious enough that it made the atmosphere change.

“Yeah, it’s fine. Listen, I’m gonna go. See you around.”

Sousuke and Rin barely have time to say goodbye to Kisumi before he’s slipped past them out the door. Sousuke puts his shoes and jacket on, and then turns back to Rin.

“What the hell were you two talking about? Seemed very serious.”

“Oh, nothing,” Rin replies with a dismissive wave. “Let’s go; I’m starving.”


	10. the fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisumi's story, from then until now.

> _Kisumi._

He remembers the first time he met Sousuke, and how their meeting was so very underwhelming. It’s the kind of first meeting people would brush off and forget, but the thing is that Kisumi wasn’t allowed to forget. Sousuke would proceed to find his way into their lives, and in the blink of an eye, he was just part of the group. It was Kisumi, Makoto, Rin, Haruka, and Sousuke, and the inclusion of Sousuke felt so natural that Kisumi never expected _this_. The first inkling was easy to shrug off as something he’d just imagined, but as it kept coming back, it became harder to ignore.

The toughest thing to experience was the start of Sousuke and Haruka’s romantic relationship. It was so frustratingly natural for the two of them to get together, to find each other. All of their little arguments would seem genuine to strangers, but to people who knew the two, it was all in good fun. And it was probably one of the many things that brought them together.

And all Kisumi could do was watch someone he was falling in love with, fall for someone else.

Kisumi has always been good at hiding his true emotions, however, so he was able to keep up appearances around his friends whenever they would get together. Besides the little detail of Sousuke and Haruka dating, nothing really changed in their group of friends. Neither Sousuke nor Haruka were big on public displays of affection (thankfully), so they still acted the same way they had before they started dating.

Everything stayed the same, but Kisumi’s feelings grew stronger over time. At times, he could barely stand to be in the same room as Sousuke, because he feared that one day he’d act upon his romantic feelings. At times, it was difficult to be around Haruka, because Kisumi feared he would act upon his feelings of jealousy. Why couldn’t it be Kisumi instead?

The disadvantage to knowing people really well is that there comes a point when your friends will see through the mask you put on among others. This was the case for Kisumi with Rin, of all people. If anyone, Kisumi had expected it to be Makoto, but not Rin.

“You love him, don’t you?”

It may sound like such a simple question, but it went against every principle, rule, and policy Kisumi had to answer that question honestly. And yet, he couldn’t find it in him to lie. What good was it going to do when it was so obvious Rin _knew_? It wasn’t a guess, it was more of a confirmation. Confirmation that Rin sought from Kisumi whom he should’ve known would do anything to deny him. And yet…

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Was obvious. I can tell by the way you look at him.”

“Hm.”

Rin lets his next words linger for a bit on his tongue. “For how long?”

“I don’t know. A long time.”

It feels like it’s just the two of them there, right then. The others are busy with their own conversations across the room from where Kisumi and Rin are sitting, which is nice, because it means they don’t run the risk of anyone eavesdropping.

“That sucks.”

Kisumi lets out a laugh. “Thanks.”

“I mean… you can’t tell him, obviously. And, well… those two…”

“Are going to be together forever.”

Rin makes an uncomfortable grimace. Kisumi doesn’t know what it means. “Well, probably. It’s not easy, being on both sides.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m on your side, because we’re friends. I feel bad for you, and normally I’d root for you. But I’m also friends with both Haru and Sousuke, and I don’t condone infidelity.”

Kisumi rolls his eyes. “No worries there, because that won’t happen.”

“I know. So what’re you gonna do?”

The truth is, Kisumi both knows and doesn’t know at the same time. The obvious answer here would be to tough it out and live with it until his feelings fade away. But the reality is probably that it won’t go away unless Kisumi moves away from Iwatobi and gets away from everything that makes it harder for him to forget. Constantly being around Sousuke isn’t helping. Moving for a thing like unrequited feelings seems a little extreme.

So, of course, Kisumi stays, and he deals with it. Weeks turn into months, turn into a year, and then another. Surprisingly, it gets a little easier to live with over time, but it’s always there in the background, like the kind of annoying background music you’re trying to ignore but can’t because it’s so awful you can’t help but notice it. What sucks is that Kisumi can’t ask anyone else to change the music, because he’s the one in charge of it.

Rin never brought it up again, but Kisumi can tell Rin is aware of Kisumi’s feelings towards Sousuke that won’t go away despite the time that has passed. He wishes feelings were like a cold, that they would go over after some time, and then it’d all be fine again. All he wants is to be able to be normal friends with both Sousuke and Haruka, but there’s always that something in the way that he’s surprised neither of them have asked him about.

Then comes the tragedy, like lightning from a clear blue sky.

Kisumi is asleep when his phone rings, and Makoto is the one to bring him the news of Haruka’s death. It feels surreal, and it makes Kisumi deeply, deeply hate himself. He should’ve known that karma would come and get him someday, that his sporadic jealous thoughts would manifest themselves in some way. Is this his fault, now? Could Kisumi have prevented Haruka’s death if only he’d been able to get over his feelings for Sousuke sooner?

Following the funeral, Kisumi withdraws from the group. He stops reaching out, stops taking the initiative. It doesn’t take long for Rin and Makoto to notice that something’s up. Despite their grieving, they still find time to look around them, notice what’s going on, care for others. Kisumi doesn’t understand it, mostly because this attention is turned toward himself. He doesn’t deserve it, _they_ should be avoiding _him_ , and not the other way around.

In the time that he spends away from his friends, Kisumi finally makes the decision to move. His uncle offers to help him find housing in Tokyo, and he knows he’ll easily be able to find a job there. Moving won’t be difficult in _that_ sense, but in other ways, it’s a different story. It feels like this is the right thing to do, though, both for himself, for Sousuke, and for the others.

Despite everything, Kisumi struggles with deciding on whether or not to tell Rin, Gou, Makoto, and Sousuke that he’s moving. None of the options are easy, but he realises that there’s one person who would be easier to tell the news to than the others.

“ _Hello? Kisumi?_ ”

“Hey, Gou. Are you busy?”

“ _No, not really. What’s up?_ ”

“Well, I… This isn’t easy to do over the phone, but easier than seeing you face-to-face.”

“ _Kisumi, what’s wrong?_ ”

Gou’s voice is concerned, and Kisumi detects a hint of suspicion, too. It’s no surprise, because he’s doing a terrible job of getting to the point.

“Nothing. Well, everything. I’m… I’m moving. I’m actually leaving tomorrow.”

This time, Gou doesn’t respond for a long few seconds. Kisumi almost wonders if maybe she hung up, but he knows she hasn’t. Honestly, he doesn’t know how he’d react, either, if a close friend of his suddenly declared they’re moving away from town the next day. He knows it won’t be received warmly, but he didn’t want to tell them too soon or he knew there was a risk he’d regret his decision.

“ _That’s sudden. Why?_ ”

“I… have to. I can’t stay here. It’s not… good for me to stick around anymore. I have to do it for myself.”

A partial lie, but not completely. He’s doing better than he thought he would.

“ _Okay_ ,” Gou says slowly. “ _Where are you going?_ ”

“Tokyo.”

“ _Will you come back and visit?_ ”

The question hits harder than Kisumi had expected, and he sighs heavily from the impact. It’s difficult to say goodbye even over the phone, but it’s preferable. Gou is a dear friend Kisumi is definitely going to miss after having left Iwatobi, but he has to stay resolute. This is for the best.

“I don’t know,” he answers truthfully. “We can still keep in touch, if you want, though.”

Gou scoffs. “ _I’d hope so. I’m gonna miss you, you know._ ”

“I’ll miss you too, Gou. Please… tell the others. And tell them I’m sorry.”

“ _… I will. Take care of yourself, Kisumi. Okay?_ ”

Kisumi smiles a little. “I’ll try.”

* * *

The air in Tokyo definitely isn’t as crisp and fresh as it is in Iwatobi, but there’s still something about it that makes Kisumi like it. There’s so many opportunities in Tokyo that it makes his head spin, and it’s a very liberating feeling. He’s able to essentially start his life over now that he’s in the capital of Japan where no one knows him besides Katsumi, and he’s strangely enough looking forward to it.

It should’ve been expected, but Kisumi ends up working at Katsumi’s real estate agency shortly after settling down in Tokyo. The job pays well, he gets to know new people, and it’s a job where he gets to move around a lot. He realises that it’s probably the perfect job to properly get him thinking about other things, and maybe sometime in the future he’ll look elsewhere.

Kisumi has yet to properly address his grief and feelings of guilt, and it hits him one night after a particularly bad nightmare that maybe he should deal with it sooner rather than later. He starts looking into therapists around his area to make the search less daunting, and after a bunch of research finds a therapist he’s interested in. A short phone call later, he’s booked his first of what will turn out to be many, but thankfully not all that expensive, appointments.

Like he’d promised Gou, he stays in touch with her and eventually Makoto and Rin, too. Through them, Kisumi learns that Sousuke moved away from Iwatobi, too, but that his move was done without him letting _anyone_ know. Makoto had apparently gone over to Sousuke and Haruka’s house one day only to find it completely empty. Suddenly, Kisumi feels a lot better about having decided to at least call Gou and let her know about _his_ move.

He wonders where Sousuke went, though. It isn’t hard to figure out _why_ Sousuke would move, but Kisumi can’t help but worry about him. He tells himself that Sousuke’s a grown adult and that he can make his own decisions; therefore, Kisumi shouldn’t worry about him.

(It’s a lot easier said than done.)

Time passes, the seasons change, but Kisumi can’t quite grow accustomed to living in Tokyo. He wonders if maybe his motives for moving weren’t strong enough, if maybe he just wasn’t meant to take that big leap out into the unknown. Katsumi notices Kisumi’s discomfort as well, but as stubborn as Kisumi is, he keeps a smile plastered to his face and tells his uncle that everything is fine.

He pretends that everything is fine until one day things aren’t fine anymore. Things may just be worse. It isn’t that his therapy sessions aren’t working—he’s definitely changed the way he sees some things, and he’s learnt to deal with his grief and those pesky feelings of guilt—but since Kisumi clearly didn’t move to Tokyo with the right mindset, sticking around just isn’t helping. He misses his friends, and while moving back will definitely remind him of Haruka, it’s probably the right thing to do, anyway.

So, Kisumi moves back, just about a year after Haruka’s passing. He doesn’t get the exact same apartment he had before he moved, but he still lives in the same building, which is nice. Rin, Gou, and Makoto welcome him back, and it almost felt like he never moved in the first place.

Until Kisumi sees Rin, who brings some very unexpected news.

“Listen, Kisumi… Gou went to Hyogo the other day, and she saw Sousuke.”

Kisumi looks up from his noodle bowl, and feels his heartrate temporarily speed up. Suddenly, it’s a lot harder to breathe. “Did she?”

“Yeah. And… well, she convinced him to move back.”

“Oh.”

Now, Kisumi wonders if maybe moving back was such a good idea, after all. What would’ve been worse, staying in Tokyo when he knew Iwatobi is where he _should_ be, or staying in Iwatobi even after learning Sousuke’s moving back, too?

Rin furrows his eyebrows slightly, and he lowers his gaze. “I didn’t know he was coming back before you did.”

“It’s fine. Would you have told me to stay in Tokyo otherwise?” When Rin doesn’t respond, Kisumi smiles. “Rin, it’s okay. Things like these… happen, obviously. I may just be really unlucky.”

“So, what are you gonna do?”

“… You know, I feel like you’ve asked me this before. The truth is that I don’t know. We’ll see what happens.”

And then, Sousuke returns. Seeing him again after all this time, seeing what became of Sousuke and what he did to himself in the year he spent away from Iwatobi is… painful. Spending time with him is painful, but Kisumi tries to endure it to the best of his abilities. Staying away didn’t help to rid him of his feelings, maybe spending _too_ much time around Sousuke will.

So Kisumi offers to help Sousuke find a place to live, and they go to look at apartments together. Kisumi keeps up a façade in front of Sousuke, pretending to the best of his abilities to be like he used to be before everything changed. And eventually, it starts feeling a little bit more natural, and he doesn’t have to put in too much effort.

With time, many things are possible to change, it seems.

And indeed, with time, many things do change. Gradually, Sousuke warms up to his friends again, and there are more and more occasions on which Kisumi sees him. And the more they see each other, the more Kisumi starts to lose control over his feelings and of his self-restraint. It’s not all gone, and that’s evidenced by the tiny voice in the back of his head that sometimes speaks up.

When Rin tells Kisumi about how Sousuke isn’t sleeping, Kisumi ignores the voice in the back of his head, and takes a chance. The more he thinks about it, the more he realises that it can’t hurt to just… _try_. If he’s rejected, then he’ll know. And if he throws himself into the fire now, it’ll be all that much sooner that he can move on if he _is_ rejected. Otherwise, this might just never end.

It’s only when he’s gotten way too carried away that he gets caught.

“What the hell are you _doing_?!”

Kisumi raises his eyebrows. “I already told you, I’m Sousuke’s sleep therapist. Something or someone’s gotta help him sleep, you know.”

“I didn’t tell you about Sousuke’s insomnia so you could use it to your advantage, Kisumi,” Rin hisses. “That’s really fucking dirty.”

“Why is it, though? It’s a win-win situation: he gets to sleep, I might get _him_ , what’s the harm in it? And if he rejects me, then that’s it. I don’t know why you’re so upset about this.”

“Because you can’t _do_ this, Kisumi.”

Kisumi sighs irritably. “Just say what you’re really thinking, Rin.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s because I’m not Haru, isn’t it?”

Kisumi almost regrets the words after they leave his lips, and even more so when he sees the expression on Rin’s face. But Kisumi doesn’t take it back, because ultimately, that’s what he guesses is Rin’s reason for being like this with Sousuke.

“Let Sousuke figure shit out on his own. You should take a step back, for both of your sakes.”

Kisumi is about to fire back a response, but Sousuke walks in on them right then, which makes Kisumi glad he hadn’t heard anything else. To prevent the situation from getting worse, he leaves Sousuke’s apartment, and while he hasn’t given up yet, Kisumi decides to put things on ice for now. It’s for the best.

* * *

For Christmas, Rin and Makoto host a gathering at their house. Rin is in charge of cooking with help from Gou, and Makoto has for once gone all-out on cleaning the house. Normally, Rin says, Makoto isn’t too keen on cleaning, but when he knows guests are coming over, something just seems to come over him, and he enters some sort of feral beast mode. Hearing about it makes Kisumi fear Makoto, and he makes a mental note to not piss off Makoto around the holidays.

Originally, Kisumi had planned on declining the invitation and staying in, but Gou talked him into going to the party in the end. It isn’t easy to give both yourself and someone else space if you keep seeing each other, but since Kisumi doesn’t have a choice, he instead decides to just take things as they come. Not forcing anything, just letting things happen on their own.

“See? It’s not that bad,” Gou murmurs over the rim of her glass. “You could’ve missed out on this.”

Kisumi sighs. “Yeah, yeah.”

“You can’t just avoid him, you know. He’s not dumb. A little slow, maybe, but not dumb.”

He glances at Gou by his side. “Rin told you?”

“No,” Gou says with a snort. “I could tell from miles away. I just didn’t feel like it was necessary to tell you that I know.”

So he really is that easy to read. Kisumi wonders if he’s gotten worse at hiding things over the years, or if it’s because they all get to know each other more as time goes on. It’s probably the latter, but regardless it doesn’t make him happy.

“For the record,” she continues, “I don’t think you should give up. Maybe not be all up in his face, but… I mean, it doesn’t take a psychiatrist to tell Sousuke’s been through a lot and that he’s still working through things. But I think he needs someone, and you’re the best candidate. A good match for him.”

Kisumi raises his eyebrows, looking at Rin coming out of the kitchen carrying a big pot. The entire house smells wonderful. “Huh. You and Rin give off completely opposite messages, you know.”

Gou rolls her eyes. “Well, you get to choose whose advice you follow, then. I’m saying I think you’ll both need it, and that you’ll be good for each other.”

“I… okay.”

“Subtle things work best, in my opinion, and it probably suits Sousuke best, too. The rest is up to you, ‘cause I already had my project, and it was to get Sousuke to move back home and stop being an angsty teenager. Not gonna help you both, since you’re both a lot of work.”

Now, Kisumi smiles. “Fine. Thanks, Gou.”

“Sure.”

She offers him a smile back, and then leaves his side to go help Rin set the table. Sousuke and Makoto are sitting on the couch, having a conversation about something that makes Makoto a thousand times more enthusiastic. Sousuke doesn’t look like he’s disinterested, though. Seeing everything like this makes Kisumi’s heart ache as he misses Haruka. It makes him wonder how Sousuke’s feeling, but he knows it’s better for them to be together like this during the holidays rather than being alone, since missing Haruka will get so much worse otherwise.

Kisumi heads out into the hallway where Rin and Makoto keep a shrine for Haruka. He sits down on his knees in front of it, and takes out an incense stick to light. The photo of Haruka is one of the very few ones in which he smiles. He looks genuinely happy, and though he isn’t looking directly at the camera, it’s a great photograph only Makoto could’ve captured. Kisumi remembers the day it was taken, and it brings a little smile to his face.

“Happy Christmas, Haru,” he says after lighting the incense. “I haven’t been to visit you in a while, but I promise I will, soon.”

The only ones who have regularly visited Haruka’s grave are Makoto, Rin, and Gou. Kisumi hasn’t been since the funeral, and he assumes the same goes for Sousuke. He knows it’ll be tough seeing Haruka’s headstone again, being reminded of the fact that Haruka’s really gone and that he hasn’t just gone on a very long trip somewhere. But he also _wants_ to visit Haruka, because they were good friends despite Kisumi’s personal issue, and he hopes it’ll help ease some of his grief a bit.

Someone clearing his throat behind Kisumi makes him turn around, and he sees Sousuke.

“Hey,” he says. “I smelled the incense and figured you’d be here.”

“Would be spooky otherwise.”

Sousuke laughs softly. “Yeah. I was gonna go get you for dinner, by the way.”

“Ah, okay.”

He turns his attention back to Haruka’s framed photo again, silently wishing Haruka is truly resting in peace now, and then he gets up off the floor. As he makes a move to head into the dining room, though, Sousuke doesn’t follow.

“Are you coming?” Kisumi asks. “Since you came to get _me_ , I mean.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right out.”

Kisumi nods, and decides to leave Sousuke alone. Now more than before does Kisumi suspect Sousuke hasn’t been to Haruka’s grave since the funeral, and that maybe he needs to visit sometime soon. It isn’t any of Kisumi’s business, of course, so he tries not to think about it too much and instead joins the others by the dinner table.

There’s so much food on the table that Kisumi knows to expect an invitation tomorrow to come help finish the leftovers. Probably the day after, too. He wouldn’t mind it, really, because every single thing he’s tried that Rin put on the table in front of them has been delicious. With Rin having travelled more than any of the others, his influences are obvious in the dishes presented. It’s very exciting to try something new, and not just have cake on Christmas Day like they usually do.

“You really outdid yourself, Rin,” Gou says. “This is great.”

“Truth is, I completely miscalculated how many were gonna be here. That’s why there’s so much food.”

Makoto snort-laughs. “We’ll be having this for weeks from now. Not that I’m complaining, I suppose.”

With dinner over, Kisumi insists on taking care of doing the dishes afterward as thanks. It takes a little convincing and help from Makoto, but Kisumi manages to keep Rin out of the kitchen, thankfully, as he successively brings plates upon plates and cutlery into the kitchen to stack on the counter. He actually likes doing the dishes, because it’s strangely therapeutic, especially after a big dinner like this one. Seeing it all getting cleaned up and put away feels like an achievement even if Kisumi did none of the cooking.

Soon enough, he knows they’re having dessert, at which point he’ll be shooed out of the kitchen again. But for now, Kisumi takes his time in cleaning up and making the kitchen look like less of a mess than it was before he entered.

He turns around to head back out again and grab more dishes, but walks right into Sousuke who’s entering the kitchen with some serving bowls and plates in his arms.

“Oops, coming through,” he says. “Should’ve said something sooner.”

Kisumi blinks, dumbfounded. “What are you doing?”

Sousuke laughs. “Helping? I felt bad letting you do everything by yourself. I think I owe Rin this more than you do. Let me help you.”

“Uh, sure,” Kisumi says. “As long as you’re not gonna shoo me out of here.”

“Nah, I know I can’t make you budge.”

He’s not too sure if this is a reputation he should be proud to have, but Kisumi rolls with it, anyway. It’s not his kitchen, so he doesn’t have any right to kick Sousuke out. Besides, it’s nice not having to stand there doing the dishes all by himself, actually getting to talk to someone while doing chores. It’s not something he gets to do otherwise since he lives alone, and he kind of misses it.

For being a man of few words, though, Sousuke… talks. It’s odd, but nice, especially since it’s just him and Kisumi in the kitchen. Awkward silence is near the top of Kisumi’s dislike list, and though he’s usually good at getting rid of awkward silences among good friends, he still doesn’t like having to make the effort.

“You know, just because I work in a kitchen doesn’t automatically mean I magically appear in the kitchen at every gathering. ‘Sides, Rin really wanted to cook this time around, and you know how he is with guests helping around the house.”

Kisumi hums a laugh. “Fair enough. I wish I was a better cook.”

“You can always learn; there’s this wonderful concept called ‘recipes’.”

“Oh, ha ha.”

Sousuke, however, looks dead serious. “If you follow recipes, you can’t really go wrong. I mean that. What’s your excuse, Kisumi?”

“Lack of time and lack of interest in _making_ time for cooking. I’m too lazy.”

“That doesn’t go together with your previous statement about wanting to be a better cook.”

“Not wanting to make time to become a better cook, and just wanting to become a better cook are two separate things.”

Sousuke directs a slow blink at Kisumi. “… I stopped listening halfway through that sentence.”

Kisumi jokingly elbows Sousuke in the side. “Thanks. I’m gonna go grab the last few things on the table.”

He heads out and passes by Rin who’s on his way into the kitchen. They exchange a smile and a nod, and Kisumi heads on over to the dining room table where Makoto and Gou are still sitting down and conversing. Maybe Sousuke won’t mind if Kisumi stops for a quick chat.

“Kisumi, you really don’t have to do all of this. You’re a _guest_.”

Kisumi waves Makoto off. “Oh, I’m not a guest anymore, you know that. Besides, I don’t mind! It’s just a silly way of me saying thank you for inviting me over for dinner.”

Gou leans over to Kisumi on her elbow. “Makoto’s actually happy about it, because it saves him from having to do the dishes.”

“That’s not even remotely true, Gou!”

Laughing, Kisumi walks back towards the kitchen again with the dishes he’ll wrap up and put into the fridge for Rin and Makoto to save. He’s kind of jealous that they’ll have all of this food to eat probably for days. The worst thing about food according to Kisumi is having to constantly think about what to eat. He knows that the solution is to make bigger meals and store portions in the freezer for some other day, but then again, there’s the time aspect and also having enough interest to actually cook these meals.

Something’s definitely missing here and Kisumi is overlooking it on purpose.

He enters the kitchen where Sousuke and Rin seem to be in a more serious conversation than Gou and Makoto had been out in the dining room.

“Why not?”

“Rin, forget it. I’m not gonna date Kisumi.”

Kisumi stops, and raises his eyebrows slightly. Had he been in less control of his movements, he would’ve probably dropped whatever he has in his hands onto the floor and made Rin and Sousuke aware of his presence in a very loud way. But Kisumi holds onto the serving platter as he clears his throat instead and walks in further to put said plate down.

“Kisumi…”

“It’s fine,” he says. “I’m gonna go. Thanks for dinner, Rin.”

Kisumi turns on his heel and marches out of the kitchen into the hallway. He ignores Makoto and Gou’s confused calling of his name, and quickly gets dressed before exiting Makoto and Rin’s house. He knew it deep down, but some naïve, blind part of Kisumi still wished that maybe there was a chance. Obviously, that isn’t the case here, and instead, Kisumi has been making a fool of himself for far too long now.

Not even seconds after he’s closed the door behind him and started walking down the street, Kisumi hears a door open and hurried footsteps approach him from behind.

“Kisumi, wait.”

Kisumi narrows his eyes, but he doesn’t stop. “Don’t follow me, Sousuke.”

“Let me explain, okay? Just… stop. Please.”

Kisumi hates the way that ‘please’ sounds and what it does to his poor, tattered heart. But he still stops walking, reluctantly, and he turns around to face Sousuke who stops far too close to him.

“You know, there’s nothing for you to explain, because I think you were pretty clear back there. And yes, I lied to you when I said I don’t like you, because I do. God, I must be really fucking crazy.”

Sousuke furrows his eyebrows. “Kisumi, you’re not crazy—”

“Sousuke, I pretended to be a sleep therapist to seduce you.”

“… Okay, that’s a little crazy.”

Kisumi sighs irritably. “Well, don’t worry, because I’m not gonna keep chasing after you anymore. Congrats. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell I was _thinking_.”

“Listen, before you get too ahead of yourself… what I said back there had absolutely nothing to do with you. I didn’t mean to specify dating _you_ , I was talking in a more general sense.”

“Why?” Kisumi asks, and he snorts. “Because you were hellbent on revenge for so long and never felt anything but that, and now that’s gone, so you feel empty and don’t know how to feel anything for anyone—let alone me?”

Sousuke opens his mouth and then closes it again briefly. He looks like he’s just dropped down on Earth coming from another planet. “… How do you _do_ that?”

Kisumi rolls his eyes. “Do what?”

“Say what I’m thinking before I’m thinking it.”

“Because I think and care about you,” Kisumi says, and now he’s not even afraid of admitting it, not hesitating on just laying all cards on the table. Sousuke obviously already knows, and there was only a matter of time before he did. If not tonight, then someday very soon. “And I think that, if you gave it a shot, you might feel something, too.”

Sousuke makes a face, and Kisumi wants to just delete Sousuke off the face of the planet with no trace of him ever having existed in the first place. “Kisumi, I…”

“What? Are you gonna tell me that you really like me as a friend?”

“… Maybe?”

At that, Kisumi throws his hands up with another exasperated sigh, and then proceeds to continue walking down the street back home. He knew it all along, and yet Kisumi continued on his hopeless battle for Sousuke’s affection and attention. It’s safe to say that Kisumi has finally learnt his lesson. Don’t ever pursue someone like Sousuke, because it’s only going to lead to an emotional rollercoaster and subsequently whiplash.

* * *

Said whiplash feels more like a hangover; an emotional hangover, if those exist. Kisumi feels like the world around him is muted: the colours and sounds of his surroundings are more muted, as if there’s some sort of grey filter over everything. It’s probably not just because it’s a cloudy and rainy day, either. Kisumi knows he’s being overly dramatic and that this is probably why he feels this way, but he allows himself to be upset for a little bit. Some stupid part of him is hoping for catharsis of epic proportions once Kisumi has learnt to let go for good.

It’s funny, he realises, because he certainly isn’t the only one seeking catharsis, for one reason or another.

Kisumi survives a short trip to and from the grocery store, and then he sulks in a near-scalding hot bath for a good hour. It’s nice, and helps him relax a little, even if it’s mostly on a physical level. His shoulder and back muscles relax in the hot water, but most of the emotional heaviness still remains, which he still chooses to call an emotional hangover. He feels sluggish when getting out of the tub despite having soaked in there for so long, and the only thing he has energy to do afterwards is to put on a big shirt and sweatpants, and throw himself onto his bed again.

Packing up and moving again isn’t an option, because Kisumi knows that it would have to be permanent at that point. No one, not even he himself, would have the patience or understanding for such a reckless action again. Besides, he knows that moving for a stupid reason like that is the worst thing he can do. Staying in Iwatobi where he knows he’ll bump into Sousuke isn’t easier, sure, but with time, Kisumi can probably learn to get over Sousuke and hang out with him like a normal friend again. He’s sort of been able to do it before, so it should be possible again.

The dumb thing is that there’s a ‘should’ in there that Kisumi would love to get rid of, but can’t, because it wouldn’t be realistic.

“Hey, Kis?”

He doesn’t feel like answering, but the sudden voice calling out _does_ make Kisumi jolt. He doesn’t even remember having left the door to his apartment unlocked when he’d gotten back from the grocery store. Good thing Kisumi lives in a safe neighbourhood where he can at least trust his neighbours, and that he doesn’t have any enemies that want to see him dead.

“Hey, can I come in? Are you decent?”

He scoffs silently to himself. “Not morally, no. But I’m wearing clothes, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Rin laughs. “At least you can still joke around. That’s a good sign. Can I come in?”

Kisumi shrugs to no one but himself. If Rin has gotten this far into his apartment, he isn’t leaving until he’s gotten what he wants, whatever that can be.

“Sure,” he sighs. “Feel free to gloat and mock me as much as you want, if you’re here.”

“Normally I’d be a little pissed you think that’s what I’m here for, but I’ll let it slide for this time.” Now, Rin has actually entered Kisumi’s bedroom, though Kisumi still has his back turned to the door, so he can’t see his unexpected and uninvited guest. “So. You’re just gonna lie here and be miserable, huh?”

“None of your business.”

The bed dips a little as Rin sits down on the other end of it. “No, maybe not. But I don’t like to see my friends upset.”

“I thought that’s what you wanted considering what you and Sousuke were talking about yesterday.”

Rin scoffs. “If you’d walked in sooner, I actually told Sousuke that I think you’d be a good match, because you’re kind, thoughtful, smart, and good-looking.”

“No.”

“I did! And not to be your wingman or anything, I wouldn’t do that if you didn’t ask. Just because that’s what I think. Honestly.”

Kisumi rolls his eyes. “Well, you heard him, didn’t you? He’s not gonna date me. End of story.”

“So you’re just gonna give up.”

“That’d be the sensible thing to do here, right? I’m done chasing him, Rin. Obviously he’s not interested.”

A slight pause, and Kisumi almost believes himself to have won their argument for that short moment. But then, Rin speaks again. “I thought you knew him better than that, not to mention with you having studied psychology stuff. It’s not that he isn’t interested, he just… doesn’t know how to get into the whole thing again.”

“You mean dating.”

“That’s what I mean, yeah.”

“Well, I’m not gonna push any further. That’s just a recipe for disaster—not just for me, but for him, too.”

Rin sighs. “I’m not telling you to push Sousuke into doing things. I’m just saying you should be patient. I never took you for someone who gave up.”

“Don’t you dare play mind tricks on me, Rin.”

“I’m not!” Rin defends himself. “I said it before, didn’t I? I’m on your side as well as his. And I think you’d be good for each other, in time.”

Kisumi gets a very brief déjà vu feeling, as if he and Rin have had this conversation before. It takes him an extra second to realise that they have, and not too long ago, at that. Hopefully, this is the last time he talks to Rin about this ever, or he’ll start going crazy over it. It probably won’t help the credibility of Rin telling Kisumi that he’s on both sides if this happens again, because the more often they have this talk, the more Kisumi is going to believe that Rin is just on Sousuke’s side in all of this.

He knows that it probably isn’t easy to try and be equally on both people’s side in an issue that really doesn’t concern Rin. Kisumi would be lying if he said he isn’t glad he’s gotten a bit of a motivational push and some advice, but he still has to admit that it’s a little weird. He knows his friends are like that by nature—Makoto, Rin, and Gou alike—that they just can’t help but stick their noses into things that don’t concern them, and that they’re just doing it because they care.

Of course, the same kind of goes for Kisumi who just _had_ to try and fix Sousuke’s insomnia. Maybe he doesn’t have the right to tell his people to back off unless he does so himself.

“Fine,” Kisumi says, “in time. Well, in that case… can you do something for me?”

Rin raises his eyebrows. “What is it?”

Kisumi gets up from his bed and walks over to his desk. On said desk, he’s placed a box of herbal tea he was initially going to give to Sousuke after he’d found it the other day in one of the new age-shops downtown. The lady behind the counter had recommended it because it apparently puts people to sleep ‘faster than you can empty your cup’, and while the tea flavours Kisumi had gotten for Sousuke will definitely help people get to sleep, Kisumi found out that this particular kind apparently works wonders.

But then _this_ happened, and now Kisumi can’t face Sousuke himself without running the risk of him distancing himself from Kisumi even further. Maybe it was a good thing Rin came over after all, so Kisumi now has an opportunity to give the herbal tea to Sousuke indirectly.

“Here,” he says as he hands over the box. “It’s herbal tea that’s supposed to knock you out and help you sleep all throughout the night. I would give it to him myself, but after what happened last night, I think it’s better if someone else does it.”

Rin looks down at the box, and he briefly shows a facial expression Kisumi can’t quite identify, but it looks anything but positive. “You should give it to him yourself.”

“I already told you I can’t.”

“It doesn’t have to be what you’re afraid of. Just give it to him as a concerned friend who just wants him to be able to get some goddamn sleep.”

Kisumi frowns. “Then you might as well—”

“God, for someone this smart, you can be really stupid sometimes.”

“I know exactly what you mean, Rin. Think of it this way: you get badly burnt, and for a long time after, you’re scared and overly careful around fire.”

Rin shrugs. “Sure, you could be, but now you know what happens if you’re careless. Now you have the _experience_.”

“What if you’d gotten third-degree burns?”

“… That analogy of yours didn’t actually work, now that I think about it.”

Kisumi snorts. “Fine.”

“Good luck,” Rin says, and he starts heading out the door. Just as he’s about to turn the corner in the hallway towards the front door, he stops. “I mean that.”

“Thanks.”

It’s a little difficult to motivate himself to head over to Sousuke’s, though, and it reminds Kisumi of his odd analogy about getting burnt and being scared of fire afterwards. He doesn’t know how to approach this without giving Sousuke the wrong idea, even though it technically isn’t the wrong idea because Kisumi still has romantic feelings… it’s too complicated and only makes this seemingly trivial thing more difficult to do.

But now that Kisumi stands outside Sousuke’s apartment, it’s kind of a little bit too late to turn back and go home again. So he takes a deep breath to prepare himself as best he can, and then he rings the doorbell. As soon as he does, his heart starts hammering in his chest, and Kisumi almost feels dizzy from it.

When Sousuke opens the door, Kisumi has to struggle to not defend himself immediately. Instead, he forces a smile, and a greeting.

“Hey. Can I come in for a minute? I promise I won’t be long.”

“Sure,” Sousuke says, looking surprised. “Come in.”

It’s no wonder he looks surprised; only a fool would go back to a guy who they’d gotten rejected by the very night before. This whole thing is probably dumb and Kisumi wonders why he let Rin talk him into doing this himself.

He only stops in the hallway, and holds out the box of tea towards Sousuke. “I know I’m not your sleep therapist anymore, and this isn’t me trying to seduce you again. But… I found this tea that’s supposed to be _very_ effective in terms of sleep. Like, several times better than the tea I’ve forced onto you. Probably better tasting, too.”

Sousuke eyes the box, but he doesn’t look suspicious or disgusted. Rather, he still looks as surprised as he did when he’d opened the door and found Kisumi on his doorstep.

“Oh. Well, thanks, Kisumi.”

He turns around to go and put the box down. Kisumi grimaces, and turns on his heel, immediately regretting coming over.

“What the hell am I doing,” he mutters, and heads for the door again.

“Hey, wait,” Sousuke says. “I actually wanted to talk to you. About yesterday… well, not just that. I think you’ve got this idea that you’re this… strange person who has to trick or deceive people into liking you, and that’s not true. You’re… you’re actually really amazing, Kisumi.”

If it was racing before, Kisumi’s heart just stopped beating. The thing is, he doesn’t feel dead as he probably should be if that were the case. “… What?”

“Yeah. You’re really smart, you’re great at making people smile and laugh, and you’re a good person. Honestly, I kind of wish I felt something for you.”

The fire burnt him, and it really hurt, but Kisumi might not be that scared to get close to fire again, apparently, as he turns around to face Sousuke. He really doesn’t have anything to lose at this point, so he might as well jump back into the fire if it didn’t teach him a lesson tough enough the first time.

“Kiss me, then,” he says.

“What?”

He really doesn’t have anything to lose.

“Kiss me. I think there’s something there; if we kissed and you felt something, too, then that just means I’m right. If I’m wrong, I won’t bring this up again.”

Sousuke looks about as stunned as Kisumi would expect him to be. “I, uh… can’t… argue with that. I suppose.”

“Just one kiss.”

“Alright.”

Kisumi takes a step in Sousuke’s direction, and Sousuke walks closer to him, too. They stop just a few inches away from each other, and Kisumi realises he hasn’t been this close to Sousuke before apart from when they shared a bed not that long ago. This is different, though. Funny, considering how Kisumi had originally come to Sousuke’s with the friendly intention of just handing over some tea, and now they’re here.

It’s a relief to Kisumi when he notices Sousuke is taking about as much initiative to instigate the kiss as he is. The few seconds that pass before their lips meet feel like minutes, but then time just stops. Sousuke’s lips are warm but a little chapped against Kisumi’s, and it’s an almost intoxicating feeling. Strangely, it feels just the way Kisumi had expected it to, kissing Sousuke. The way Sousuke’s lips feel is oddly on point for him.

But then time starts moving again, Kisumi’s bubble bursts, and he realises that this isn’t a good idea. He pulls back, and instantly feels the wave of regret wash over him like a bucket of ice cold water.

“Sorry,” he whispers, and backs away, proceeding to exit Sousuke’s apartment. He really wishes he’d been able to convince Rin to deliver the tea instead.


	11. the outcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the year brings about a big get-together and a little surprise.

The morning after Kisumi had come over, Sousuke wakes up in his bed with a cup of cold tea on his nightstand. Most of this doesn’t sound out of the ordinary at all, but for Sousuke, it’s very unusual.

 _He slept_.

Sousuke rubs the last remnants of sleep out of his eyes, yawns, and reaches for his phone on his nightstand. He remembers having made the cup of tea and put it on his nightstand to drink while reading a book, but the book is now on the floor, and the tea is untouched. It makes him wonder if maybe just the aroma wafting from the tea put him to sleep. If that’s the case, Kisumi must’ve bought some really powerful stuff wherever it is he went.

He gets out of bed, grabs his tea and heads out into the kitchen to pour it out in the sink. Then he takes a shower, and finally deals with the message he’d gotten from Rin the night before. Sousuke had only read the notification but put off opening said message since he knows it wouldn’t be all that important without a missed call or four attached to it.

With a towel around his neck and his hair still dripping from the shower, Sousuke grabs his phone, and instead of messaging back, calls Rin.

“Hey.”

“ _Oh good, you’re alive. Got a little worried when you didn’t open the door last night_.”

Only then does Sousuke remember the screwdriver Rin had borrowed and said he’d come to return yesterday. Apparently, Rin’s new year’s resolution is to make some home improvements, which has worried Makoto more than just a little. Sousuke doesn’t see either of them as handy with tools or decorating, so he understands Makoto’s worry and knows it’s probably only a matter of time before they ask Kisumi for help.

“Right, sorry. I, uh, guess I fell asleep? I don’t remember when, but I actually woke up this morning and feel okay.”

“ _Huh. So, is it safe to assume you’re cured?_ ”

Sousuke shrugs to himself. “I… don’t know. Too early to say, probably.”

“ _What happened?_ ”

“I wish I knew. Kisumi gave me some herbal tea he said was going to help, but I didn’t even drink it.”

_I think there’s something there; if we kissed and you felt something, too, then that just means I’m right._

Sousuke suddenly recalls Kisumi’s words from last night, and it makes his heart skip a beat. He frowns, and shakes his head.

“ _Weird. Well, congratulations; I’m glad you finally got some sleep. Hey, while I have you on the phone. What’re you doing for New Year’s?_ ”

The week between Christmas and New Year’s is apparently surprisingly dead in Iwatobi in terms of people visiting local businesses like restaurants and shops. Sousuke spends a lot of time leaning against the windowsill in the kitchen, looking bored out at people passing by. Every once in a while, a server comes in with an order, and he actually gets to work. But the restaurant is apparently gaping empty, so it isn’t as if the waiting staff have much to do, either.

Even though it’s gotten colder, they still don’t have any snow (and Sousuke hopes they won’t, ever), so Sousuke is still able to go for his semi-regular jogs or runs. Many times, he’s accompanied by Rin or Sei, too, which is always welcome. He’s realised that having someone with him really helps with the motivation to work out.

New Year’s will be celebrated down by the beach and at Sei’s house, as he lives closest to said beach. These holiday celebrations hadn’t come to Sousuke’s mind until Makoto and Rin brought them up, mostly because Sousuke hadn’t celebrated a single holiday since fleeing Iwatobi. Though he hasn’t been away for _all_ big holidays, he’s definitely missed some, and that’s why it feels a little strange to be invited to these get-togethers.

“So how are you doing, anyway? I don’t know if that’s still a loaded question, but I have to ask.”

Sousuke huffs a laugh, and his exhale comes out as a cloud in the chilly air. “I’m doing okay. Been able to sleep, at least.”

Sei hums, sounding almost impressed. “Hey, that’s still progress. Got worried there for a while—well… I _have_ been. But I’m glad things are going better for you.”

“Thanks.”

He kind of wants to ask if Sei is still thinking about taking action against Aki with the whole Minami Kazuki-situation. At the same time, Sousuke knows that if he asks, he might as well just open a can of worms and get a similar effect. In fact, he might just remind Sei if it’s been forgotten, and throw Aki under a moving bus. So even though he’s curious and a little worried, Sousuke lets his question stay unasked and unanswered.

“I assume work’s still going well?”

“Yeah,” Sousuke says. “Same old. But I like it.”

Sei laughs softly. “I think you need that considering what you did before this.”

“So now everyone knows, huh?”

“Well yes, pretty much. It wasn’t exactly gossip, more like… _concerned_ gossip?”

Sousuke snorts. “Yeah, that sounds so much better. Whatever, I guess I expected it.”

In all honesty, Sousuke’s put off telling Rin and Kisumi what he was _really_ doing in Hyogo because he doesn’t want the lectures he knows he’ll have to sit through as a consequence. Not just once, but twice. It gets really tiring after the second one, but that obviously isn’t the entire reason why Sousuke has yet to tell Kisumi and Rin himself. Well, apparently gossip took care of all of that for him, so now he assumes he doesn’t have to.

Thinking about it, maybe they took the news of his previous ‘profession’ better than Sousuke had expected. He knows Rin would have most likely picked a physical fight by now even if he’d only found out five minutes ago, and Rin would react stronger than anyone else. Sousuke tries to think about how he’d react if one of his friends were to have been in his situation, but he quickly dismisses the thought with an inner, dry laugh. It’s a good thing his friends are smarter than him most of the time.

He doesn’t know how it happens, but he assumes he must’ve forgotten to lock his door when coming home. Sousuke awakes to Kisumi standing by the side of his bed, but it’s not like in a scary movie where the room is dark and you can barely make out what the person looks like. Sousuke can clearly see it’s Kisumi, and his first thought is just that: did he forget to lock the door?

“Kiss me,” Kisumi says. “I think there’s something there; if we kissed and you felt something, too, then that just means I’m right. I know I’m not wrong.”

Sousuke lowers his eyebrows, confused. “We’ve already talked about this, and we already—wait. What?”

Kisumi smiles. He walks over to the side of Sousuke’s bed, and leans down over him. “I said I know I’m not wrong. Kiss me.”

Sousuke wants to kiss him.

Their lips meet, and Kisumi hums. Suddenly, Sousuke is wide awake and perfectly aware of what’s going on, and he doesn’t mind it. It makes his heart race, it’s exciting, and it’s new. Despite this, Sousuke doesn’t mind. He wants more of it, and is surprised by these sudden feelings of greed. Would it have been the same if Kisumi had rung the doorbell and Sousuke had to let him in?

Before he knows it, he’s left hanging when Kisumi pulls back and takes a step away from Sousuke’s bed. Sousuke can still feel the warmth lingering from Kisumi’s lips against his own.

“I told you so.”

Sousuke blinks, just once, and in that short moment, Kisumi is gone. He’s nowhere to be seen, and Sousuke has woken up from what he realises was a dream that made him a little bit more excited than he would’ve preferred now that he realises he’s alone and it’s in the middle of the night. Because now he’s pitching a tent, and he’s got to take care of it. At least he’s still got the memory of said dream still fresh in his mind to lend a helping hand.

* * *

He’s not sure if he should be happy or not, because even though Sousuke has regained his ability to sleep for more than five minutes, he’s clearly run into a new problem. A problem that doesn’t necessarily disrupt his sleep, but it certainly presents issues in other situations.

“… Hello? Earth to Sousuke? I thought you said you’ve been able to sleep for the past two nights.”

Sousuke flinches, and looks back at Gou. “Sorry. I, uh… had my mind elsewhere.”

“I could tell. Where _did_ your mind wander off to?”

Should he tell her? Who could he talk to about this, really, other than Gou? Even though she’ll likely tease him, Sousuke knows she’s probably the best person to talk to about weird things like these. Weird things Sousuke can’t identify by name.

“I kissed Kisumi. Well, he suggested it, so we kissed. And, uh…”

“And now you can’t stop thinking about him.”

Sousuke squirms in his seat. He really wishes they weren’t at a coffee shop and running the risk of people listening in on their conversation. “Well, yeah.”

“That’s so cute.”

“Gou, that’s not why I told you—”

She laughs and puts her hands up as a peace-offering gesture. “I know, I know. But it _is_ very cute, and he’s a good guy. Attractive, smart. So why not allow yourself this?”

“Yeah, I know, it’s just… a weird combo?”

Gou rolls her eyes. “It all boils down to how you feel unless you’re a dick who judges people solely based on their physical appearance. Look, after everything you’ve been through these past few months… shouldn’t you embrace it or at least be open to the possibilities?”

Once again, Sousuke thinks about Kisumi, but now he thinks about what Kisumi said regarding Sousuke having been incapable of feeling anything but anger and hatred towards Minami for so long that he forgot how to feel literally anything else _but_ that. He knows he’s definitely started feeling other things, he’s happier, and he’s finally started sleeping again. Things have changed, and they’re still changing.

“I guess so. It’s just that I don’t know if I’m ready for… that.”

“So take it slow,” Gou replies. “Just because you kissed once doesn’t mean you have to start dating and move in together immediately. Every relationship is different, romantic or not.”

Sousuke raises his eyebrows. “Wow, Gou. You know, sometimes your honesty really stings. But I think I needed it today; that and your advice.”

“I know you did. Keep these sessions up and I’ll have to start charging you.”

“I can take you out to dinner?”

“That works, too.”

New Year’s creeps ever so closer, and Sousuke looks forward to a few days off work. He doesn’t mind the busy days as opposed to the slower ones, because when he doesn’t have anything to do, Sousuke wants to _find_ something to do. And that isn’t easy when he works in a restaurant kitchen and he isn’t yet to the point where he’s allowed to use whatever free time he has to, say, come up with a new recipe or tweak existing ones. During busier days, Sousuke doesn’t have the time to think about these things, which can also be a good thing.

The day before the new year, Sousuke starts his day off a little late to make sure he doesn’t fall asleep before midnight. As usual, he starts his day with a cup of tea (he doesn’t dare going back to coffee yet until he’s been able to sleep every night for at least a week), breakfast, and enjoying these while scrolling on his phone through various news sites. He’s come to really like his kitchen and the view from the only window there, so now he spends most of his mornings sitting by said window and looking out at Iwatobi waking up for the day.

Sousuke has been put in charge of bringing things for the grill tonight, so he’s bought chicken and beef that he marinates and stores in the fridge before he leaves. Rin is in charge of sides, and Sei brings the actual grill down to the beach. It’s a different way of bringing in the new year, but Sousuke likes the idea. It doesn’t require any planning outside of the food department, and since they’ll mostly be on the beach, there’s no need for formal clothing. They _will_ have to wear jackets, though, as it is the end of December and it’ll be really cold at midnight.

Thinking back to his dream, Sousuke realises he hasn’t actually talked to Kisumi since the kiss. Now that they’ll be seeing each other tonight, the awkwardness they left things at when Kisumi last came over is definitely still going to be there, and there’s a risk it’ll be worse. What’s even more fantastic is the fact that everyone now knows, and Sousuke doesn’t dare think about what they’ll do with that knowledge. He knows that whatever they do, it’s out of concern and well-meaning, but that doesn’t mean he’s more okay with it.

He’s a grown-ass man, but Sousuke will admit to only himself and no one else that he’s a little apprehensive about going to their New Year’s get-together. He’s not scared that Kisumi is going to confront him in a way similar to how Rin likes to do confrontations, but there are other ways in which he can be afraid of being in the vicinity of Kisumi after what’s happened. Sousuke’s really screwed up, and he doesn’t know how to fix it, because historically, his ‘fixes’ have made things worse.

“Wow, you’ve really gone all-out for tonight, huh.”

Sousuke shrugs. “This is nothing, really. Gives you options.”

“I’ll say,” Gou replies with a little laugh. She closes his cooler again, and Sousuke lifts it up to put it in the back of his car. “Hey, thanks for picking me up.”

“No problem. Do you know who’s there already?”

“I have no idea. I’m guessing we’re gonna be later than most, though.”

“Eh, it’s fine. At least it’s not ten minutes to midnight.”

They get into the car, and Sousuke drives to Sei’s place. He’ll park the car here for tonight and come back tomorrow to get it, giving him a reason to go for a run as well. It may still be cold, but it’s not an excuse for Sousuke to keep him from getting regular exercise—well, unless he wakes up tomorrow with the worst hangover he’s ever had. In that case, maybe he’ll take the bus.

Sei’s voice booms loud as he welcomes Gou and Sousuke into his home upon their arrival. He gets impossibly happier when he takes Sousuke’s cooler from him and, like Gou, investigates its contents.

“As expected from a chef! This is great, Sousuke.”

“Glad you think so. It was nothing, really.”

And really, it wasn’t. The most effort Sousuke put into what he brought to the party was making his own marinade and cleaning up the meat before it got marinated. If anything, Sousuke’s ‘job’ for the night was the easiest compared to Rin and Gou. Speaking of Rin, Sousuke spots him in the living room with Makoto and Kisumi, and the second Sousuke sees the pink hair stand out among everything else, Sousuke almost wants to turn around and leave. But instead, he bats away his thoughts, and heads into the kitchen to put his stuff into the fridge until they leave.

“What a year, huh?”

Sousuke turns his head to the side, and he scoffs while rolling his eyes. “Thanks for contributing to making it more… interesting.”

“I know you’re thankful. So, you know, you’re welcome.”

He is, and while a long time ago he would’ve kept shut as to not give Gou the satisfaction of knowing she’s right like she always is—this time, things are a little different. “I am. So, you know, thanks.”

Gou laughs. She takes a sip from her glass, and sighs through her nose while leaning back on the couch. “You know, I wasn’t actually sure back then that I’d manage to get you to come with me to Iwatobi.”

“Really now,” Sousuke says. “With how forcing you can be?”

“Ha ha. Really, though, Sousuke; I mean, we hadn’t seen each other in an entire year. I had no idea how much you’d changed, how hellbent you were on actually staying in that shithole of a bar, wasting your life away fighting people and running a dirty rag across the tables. Apparently you at least had something in you that told you to come with me, which I’m glad for. But no, I wasn’t all that confident that my impromptu trip to Hyogo would pay off. I’m glad it did, though.”

Sousuke smiles. “Me too.”

He looks at the other part of their group sitting across from them in the living room, having an animated discussion which Sousuke has entirely missed the context of. It’s interesting to see how Makoto’s actually taking a bigger part of these kinds of social situations than he used to in the past—it shows Sousuke that even old dogs can learn tricks.

And he’ll be damned if that can’t apply to himself, as well.

Sousuke takes a large swig from his beer glass, and then he sets it down on the coffee table before he gets up off the couch. He still has no idea how the hell this is going to go, but if he doesn’t try, he won’t know. If he doesn’t take the jump, he’ll never find out what’s down below. He hopes for a soft landing, but prepares for worse.

“Kisumi, can I talk to you for a sec?”

It’s almost as if he’d pressed the pause button on a remote, because the heated discussion dies down faster than one could snap their fingers. Just before he pressed the pause button, Makoto, Rin, and Kisumi were discussing the end of a series Sousuke won’t admit to having watched all seasons of in the span of less than a week because of his insomnia. And now, six pairs of eyes are trained on him, and suddenly he feels uneasy, like he should back down.

“Sure,” Kisumi says, and Sousuke wonders briefly if someone opened a window because of how the temperature feels like it’s dropped in the room so suddenly.

Now that everyone knows, it probably isn’t that odd for Sousuke and Kisumi to slip away just the two of them for ‘a talk’, but that certainly doesn’t make it less awkward for Sousuke when he and Kisumi are alone in the kitchen, away from everyone. He breaks the record of how many times a person can change their mind in the span of a few long seconds while he carefully deliberates how to get their conversation started. There’s really no easy way, nor is there a wrong way unless he thinks with his ass.

“Listen,” he begins. “I’m sorry for having been an undecisive dick. I… really don’t know what to do, and—”

Kisumi interrupts him with a sigh. “Sousuke… let me go first. I should be the one to say I’m sorry.”

Sousuke raises his eyebrows. “Why?”

“Because of the other night, and because of Christmas. I know I’ve done nothing but push you, and I’m sorry for that. I just… wanted you to know how I feel. And it came out very wrong every single time.”

“Oh. Honestly, it’s fine. But me constantly pulling away from you isn’t okay. So I’m sorry for that.”

Kisumi shows the faintest hint of a smile lightly tugging at the corners of his lips. It’s a terrible moment for Sousuke to stop and think about how beautiful Kisumi is.

“Then I guess we’re both sorry.”

“Yeah.” He clears his throat, and breaks eye contact for long enough to mentally slap himself in the face. “Kisumi, I like you.”

Now it’s Kisumi’s turn to look surprised. “What?”

“I do, and it’s not because you told me how _you_ feel. I realised it a little while ago and had to try and figure out exactly what the hell it means. Because I’m not used to it.”

Kisumi smiles again, and this time, it’s a lot more obvious. “I get that, and it’s fine. You know… I think you have the wrong idea about what I want. Just because I like you and have done so for god knows how long doesn’t mean we have to get married tomorrow. It kind of just means that I want to use your body as my personal jungle gym and also that I want to be with you a little more often.”

Sousuke snorts, and feels his cheeks heat up. “Your what?”

“You heard me. Sousuke, we can take things as slow as you or I want. Whatever happens… happens,” Kisumi says, still smiling, and he shrugs.

“I… guess that’s a good way of seeing it.”

The metaphorical window from earlier must’ve been closed, because it doesn’t feel as chilly around Sousuke anymore. He feels a little braver now than before, and maybe it’s the beer talking, but he can’t help but want an encore performance of what happened the other night, and in his dream. So he closes the distance between them, and places a finger under Kisumi’s chin to softly pull him close. It tickles a little when their noses touch, but as their lips meet, Sousuke forgets all about it.

It feels a lot better now that they’ve sorted things out, and Sousuke is very relieved it went as smoothly as it did. Had he somehow screwed up even worse, they most certainly wouldn’t be here right now, because they’d probably be several metres apart refusing to look at each other. Well, Kisumi would be the more offended, as he’d have all the right to be.

Unfortunately, it seems like their little moment was frowned upon by the gods, as Sousuke’s phone starts ringing in his pocket way too soon into their kiss. He really regrets pulling away, but he also has no idea who would call him at this hour, and for some reason it makes him worried. His worries are joined by confusion as he sees Aki’s name on his screen.

“It’s Aki,” he mumbles more to himself than Kisumi, but Kisumi ends up hearing it, anyway.

“You should take it. We can always continue this later. Or maybe next year.”

Sousuke gives Kisumi a tired look. “That’s awful. Sorry, but I think I’ll have to take this.”

“It’s okay! I’ll see you out there in a bit.”

Kisumi disappears out of the kitchen, and Sousuke answers the call.

“Aki?” She doesn’t give him a coherent response, but instead, Sousuke hears her crying. “Hey, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“ _Sousuke, I… I’m so sorry. For everything. I got so caught up in this shit that I threw all fucking reason out the window. And now… now I’m realising how shitty everything turned out, and I regret_ —”

“Where are you?” he interrupts.

“ _Iwatobi station_.”

“Come to Sei’s.”

“ _No. I don’t want to rain on their parade. I came here to see you._ ”

Sousuke sighs. “I can’t just leave, Aki. Just come over, it’ll be fine.”

“ _I already told you why I don’t want to come_.”

“I know that. Trust me, you’d bring sunshine to the ‘parade’ as you call it, as cheesy as that sounds coming from me. Aki, just… come. Okay? I know you’re probably worried Sei’s gonna chew your head off, but I’ll talk to him.”

“… _Don’t you think the others are mad at me for what happened?_ ”

Sousuke looks out at his friends through the doorway, and he smiles to himself. “I don’t think so, no. It’ll be okay, I promise.”

Aki laughs and hiccups. It’s the first time Sousuke’s heard her laugh in a long time, and while it sounds foreign, he doesn’t find it weird. “ _You’ve become such a softie, Sousuke. Worse than before a year ago._ ”

“I’m in bad company. You should join and help even it out.”

“ _Fine. But if Seijuurou kicks me out, you owe me five thousand yen_.”

Sousuke huffs a quiet laugh. “And if he doesn’t? Do you owe _me_ five thousand?”

“ _No._ ”

“Wow.”

“ _Come out and meet me. I should be there in ten._ ”

Aki hangs up, and Sousuke briefly looks at his phone with mild shock and confusion. It’s been one hell of a year, and it certainly doesn’t seem to stop even on the very last day before a new year begins.

* * *

Sousuke walks back into the living room, making sure to make eye contact with Sei, who thankfully gets the hint. Instead of going back into the kitchen for more privacy, they stick to a corner of the living room away from the others.

“I know you’re gonna be mad, but just hear me out.”

Sei eyes Sousuke warily, and he hums. “Uh-huh. Continue.”

“Aki called, and I, uh, told her to come over. If you really don’t want her here, I can stand outside for a bit and talk to Aki, and then she’ll leave. But I’m asking you to give her another chance, because she… well, seems really sorry for everything.”

It’s a weird request that Sousuke really couldn’t have worded in any other way. It isn’t even a request for himself, it’s mostly for Aki, and for the others to see her again after so long. Aki needs it, and Sousuke is absolutely sure that his friends will want to reunite with her. Despite what she’s done, Sousuke can’t imagine her reintroduction to their friends to be worse than Sousuke’s was.

Sei crosses his arms over his chest, and he quickly lets his gaze sweep over the living room. “You know I’m not being like this because I like to. I really don’t. But I’m protective of my friends, and if someone puts a friend of mine in danger, I can’t easily forgive it. But if you say she seems sorry and if a possibly apology is heartfelt enough, then yes, I can learn to live with it. But I won’t forgive her, at least not anytime soon.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to.”

“And I’m not speaking for them, either,” Sei continues, glancing briefly at Rin and Gou, but obviously meaning all of their friends. “We’ll just have to see how they take it. I’ll give her a chance to explain, to apologise and be with us tonight, and then we’ll see.”

Sousuke nods. “Thanks.”

He quietly sneaks out of the house before the others notice, walking briskly towards Iwatobi’s train station. It’s a ten minute walk normally, but Sousuke knows he can cut that time in half if he keeps up the pace. It’s getting close to dinnertime, and they should probably start carrying their stuff down to the beach soon. Firing up the grill is going to take some time, and they obviously don’t want to rush something like food on New Year’s

Aki stands right outside of the entrance to the station, and she looks almost like an abandoned child, seeming almost shorter and smaller than Sousuke knows her to be. It’s very odd to see her like this when not that long ago, Aki had been nonchalant about a possible confrontation with Sei. He doesn’t have to ask to know Aki still feels hesitant about meeting her old friends again—Sousuke recognises it because he used to be the same way. He fought hard to keep them away, but in the end, it was all in vain as his reasons for keeping Gou and the others far away from him weren’t strong enough in the end.

No words are exchanged between them at first, all that happens is that Sousuke doesn’t stop walking until he takes Aki into his embrace. She squirms and makes a sound as if she’s uncomfortable, but Sousuke stays in place. He doesn’t care about potential passers-by wondering what the hell is going on, because he doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. Aki, however, probably cares, but she doesn’t make enough of an effort for Sousuke to understand she really doesn’t want this.

Eventually, Sousuke pulls away. He can still see signs of Aki having cried, mostly that her eyes are still a little red and puffy around the edges, and to him it’s a sign that maybe she really is sorry. Maybe even she can change.

“So what’d Seijuurou say?”

“That you’re welcome to spend the evening with us but he’s not gonna forgive you anytime soon for what happened.”

Aki lowers her eyebrows. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It all boils down to ‘we’ll see how it goes’, in his words. As long as you’re not being an ass tonight.”

“Wow,” Aki snorts. “Well, I think I can manage that. Rin and the others?”

“They don’t know, besides Kisumi I suppose, but I know they’ll be glad to see you.”

She narrows her eyes briefly, but then Aki relaxes her shoulders. “Fine.”

While the conversation is a little stiff on the way over to Sei’s house, at least they’re talking about things other than what brought them back together all those months ago. Sousuke doesn’t know if she’s completely left it behind, but as far as he can see and hear when they’re making conversation—no matter how awkward it is at first—she seems to mostly have put it behind her. None of them—not Aki or Sousuke, not their friends—will ever forget what happened in the past year, but they can learn to live with it and move forward.

For some reason it feels like Sousuke is about to introduce Aki to Makoto, Gou, Rin, Sei, and Kisumi for the first time. Judging by how her nervous exterior betrays her obvious attempts at seeming neutral, Sousuke would say Aki feels similarly about the whole thing. Even if they aren’t talking about the evening and what’s about to happen, they’re both thinking about it because it’s right around the corner. To be honest with himself, Sousuke is really just winging it and hoping for the best, though he has no idea how things will turn out.

As they’re walking up the street to Sei’s house, Sousuke notices Aki’s footsteps slowing down. He stops, and turns to look back at Aki.

“Sorry, I just… needed a moment.”

“Thought you weren’t nervous or scared.”

Aki glares at him. “Thanks for the support, asshole.”

Sousuke clears his throat, but says nothing more. He looks off to the side down towards the beach and the ocean. A few people have already started gathering on the beach, some are headed towards it. Thankfully, the more popular spot to view the fireworks is further up in town near Tajiri shrine, from which you can see the harbour and practically the entire prefecture. Having been to Tokyo now, seeing how crowded most places are even when it isn’t a holiday, Sousuke shudders at the thought of trying to find a good spot to celebrate holidays like these in the very capital of Japan.

Eventually, Sousuke and Aki start moving again, and as they arrive at the house, Sousuke enters first with Aki close behind. In the hallway, Sousuke almost bumps into Rin, who’s carrying Sousuke’s freezer box. He almost drops it with the surprise of running into Sousuke, and seeing who’s behind him.

“Aki?!”

“Hey,” Sousuke hears behind him. He takes a step to the side to let her come in proper, and takes his shoes off as the others start gathering to greet Aki.

Anyone would be overwhelmed by a situation in which they’re almost cornered by excited and surprised friends who come up to say hi. Sousuke, however, stays off to the side as Makoto comes and stands by his side.

“This was a nice surprise,” he says.

Sousuke eyes Makoto by his side, and then watches the others swarming Aki. “It wasn’t a surprise; I just invited her over when she called.”

“Ah. Well, it’s nice to see Aki again. How does she seem to be doing?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”

Makoto huffs a soft laugh. “Then I’ll wait until things have settled.”

Sousuke smiles, and he nods. It’s a good thing at least someone was courteous enough to give Aki some space. Gou, Rin, and Kisumi are all excitedly talking over each other and Aki is right in the centre of it seeming confused but maybe not as nervous anymore. At least not until Sei comes out to join them in the now crowded hallway. They were obviously about to start heading down to the beach, so they probably won’t stick around here much longer.

Aki wriggles away from the three surrounding her, and she walks up to Sei instead. As she stops in front of him, Aki bows, and it almost makes Sousuke drop his jaw.

“I’m sorry for the trouble I caused you all. It wasn’t my intention to involve others, but I had no one to turn to and I ended up exploiting Sousuke’s grief. I didn’t mean for it to get that far, but once I started I couldn’t stop going.”

It feels wrong to stand by and watch this happen, but they are five outsiders standing in a small hallway who can’t just squeeze their way out and make things awkward for Aki who’s just trying to apologise to Sei. So instead they end up staying and looking elsewhere as if there’s a giant elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge out of respect.

“I’m not going to say ‘it’s okay’, because it isn’t. But I accept your apology. I won’t forgive you right now, and I don’t know when or if I will, but I’m glad you at least apologised and seem regretful of what you did.”

Sousuke hadn’t dared to look at either of them during this short verbal exchange, because it just felt inappropriate. Mostly because he’s unwillingly eavesdropping, even though he really can’t help it, but also because he was a big part of all of this, too. Aki wasn’t the only one at fault, because Sousuke had the choice of saying no all along.

Even so, Sousuke still wanted to go along with her plan because it felt right, like it was what he had to do in order to move on. Today, he still doesn’t know if moving away from Iwatobi, punching away his sorrows, hunting down and beating up Minami really helped in his grieving process. Maybe he could’ve done things differently, but since that’s already over and done with, he might just as well put it behind him.

“Thank you,” Aki says, and they both leave it at that. A long second passes before Sei speaks up again, and this time, he sounds a lot cheerier, as if someone flipped a switch in his head.

“Right, let’s go down to the beach, hmm? Wouldn’t wanna miss out on the spot I’ve mentally booked for us.”

It feels like they all sigh in unison as the heavy air dissipates, and one by one, the group head out of the house. Gou strikes up conversation with Aki quicker than Sousuke feels like he was able to register the fact that they’ve left Sei’s house, and he smiles a little as he sees how visibly relieved Aki is that her old friends don’t seem to be all that affected by what she and Sousuke managed to destroy and accomplish in a few months.

“You sneaky son of a gun,” Rin mutters by Sousuke’s side. “You should’ve said something.”

Sousuke laughs. “You know, you and Makoto really think way too similarly. It’s scary.”

“What?”

“Never mind. I didn’t know she was coming until about an hour ago, so I’m almost as surprised as you are.”

Rin raises his eyebrows slightly as if in disbelief, but then he smiles, too. “It feels like we’re a little bit more whole now. I know we’ll never be complete, but we’re okay.”

“Yeah.”

‘We’re okay’ is a good way to put it, Sousuke thinks. All of them make integral parts of the group that are sorely missed if they aren’t around, and they all bring different kinds of personality traits and quirks to the table that apparently makes them all work really well together. When Haruka passed away, one of those fundamental parts of the group went away with him, and it’s taken them all a long time to get to the point where they feel okay again. Not complete, but okay.

The part of the beach Sei wanted them all to gather at isn’t secluded but it’s still one of the less popular spots to be in. Sousuke doesn’t see why, though, because it isn’t as if their view of the night sky is obstructed or anything, and they can still see practically as much as if you’d been closer to central Iwatobi. This is a lot nicer and quieter, though, and it gives a feeling of just a little bit more privacy.

Since it’s cold out, Rin is quick to fire up the grill and get it going so they have something to warm themselves around. They’ve brought bags and boxes with not only food, but also disposable plates and cutlery, plastic mugs, plenty of alcohol to last them not only until next year but longer, even. There’s blankets for those who are extra sensitive to the cold and beach mats, so they’ve got plenty of things to keep them on the beach for a while.

Sousuke’s had both lunch and dinner with his friends quite a few times since moving back, but this occasion is different. Not just because it’s New Year’s, but because it just _feels_ different. Aki is with them, Sousuke and Kisumi hade made up and gotten closer, Sei and Aki have talked and not yelled at each other—all in all, it’s an evening that’s bound to become a set of very good memories.

Sousuke feels the mat he’s sitting on shift a little in the sand, and the change in the air notifies him of another’s presence next to him. By the process of elimination, Sousuke is quickly able to figure out who’s now sitting down next to him, though he never noticed her disappearing from the others.

“Hey,” Aki says. “Thanks for this. For forcing me to come.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Aki shakes her head. “I know. But I’m glad I came here, and I’m also glad people seem like they don’t mind me joining in.”

“I told you.”

She jokingly bumps her shoulder against Sousuke’s. “You don’t always have to be right.”

“No, I don’t.”

Sousuke looks out over the ocean spreading out far, wide, and endless in front of them. For now, they can still enjoy the lull of the waves rolling into shore, but it won’t be long until fireworks explode in the sky and fill their ears with loud noises. The calm before the storm, the little time they have left until they enter a new year.

“Tell me about him.”

He looks to his side, but Aki’s eyes are looking off into the distance. She smiles a little, but it’s a smile reflecting contrasting feelings. It makes Sousuke’s heart sting a little with guilt and sadness, but he chooses to honour her request. The point of moving on isn’t to forget, it means to learn to live with it. And while it still isn’t easy, it’s getting easier.

But if anything, Sousuke wants to keep the memory of Haruka alive, so he tells Aki about Haruka. About their first meeting which was the polar opposite of a meet-cute. About how their awkward the start to their relationship was, but how well it went in the end, once they figured each other out. It takes a little while, but Aki eventually joins in on sharing memories, and when their friends have figured out what they’re doing, they come to sit down by Aki and Sousuke, and they all talk about their experiences with Haruka and as a group of friends.

Amidst sharing memories and stories, the fireworks display begins. Rin opens the bottle of champagne he’d bought, and their new year begins the way it ended; among good friends and being generally better off than when their previous year had started.


	12. the way forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke and Kisumi take a walk up to a place Sousuke's avoided for over a year, and then Sousuke races Rin in the pool.

Despite things being better of in most cases, some things are still not quite there yet as the new year begins. Aki had left their get-together, barely saying goodbye, and since New Year’s, no one’s heard a thing from her. Sousuke just assumes she needs a little more time getting used to it all again just as he wishes he’d had when Gou dragged him back to Iwatobi. He sends her a short text asking if she’s okay, and he doesn’t mind if she doesn’t respond today or tomorrow. Aki will respond when she wants to, Sousuke knows that.

After the holidays, things go back to normal again, and Sousuke goes back to work. It’s a little humorous, because people are almost moving in slow-motion, customers and restaurant-workers alike—so at least they get a slow start to the year. It was a short break, but it was definitely needed as one can tell by just looking at the people around them. Sousuke has enjoyed his break, mostly because he regained something important during it, but he’s glad to get back into the swing of things. Too long of a break, and he’ll get restless.

Having gotten back the ability to sleep has very much improved his life in general. In the beginning, Sousuke was still hesitant on drinking coffee again, but for the first time now in over a month, Sousuke enjoys a cup of coffee at break. It feels a little strange, as if he’s a child fumbling his hand around in the cookie jar. At least no one’s able to punish him with a curfew if he’s caught drinking coffee again.

Coming home from work, Sousuke does what he usually does. He takes a shower, puts on a big t-shirt and sweatpants, and parks his ass on the couch. This evening, however, feels a little different. He’s put it off for almost a week now since New Year’s, and it’s starting to demand his attention once more. Now that he’s gotten the ball rolling, he can’t just let it roll freely down the hill without guidance or it’ll definitely get out of control. Probably hurt someone on the way, too, with the luck and history Sousuke has.

A little hesitantly, Sousuke picks up his phone from the coffee table where he’d left it before he took a shower. It weight unnaturally heavy in his hand, and he takes a second too long to make what could very well just be an easy phone call. He really has to stop taking things too seriously sometimes.

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Hey,” Sousuke says. “Are you busy?”

“ _Sousuke? Oh, no. Not really. What’s… what’s up?_ ”

Sousuke looks out the window. The sky is clear of clouds, and stars are starting to peek out. It’s not too late, and the evening looks too beautiful to be wasted, despite the lower temperatures. “Do you wanna go out? I mean, like… outside. Take a walk, or something.”

God, he’s awkward. He’s fully expecting Kisumi to to jokingly mock him for his inability to communicate verbally. There’s a laugh, but it isn’t mocking, nor does it seem like Kisumi is joking.

“ _That sounds great. Meet me at Seven-Eleven? That makes about a halfway point_.”

“Okay. Ten minutes?”

“ _Ten minutes it is_.”

He briefly considers getting changed into something less casual but then disregards the thought. It’s just a walk. It’s just going to be him and Kisumi, it won’t matter. Besides, sweatpants are more comfortable than jeans. This isn’t supposed to be complicated, and he’s even thinking a second too long about what to wear for a simple evening walk. Shaking his head, Sousuke decides to go as he is, and he leaves the apartment.

There’s always been something about being out late at night that’s been strangely interesting to Sousuke. The town shows a very different side from when the sun is still out and people are busy going places. Now that there’s barely anyone around and the town ambience has mostly died down, Sousuke feels like he gets a different kind of experience of Iwatobi.

He isn’t much of a party person going to clubs and staying out until early morning, but since he started jogging or taking walks late at night, Sousuke’s gotten to enjoy things about Iwatobi that he’s never thought of before. He can more clearly hear the ocean waves even though he isn’t that close to the beach, he can see the stars in the few areas of Iwatobi that still have poor street lighting. It reminds him of a place he wants to revisit, and he hopes Kisumi will want to go.

Kisumi appears just around the corner when Sousuke stops outside Seven-Eleven. Sousuke lifts his hand in a lazy wave, and Kisumi greets him with a smile that would suffice as street lighting in those areas where it’s lacking.

“You’re not planning on dragging me down into insomnia purgatory, are you?”

Sousuke shakes his head. “I’ve actually slept every night for almost two weeks now.”

“Wow, really? What happened?”

 _You kissed me_. “No idea. Your weird magic must’ve worked in the end.”

He’s not even a hundred percent sure that the kiss was what finally made Sousuke able to sleep, but it certainly feels like it. If it were true, it’d be like a reverse Sleeping Beauty kind of story, but then again, his name isn’t Aurora, and Sousuke never believed in fairy tales.

“Is your body pulling some kind of reversed psychology crap on me? As soon as I gave up on being your sleep therapist, you were able to sleep. How the hell?”

Sousuke smiles a little. “I don’t think that’s why. Can we go up to the shrine?”

Kisumi looks at Sousuke, opening his mouth briefly but then closing it, seemingly deliberating something. “The shrine by your old house?”

He hasn’t been back since he moved—or rather, fled—to Hyogo, and it was always for a reason that he stayed away, even after coming back. Now, it feels right to go back that way, like a necessary step in the right direction. Sousuke has stayed in the past for so long that he barely knows how to be a normal human being, and while it’s changed, he still hasn’t confronted everything he should’ve dealt with. Being able to go back to the place where he and Haruka once lived is one of those things.

“Yeah,” he says. “The view from up there is really nice.”

“It is.” Kisumi looks up on the hill atop where the shrine is, which is just a silhouette in the dark of the evening. “Okay, let’s go.”

It isn’t a long walk, but it could definitely _feel_ long in the wrong company. Sousuke, however, is in very good, talkative company who makes the walk up to the shrine feel shorter. He’s very relieved they were able to sort out their problem at New Year’s and lay it all out on the table, because every day that they spent on bad terms with each other felt a lot longer than they normally do. It means something, and he knows not to waste it. How to properly treasure it, however, Sousuke has yet to figure out.

As they approach his and Haruka’s old house, Sousuke’s resolve weakens. He almost wants to turn back, to leave this place while still not having visited since Haruka passed away. Maybe it’s better that way, to treat it like a sacred place that only exists in his memory from now on. Even though it’s right here, in the same town he returned to.

His insecure thoughts are interrupted when a hand grabs his, and Kisumi’s fingers interlace with his. Sousuke looks to his side, and he’s once again met with a smile. It’s gentle, understanding, and it makes Sousuke feel as if Kisumi can see right through him and hear his thoughts.

“Are you okay?”

Sousuke looks up at the house, and he inhales slowly, deeply. Following the exhale, he answers Kisumi. “I will be.”

“Alright.” Kisumi doesn’t sound entirely convinced, but as Sousuke’s the one to take the first step, he at least follows Sousuke up to the shrine.

Back in the day, the steps leading up to the shrine were dark as there weren’t any lights illuminating the path. Sometimes, going up said steps could be a dangerous trek because of this. Now, though, they’ve had little lanterns placed on the railings leading up to the shrine, which also helps to make the place look prettier at night. The town of Iwatobi doesn’t change as quickly and as drastically as bigger towns do, but that’s one of the reasons why Sousuke likes it.

Sousuke’s been to Tajiri shrine many times before, as well as the others. They’ve been here for festivals and for New Year’s as well as other times when times weren’t as celebratory. Sousuke remembers being so surprised and almost jealous of Haruka for living so close to the shrine and being in the middle of such a picturesque location. Little did he know he’d end up moving there at some point in the future.

Now, coming here with Kisumi shouldn’t feel so different, because Sousuke’s been with him here before a couple of times. But it does feel different, both because it’s just the two of them, their relationship has changed into something Sousuke’s sure neither of them had ever imagined, and… well, things are just very different from when they’d both been at Tajiri shrine last.

A gust of wind tousles his hair, and Sousuke stops right before the top of the stairs, turning his head to look out over the ocean. Kisumi does the same next to him, and for a brief moment, all is peaceful and quiet, save for the distant sound of the wind chimes that no one’s apparently taken down from the doorway of Sousuke and Haruka’s house. He looks down over the railing down on the house, and he takes a deep breath.

“You know, I often had dreams about Haruka after he passed. It felt scarily real, like he was actually still here. Sometimes the dreams would be like… any other day. Sometimes, he’d be there to tell me to move on, to not go after Minami, that it wouldn’t matter whatever I did to avenge his death.”

It feels strange to talk so openly about a former lover’s death like this, but it also feels like a necessity, more for himself than anyone or anything else. Surprisingly enough, it isn’t as hard to talk about as he’d expected it to be. Remembering Haruka will always be difficult, and moving on hasn’t been the easiest, either. But it gets easier.

“Eventually, the dreams got fewer and further in-between. And then, well, I stopped sleeping.”

“But now you’ve slept regularly,” Kisumi says, though Sousuke hears the invisible question mark attached at the end.

“Yeah. And I… feel like things have changed a lot. I don’t want you to think you’re a replacement, because you’re a completely different person. I like you because you’re you.”

Kisumi smiles. “Thank you. And thank you for telling me this, it means a lot. I know it can’t be easy to talk about.”

“Maybe not, but I wanted to tell you.”

“I’m glad you did.”

It’s been a weird, emotional, chaotic and unpredictable journey getting this far. But Sousuke got this far, and now that he has, he’s confident he can keep moving forward. All it took was a push and a shove from Gou, and then the ball was set in motion. He took something that was given to him and made it into his own, even though he broke a few things on the way. Things ended up the way they should have—maybe not the way Sousuke had initially wanted, but now that they’re here, he knows it was all for the best.

“… I’m okay,” Sousuke says, more to himself. He knows Haruka heard him, too.

A warm hand is placed over his on the railing. Sousuke looks to his side, and Kisumi looks back at him. For the most part when Sousuke looks at Kisumi, he’s greeted with some kind of smile. Most of the time it’s a wide, bright smile, almost competing with the sun. Now, Kisumi’s still smiling, but the corners of his mouth don’t really reach up that far. Sousuke realises that the smile mostly lies within his eyes.

“Good. I’m glad you’re okay.”

Sousuke turns his hand so that he can grasp Kisumi’s back, and Kisumi leans forward to gently bump his forehead against Sousuke’s. He feels very warm all of a sudden, and he knows the lanterns aren’t doing much to contribute with the sudden change in temperature.

“Thanks. For coming out with me tonight, and… well, listening to my blabbering.”

Kisumi smiles. “Sure. Thanks for asking me to come; I’m glad I did.”

Kisumi has been so patient, almost too patient. Sousuke mentally slaps himself in the face, because he can do better than this. He _has_ to do better than this; he can’t keep living on the ‘man of few words’ philosophy that’s more of a curse than anything. They say actions speak louder than words, but sometimes it’d be nice to actually be able to express things verbally.

Words can at least be the beginning of something, a promise of some kind of action he’ll take hopefully sooner rather than later. He would hate for Kisumi to end up being someone who got away because Sousuke’s too slow or too terrible with words and taking action.

“Hey, Kis,” he says. “Come to my place tonight?”

Kisumi looks up at him, though the height difference isn’t that big between them. He looks like he doesn’t know what to say, and Sousuke can’t blame him for it. He’s led Kisumi on a wild goose chase for far too long even though some might say that it wasn’t that long. The problem is that it never should’ve happened in the first place, because Kisumi deserves better than that.

Kisumi deserves better, and Sousuke doubts he’s the right person for it, but damn it if he isn’t going to try.

“Yeah.”

It feels strange, exciting, new, right, wrong. Sousuke experiences many emotions at once, and it’s a little overwhelming. But Kisumi keeps him in the present, just by being there. Just feeling Kisumi’s heartbeat against his own is reassuring, makes him remember the journey he’s been on to get here. Rushing things never leads to anything good, and Sousuke is glad that he let himself take the time he needed. Moreover, he’s glad that the people around him gave him the time he obviously needed to heal from everything.

They don’t say much for the first little bit. At first, Sousuke thinks Kisumi may have fallen asleep, but once he focuses on Kisumi’s breathing, Sousuke understands this isn’t the case. All they’re doing is lying in bed, enjoying the comfortable silence, and taking everything in. This is new to the both of them, because the fake sleep therapy session where Kisumi was going to help Sousuke sleep doesn’t really count. This definitely counts.

“We’re gonna be _so_ tired tomorrow,” Sousuke mumbles. “I don’t even wanna know what time it is.”

Kisumi laughs softly. “Neither do I. Can’t you take a day off if you need to?”

“I can.”

“Then you should, if you need it. Are you tired?”

Sousuke shrugs. “A little. You?”

“Same here.”

A moment of silence falls, and Sousuke looks up at the ceiling, exhaling slowly through his nose. The silence combined with the feeling of a synchronised heartbeat against his chest is actually making Sousuke sleepier. He closes his eyes and at least tries to sleep; if he can go into work, he should—taking a day off just because of a little sleep deprivation is unnecessary. Taking a day off now and then definitely isn’t unnecessary; rather, the opposite, but Sousuke likes to save his vacation days for times when he really needs them.

Eventually, he manages to drift off into a deep sleep that’s probably the best sleep he’s had in months.

* * *

The morning after starts like any other morning for Sousuke, except he starts said morning with another person by his side again. They have tea and breakfast together before they head off to work, and it isn’t anything bigger or more significant than that. Sousuke feels bad for being surprised by how simple it was. It isn’t as if he doubts Kisumi’s ability to be ‘normal’, because Sousuke knows Kisumi _can_ be, but considering how things have gone this past year, he’s not optimistic to boot. Rather, he’s just being cautious, not having any sort of expectations.

Having lived alone for a year and a half, it felt strange but nice having someone there with him in the morning again. Sousuke has really missed this kind of intimacy, even if all they did was lie in bed and talk, and then sleep. Sometimes, that’s enough.

“See you soon,” Sousuke says. “You should probably hurry.”

Kisumi grins. “You’re lucky, working later shifts.”

“Mmm, wouldn’t say that. I’ll come by your place after work.”

“Good.”

Sousuke closes and locks the door behind Kisumi, and then he heads back to the living room to lie on the couch for a bit. He won’t be lazy all morning, though, as he and Rin are going to have a ‘not entirely competitive’ swim at the communal pool in a little bit. It’s been a while since Sousuke’s been to the pool, and it’d be nice with a change of exercise, for once.

Normalcy has definitely started to return to Sousuke’s life, and it feels good. It feels like when someone wraps a blanket around you: like you’re safe. Things will never be entirely peaceful, because that’s just how life is, but Sousuke can say with certainty that the worst days are behind him now. He’s learnt his lesson, and he knows that Aki has, too. Now, they’ve got plenty of time to make up for lost time and for their mistakes, and also draw a map for where they’re headed from now on.

Rin is definitely excited that they’re going for a swim; Sousuke swears he sees Rin bounce up and down like a little kid in a candy store when they’re getting changed in the locker room.

“Bet you wouldn’t do that if we weren’t alone in here.”

“What do you mean?”

Sousuke snorts. “Never mind, let’s just go. You know, this all makes me feel like we’re in high school.”

“How’s so?”

“Because this is something high school kids do. Challenge each other to a race like this.”

“Oh, you want something to race for, don’t you?”

“Jesus, Rin.”

Rin guffaws, throwing his head back. “Come on, it’s fun. You of all people need to learn how to have fun.”

He isn’t going to admit it to Rin, but this won’t be fun unless he wins. So, to himself, Sousuke vows to do his absolute best and end up first in this race that he really doesn’t care about. At all.

“Hey,” Rin says, prompting Sousuke to turn his head to the side. “Have you heard anything from Aki since New Year’s?”

Sousuke shrugs. “Nothing. I think she just needs a little time to gather herself.”

“But we only saw her _once_.”

“Well, I can’t really speak _for_ her, but I’m trying to put myself in her shoes. Imagine if you were her: you distanced yourself from your friends, you made some shitty decisions that pushed them even further away from you, and suddenly you’re right back with them again and you wonder if it’s even okay in the first place.”

Rin blinks, almost takes a step back. Only when he sees Rin’s reaction does Sousuke realise that maybe he should’ve shut up about twenty seconds ago instead of five. “I… guess so. I’m just worried, because I don’t know what she’s thinking, like you do.”

“Trust me, I don’t entirely know what she’s thinking, either. But I think it’s easier for me to guess since I was in a similar situation not that long ago. Just give her time; she’ll come around. She’s still Aki, you know.”

“Yeah,” Rin replies, and he looks a little relieved as he exhales. “I know.”

The surface of the starting block feels chilly under his feet, and every single move Sousuke does causes an echo that bounces off the walls of the empty pool area. It’s really a wonder no one else is here, because Sousuke had expected at least a couple of families to have come here with their kids considering it’s still the middle of the day. It’s probably for the best that no one else is around, though, because this race of theirs would definitely chase away anyone even considering getting into the pool.

A familiar snap against a silicone cap is heard from the starting block right next to him, and Sousuke glances to his side. The look on Rin’s face is really comical, because he’s got a big, sharp-toothed grin all over his face but he’s also wearing swimming goggles. It makes him look like an idiot, and Sousuke is _so_ about to beat this idiot in a race.

“When the minute hand strikes twelve, we race.”

Sousuke takes a deep breath. “Sure.”

He looks up at the wall across from the pool, and he gets into position, hunching down and grabbing the edge of the block with his fingers, his thumbs drumming against the surface. All sounds are blocked out as he focuses on his start and on the clock, and just as the minute hand hits twelve—

—he’s off, down into the water, with an okay dive, nothing more. He blames the fact that he’s rusty, that he hasn’t had any practice in a long time—but at least he’s kept up with his workouts. Even though he hasn’t been to the pool in a while, the regular jogs have really helped. Swimming is so very different, of course, and it feels more liberating. Like he’s truly free.

“ _Why do you like the water so much?”_

_Haruka looks out over the still water of the pool, only disturbed by a single cherry blossom petal landing on the surface. He smiles, and he narrows his eyes ever so slightly. Sousuke finds him breathtakingly beautiful, especially with how his eyes are even more impossibly blue on sunny, clear days._

_“It makes me feel free. Almost like I imagine how birds feel when flying high in the sky.”_

_Sousuke wants to laugh at the incredibly stupid and cheesy statement, but that’s just who Haruka is. Completely unafraid to speak his mind, and not at all aware of how dumb he sounds when he’s talking about something as simple as water._

_He may want to laugh, but Sousuke knows better than to do so. Instead, he shakes his head with a smile, and he, too, looks out over the pool._

_“Free, huh?_ ”

It took him a while to understand what Haruka meant. But now, more than ever, Sousuke agrees with Haruka’s sentiment. Swimming makes him feel more free than running ever could. He’s lighter, the swim strokes resemble wing flaps. Besides the edges around the pool, there are no limitations. Despite this, Sousuke _is_ participating in a race, even if it’s just between him and Rin. And though they haven’t decided on a prize for the winner, Sousuke still wants to win.

His long, wide strokes have always been his best quality in the pool. He’s got stamina that makes up for what he lacks in speed in comparison to Rin, who’s fast but doesn’t have the kind of stamina that Sousuke’s built up over the years. He reaches the first wall, makes a turn, and kicks off as hard as he can to give himself a good boost to keep him going for the next three turns. No matter what, a race between the two will always be fiercely competitive even if they try to tell each other that it’s just for fun. That’s probably just what comes with having been in a competitive swimming environment for so long; it never really leaves.

Sousuke is so focused on what’s ahead of him that he barely registers where Rin is in relation to himself. It’s both good and bad, because Sousuke doesn’t want to be distracted by the though that he’s lagging behind, but he also wants to know if he is so that he knows to push on harder. But he still puts in all of his effort and then some, even though it’s ‘just a race’ that won’t really net either of them any significant winnings.

Sousuke enters his last lap, and only then does he register Rin’s presence right next to him, if only an inch or two ahead. He may have better stamina than Rin, but despite that, Sousuke is starting to feel like he’s about to run out. Luckily they’re on their last lap, so he won’t have to hold out much longer. It’s good practice, if nothing else, to have a race like this every once in a while. It also feels good to get back into swimming again, because it’s something Sousuke used to enjoy back in the day.

When Sousuke’s hand finally slaps the tile as he reaches the end of the race, for half a second, he doesn’t know what to think. But then it registers that he still has some practice to do because Rin reached the end of the pool just a split second ahead of him, but Sousuke’s strangely glad about it. He’d expected to be more sour about losing, but he really isn’t all that upset.

“Good job,” he says through heavy breaths. “But I think you started too early.”

Rin drops his jaw. “I did _not_! I’d never fucking cheat.”

“I know. I’m pretending to be a sore loser.”

“Ass.”

Sousuke laughs, and shakes his head. “You know, I’m glad that thing of yours hasn’t changed.”

“What thing?”

“Your short fuse.”

Rin sends a wave of water Sousuke’s way, which makes him laugh again.

They get out of the pool and head for a quick shower before Sousuke has to go to work. Despite feeling tired physically now, Sousuke’s still glad he got that ‘workout’ done before work. He wouldn’t be against swimming or doing races more often, if only to get some variation in his workout routine. If they made this into a more regular thing, Sousuke is sure he and Rin wouldn’t have any difficulty roping Sei in on it. Even if Sei hasn’t stuck to swimming at least semi-regularly these past eighteen months or so, it’s still something he’s done quite a bit of in his past and wouldn’t have trouble getting back into.

“You should’ve told me about it; I would’ve loved to watch that race.”

Sousuke raises an eyebrow at Kisumi’s pout. “Even though I lost?”

“Who’s to say I’d even root for you? We both know Rin is the better swimmer.”

“Wow, I’m leaving.”

Kisumi laughs, and he bumps his shoulder against Sousuke’s. “You know I’m joking.”

Though their evening together is uneventful, Sousuke enjoys it. It’s nice to come over to Kisumi’s and not have to worry about anything, not even food. They’ve ordered takeout and put a crappy film on TV mostly as background noise as they’re just hanging out. It’s been a while since just the two of them hung out like this, and things have changed quite a bit since the last time they did. It’s weird to think about the fact that things were wildly different between them just a month ago, and scary to know how things can change so fast. But now that they’re here, Sousuke feels things starting to slow down, and he likes that.

Falling asleep right next to someone else really does help, Sousuke thinks. He remembers when Kisumi was pretending to be his sleep therapist and how he’d talked about how sleeping right next to another person supposedly helps you fall asleep easier and faster. It really does work, as crazy as the concept sounds—Sousuke guesses that it has to do with their synchronised breathing and heartbeats that somehow lulls him to sleep.

It becomes somewhat of a routine that they spend the night together, either at Sousuke’s or at Kisumi’s place, and it happens so naturally that Sousuke doesn’t realise it at first. It feels like things are moving at the right pace, because he doesn’t feel strange about it at all. Most of all it’s just nice to have something and someone to look forward to after a day at work. Sousuke’s found a new motivation, and he found it in a very unexpected place and person.


	13. the new beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aki returns to her friends' lives; she and Sousuke return to a place they haven't been to in almost two years. Things come full circle, and a chapter ends so a new one can begin.

Gou calls Sousuke and asks him out for a beer or two on a Friday after work. He’s been so stuck in his own little bubble that he’s kind of forgotten some of his friends for a bit, and when Gou calls him, Sousuke feels a slight sting of guilt over that fact. He hopes Gou isn’t too miffed by the fact that he can’t seem to juggle several things at once.

“Me? No, god no. I know you’ve had your head in the clouds these past few days, for a good reason. And I hate to break it to you, but it’s just the honeymoon phase. It’ll pass, and soon enough, we’ll all hang out like we used to again.”

Sousuke leans back a little in his chair, and he snorts in offence. “What do you mean ‘it’s just a phase’?”

“You and Kisumi. I mean, sure, your feelings will mature and probably grow stronger, but this whole puppy love thing where all you have is eyes for each other is temporary.”

“Fine,” he mutters. “So, how’ve you been?”

“Good, good. I’d ask you the same, but I think I can guess.”

“Jesus, you won’t let that go, will you?”

Gou laughs briefly, and she takes a sip from her glass of wine. “Aki called me the other day.”

“… She did?”

“Yeah. She asked if I knew someplace she can stay around here until she finds a place of her own. I told her she can stay with me until then.”

Sousuke opens his mouth and closes it to try and process the information first. Then, he tries again. “Does she seem to be doing okay?”

“Better, at least,” Gou replies, prefacing it with a shrug.

“Well, that’s good. It’s nice of you to take her in.”

She smiles. “I’m just glad to have her back in my life after all this time. It might sound weird, but I’m not as keen on holding grudges as Sei is. Mostly because I know neither of you got in trouble for what happened with Minami; that’s how I know I can just let it go and forget about it. So, to me, Aki… is just Aki.”

It’s a way of thinking that Sousuke definitely hadn’t expected considering the things he and Aki actually _did_ , but he isn’t going to question it. Some people get stuck in the past while some choose not to dwell on it, like Gou. No matter which side people choose, they usually have a reason for it. Sousuke, however, isn’t going to ask Gou what her reason is for not hanging onto parts of the past. It just sounds a whole lot healthier than what Sousuke did.

“That’s good,” Sousuke says again, dumbly. “Knew she’d come around, but maybe not this way.”

“You’re just pissy because she came to me instead of you.”

Sousuke snorts. “Ha.”

As the evening goes on, more of their friends join in. Aki, however, is still absent, but Sousuke now knows that he doesn’t have to worry, since Gou has been in contact with her. Small steps. Sousuke may not know what Aki was up to after he fled Iwatobi to the day when she contacted him again about Minami, and he may _never_ know, but so be it. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, she doesn’t. If she does, Sousuke is willing listen.

What he’s learnt over the past year, most of all, is that healing isn’t linear. Some days are better than others, but not every day is better than the day before. He’s also seen just how differently people deal with loss and grief, and learnt that, even if it may not make sense to him, it may just make sense to others. Sousuke’s way hasn’t been healthy, and he suspects the same went for Aki. But he knows they’re both way better off now, and maybe that’s what counts, in the end.

Saying that things are returning to normal isn’t quite true, because things will never be the way they once were. Instead, Sousuke tries to think of it as them achieving a _new_ normal. The gang meeting up for drinks or dinner every now and then, staying in contact over the phone when life gets too busy for hangouts. Kisumi has definitely helped Sousuke on the way to achieving this new normal, for which he’s very grateful. It came unexpectedly, but that, he assumes, is just how life works sometimes.

“You know, Sousuke,” Makoto says as he leans over towards Sousuke. “Rin can’t stop talking about your race the other day, and I just wanted to say that I hope you plan on racing him again soon.”

“What, you hope _I’ll_ win?”

Makoto raises an eyebrow at Sousuke. “Yeah, I do.”

“I thought you _loved_ me!”

“I do, and that’s exactly why I want to yank you down back to Earth. Having your head among the clouds like that for so long can’t be healthy.”

Rin gasps and puts a hand on his chest, and Makoto rolls his eyes. Sousuke can’t help but laugh.

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan on giving up, at least until I’ve had more wins than losses.”

“And you think I’ll let you win? You’re sadly mistaken, Yamazaki.”

“I don’t expect you to just give the victory to me,” Sousuke replies. “I wanna win when you’ve done your absolute best.”

“God, that’s so cheesy.”

“Fuck off.”

Their banter just makes Sousuke even more motivated, and he really hopes he can win their next race. If not, the next. It’s nice to have some kind of motivation that doesn’t mean fighting people in a ring so that Sousuke can one day kill a man, instead—this one won’t be harmful to either of the involved unless they’re being stupid and don’t do things the right way. Sousuke’s looking forward to their next race, and doing some swim training before said race.

At the end of the night, Sousuke and Kisumi go back to Kisumi’s place for the night. Going back and forth like this makes Sousuke think about the two of them maybe moving in at some point. For now, he wants to take things as they come, but the more he thinks about the idea, the less intimidating it gets. He tries to keep in mind their conversation from a while back, about how things between them don’t have to get super serious all at once. Kisumi himself had said he’s completely fine with things going at a slower pace, so Sousuke tries to remember that to not stress himself out.

“What’re you thinking about?”

Sousuke realises he’s been spacing out for just a minute too long. He looks at Kisumi, and shakes his head. “It’s nothing.”

“Okay. Want me to turn off the light?”

“Sure.”

When Kisumi’s turned off the light on his nightstand, Sousuke stretches over to kiss him. It takes Kisumi by surprise, and Sousuke smiles against Kisumi’s lips when he hears the tiny gasp.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” he mumbles. “Want me to stop?”

“No,” Kisumi whispers back. “The opposite.”

Sousuke huffs a quiet laugh through his nose. Kisumi puts both of his arms around Sousuke’s neck, pulling him closer, and Sousuke resumes what he’d just started.

Things are moving at a good pace, which Sousuke appreciates. Things were stagnant for far too long, and at times once things started moving again, it went a little _too_ fast. But now, he feels like he’s found a good rhythm he can keep up with and at the same time feel like he’s somewhat in control.

* * *

When he least expects it, Aki rings on Sousuke’s doorbell. No prior phone call, not even a text. She just shows up, and the funny thing is that Sousuke’s first thought is how she knew where he lives. It probably says more about himself and his lack of a sense of direction than anything, or anyone, else.

“Hey,” he says, as stupidly as he always does. “Long time no see.”

Aki exhales a _psh_. “A few weeks didn’t kill you.”

“Guess not.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sousuke shakes his head, and he offers her a smile as he steps aside and motions for her to come inside. “No need to apologise.”

“Actually, I… was wondering if you’d go visit Haru with me.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Now?”

“Yeah. Is now a bad time?”

Sousuke doesn’t want to mention that he’s just spent a large part of his morning on the couch, watching TV and eating scrambled eggs with bacon. It’d be in poor taste to mention, so instead, he just shakes his head again.

“No, s’fine. But give me a few minutes to get ready.”

“Sure.”

Aki comes with him into the apartment and sits down in the living room. Meanwhile, Sousuke briefly disappears into the bathroom to brush his teeth and splash his face with cold water. Right now, his mind is just full of questions for Aki, but he does his best to try and not assault her with them all at once. He’ll ask them once the timing is right, which probably isn’t right now that he’s just seen her for the first time in weeks.

“Alright,” he says as he exits the bathroom, heading towards the living room. “You ready to go?”

“Sure.” Aki gets up off the couch, and her eyebrows are furrowed ever so slightly. “You don’t have any photos of him around here.”

Sousuke vividly remembers the day he’d taken his entire box full of memories of Haruka, and dumped it down the skip around the back of the bar he worked at in Hyogo. It’s something he regrets now that the memories are becoming less and less painful to remember. He’s since learnt not to immediately act on negative feelings, because they clearly bear consequences down the road.

“I had a box full of them once,” he replies. “Back when I lived in Hyogo, I… threw ‘em out. I didn’t want to see it, because it was too tough.”

“You didn’t even keep a single photo?”

Sousuke winces at the tone of pain in Aki’s voice, because he recognises the pain within himself, too, brought on by his impulsive past self. “I didn’t. The others have copies of some of the same ones I had, though.”

Aki sighs, and she shrugs. “I don’t blame you, but I think it’d be nice to keep some of those around. To keep his memory alive, you know. And I mean… I know you’ve moved on, mostly, but even though you started out as enemies, you and Haru were friends before you started dating.”

“I know.”

“Well, let’s go. I don’t want this to be a sad get-together for us. I want to go see Haru because he was my best friend.”

As they head out the door, Sousuke ponders Aki’s words. He’s had a lot of his mind recently, and surprisingly, one of them hasn’t been Haruka. It isn’t as if he’s avoiding it, nor does he want to forget, but other things got in the way. Life hasn’t been normal for quite some time now, but maybe now it’ll start heading in that direction.

It gets easier to live with every day, even if it still isn’t _easy_. It probably never will be, and Sousuke is slowly starting to accept that. He makes sure to remember to ask Makoto for photos of Haruka that he can keep, either to himself or around his apartment somewhere. The tough thing will be to try and only remember the happier days when seeing Haruka in photos, but it’s all a work in progress.

They take Sousuke’s car over to the graveyard. After having parked outside, it gets quieter as they head further inside, towards Haruka’s headstone. Sousuke realises he’s still not comfortable enough with coming here alone, so he’s glad Aki asked. He wants to come here at least semi-regularly, like Aki said, to keep Haruka’s memory alive. He’ll try to think of it as visiting a friend who lives further away, and maybe he’ll treat it that way, too. Talk to Haruka about his day, about the others, almost as if Haruka was still there with them.

The air is a little chilly as the wind blows, but it’s to be expected in early spring. Sousuke shudders a little, and pulls his scarf a little higher up around his neck. He sees someone kneeling before a headstone; they’ve brought flowers and lit a candle. It feels like it’s a scene too intimate and private for Sousuke to see, but he can’t help but glance in that direction as he and Aki walk past. People around them are probably leading similar lives: having experienced recent loss, dealing with grief, trying to find a new normal in their lives.

Sousuke feels Aki look his way, but she doesn’t say anything.

Finally, Aki and Sousuke stop in front of Haruka’s headstone. Someone’s been here recently, because there are white lilies placed against the headstone along with a little toy dolphin, very similar to the one Haruka had gotten as a child and kept all those years. It might actually be the same one, because Sousuke doesn’t remember whatever happened to the one Haruka had. If it’s the same one, then Makoto is the one who was here last. The sight makes Sousuke smile.

“I just realised we’ve come full circle, you and I.”

Sousuke turns his head. “How come?”

“This is where we met once you’d decided on pursuing Minami, remember?”

He definitely remembers. The first time they’d met since Haruka passed away, Sousuke rejected the folder packed with information on Minami and his whereabouts after the accident. Then he’d been dragged all the way to Iwatobi and had some sense whacked into him by Makoto, Rin, and Gou, and that’s why he came here to see Aki again.

“All thanks to Gou forcing me to come back to Iwatobi.”

“Is that why you changed your mind?”

“Yeah,” Sousuke says. “I realised… that I wouldn’t just be doing it for myself, but for everyone else, too. I think it was because their grief was so visible, and so different from mine—I realised that we’re—”

“—all in this together?” Aki says, and she smiles.

“Something like that.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to thank her, too. Maybe it was her push that led to all of this.”

“Easier now that you live with her.”

Aki looks at him with slight shock, and maybe even embarrassment. “She told you?”

“Yep.”

“Damn it. Well, yes, I suppose you’re right.”

Aki and Sousuke spend some time talking to Haruka, and bit by bit, it gets less awkward and feels a little more normal. They tell him about their day-to-day lives, about New Year’s, and they reminisce about things from the past in which Haruka still lived. They don’t talk about the Minami situation at all, and it’s obvious for Sousuke that they’re both trying to avoid it. Maybe at some point they’ll feel ready to confront it properly, but that day doesn’t have to come soon.

Sousuke feels a little lighter as he and Aki walk back to his car. Semi-regular visits like these don’t sound so bad now. In fact, it might just be good for him, for all of them. He just knows they won’t go in a large group all at once, because that wouldn’t feel right. It’s just nice to know that he and Aki can now deal with this in a similar way to how the others are, and that makes it easier for them all to share their thoughts and feelings on things. He doesn’t want to brag, but Sousuke is almost a little proud of the progress he’s made in the time from Haruka’s passing to now.

He drops off Aki outside of Gou’s apartment building, and as she’s left, he gives Kisumi a call.

“ _Hey, I was wondering what happened to you, since you didn’t pick up when I called._ ”

“Sorry. I went to visit Haruka with Aki.”

“ _Oh. How’d it go?_ ”

“It went well. I’m glad I went.”

“ _Then I’m glad, too. Are you coming over to pick me up? I told Makoto we’d meet him for lunch in, like, fifteen minutes_.”

“I know. I’m heading over right now, so be outside in five.”

“ _Hurry! I miss you_.”

Sousuke smiles. “I’ll see you soon.”

*

**Author's Note:**

> [ [tumblr | ](https://radiodread.tumblr.com)[twitter](https://twitter.com/natastrophies) ]


End file.
